[voiceover] As Matt Bradley was learning the rules of the JTP, my mom was setting up her own rules.
BeverlyThe rules are simple, You curse, you reimburse. One dollar for every swear sworn in this household.
Well, I, for one, think this is a fantastic way to make us the very best people that we can be. And go to the Bahamas and pierce my belly button. Forget I said that.
No one's going to the damn Bahamas.
Bup-bup! That's a dollar in the swear jar, Dad.
Beverly
She's right, Murray. We have to live by example.
I'm not paying for these morons to go to the Bahamas.
You know, "moron" may not be considered a curse word, but it really does feel like one emotionally.
I'll put 20 bucks in that thing if I can call my moron who's acting like a moron a moron anytime I want.
You know what would teach us a super-valuable lesson? Upping the fee for the big-time swears to 5 bucks a pop.
Beverly
Yes! Ooh! What a great idea.
Oh, balls! It's really not!
Beverly
[laughs] That's $5!
For balls? But it has so many meanings, only one of which refers to one's nards.
Beverly
That's $10! Yay! My babies are gonna be angels!
What have you done, dragon lady? I've got $7 to my name. I'm already in debt.
Relax. I have a plan. When it comes to swearing, we have self-control. Lucky for us, our mom does not.
Oh, my God. You're gonna use the swear jar to scam Mom.
I ran the numbers. We need 723 big swear words. If we can up Mom's swear rate to twice an hour and nail her on some "hells" and "damn its" in between, we're gonna be slurping on strawberry daiquiris in the Bahamas in 13 days.
How do we get her to swear more?
Follow my lead. [She goes upstairs to Beverly to see what she has been thinking about] Hey, Mom? I've been thinking about it, and... You're more than a mom. You're also, like... A friend.
Beverly
That's exactly how I feel! We're like best [bleep]' friends!
Oh. Wow. While I appreciate the enthusiasm, you kind of just dropped a big-money word.
Beverly
That'll be a fiver. Did I say [BLEEP]? I said it again! Oh! How many [BLEEP] was that? [sighs] Oh, [BLEEP] it. I'll just put in a $20. It's money well-spent for my delicious, talented superstar!
Mama! I'm cold, and nothing can keep me warm like your hug! Will you hug me till I'm all roasty and toasty inside?
Beverly
[BLEEP] [She hugs him and laughs] You are so adorable! [gasps] I'll get my purse. [chuckles]
[voiceover] It had been a week, and my mom's little swearing problem had gone from bad to worse.
Beverly
Nothing.
What, did Erica get another solo?
Beverly
No. Adam wrote "Adam hearts Mama" on his Trapper Keeper. I had no choice. He hearts me.
Damn it! I am slowly paying for a trip to the Bahamas that I don't want to take.
Beverly
I hate to be that person, but you said "Damn it." That's a buck.
Don't you see what the kids are doing to you? They're using your dirty mouth against you.
[voiceover] It was at that moment that my mom finally realized she was being played.
Beverly
Oh, my God! They're fleecing me! It's time to teach them a real lesson.
[Murray wiggles his eyebrows]
Beverly
I've been thinking, Schmoops. This jar has been so effective at stopping my potty mouth, I figured everyone should have a jar.
I don't know what your angle is here, but I'm gonna have to say... Phbt! Pass.
Beverly
Oh, sweetie, such attitude. Luckily, now we have this. [She picks up the jar saying "Baditude Jar" and puts it on the table] Dollar, please.
A "Baditude" jar? That's not a thing.
Beverly
Oh, it is. Every time you lip off, it'll cost you a dollar.
Well, that's incredibly stupid!
Beverly
[gasps] Baditude! Now it's $2.
Just stop giving them baditude!
I don't know how not to! This isn't fair! What about him?
Don't worry. [He picks up the jar saying "Adam Jar" and puts it on the table] Got you covered.
You pay up any time you say any weird stuff about space or robits or space robits.
So the Adam jar is just a nerd jar?
Hey, your Robit-Cop movie started this whole mess.
RoboCop isn't a robot. If anything, he's a cyborg, which falls under the umbrella of android, which means I'll put in a dollar.
Beverly
See? We're all just using these jars to become better people. By the end, I'll curse less, Erica will be a ray of sunshine, and Adam will be more... Accessible.
But we don't have that kind of money. Unless we have some way for us to steal fractions of a penny off every bank transaction, a la Superman III.
I can't! It's like the Nothing in the NeverEnding Story. It can't be stopped!
I'm like Indy when he drank the black blood of the Kali. I can't help myself!
Beverly
Don't worry. We'll just take money from my swear jar and put it into yours. The proceeds from your jars will go towards a trip to Colonial Williamsburg!
You think you'll beat us? Well, I'll be an utter delight, and Adam won't even be a little bit nerdy.
Yeah! I'll be as cool as the ice planet Hoth.
Beverly
Oh, there you are. [She comes to Adam and Erica] Erica, do me a favor and empty the dishwasher.
I would love to do that, Mother.
Beverly
So nice of you. Also, clean the gutters.
[voiceover] My mom was playing us just like we played her, and then she pulled out the big guns.
Beverly
I heard there's a new Star Track movie coming out. We should go see it, huh? Go see Star Track?
That is... A title you would say.
Beverly
And I heard the best thing about the space movie is this one superhero named Hans Olo.
No! I got to say it. His name is Han Solo, not Hans. He's a rogue smuggler, not a Danish shoe cobbler.
Han Solo is from Star Wars, not Star Trek. And it's Trek, by the way, not "Track"!
Beverly
Colonial Williamsburg, here we come! Oh, you're gonna look so cute with your [BLEEP] musket.
You swore! I knew that she wouldn't last long. So predictable.
Beverly
Baditude! Huh! Someone can't keep their [BLEEP] together.
Ha! Who can't keep it together now?
This is more twists and turns than the Battle of Endor!
Beverly
Adam jar!
Stop talking, you giant nerd!
Beverly
Baditude jar! [chuckles] This is too [BLEEP] easy.
[voiceover] While Barry was realizing what the JTP meant to him, the jar wars had taken on a whole new meaning.
[Clock ticks; Adam and Erica stare at their mom]
You know, I never thought I'd say these words, but the silence is making me crazy. Somebody say something!
Uh-uh! If I say anything, we're gonna end up in Colonial Williams-turd.
Beverly
Baditude! That's $5. Pay up for comparing our beloved U.S. history to poo-poos. Poo-poos!
All right, enough! I'm putting an end to this once and for all.
Beverly
Hey, I only made these other jars 'cause you made me realize that they were playing me.
Of course they were. They're awful. That's part of their charm, just like swearing's part of yours.
Beverly
But Adam was right, he learned it from watching me.
You swear because you care. And I wouldn't want to change that.
And I'm not changing. I'm gonna keep calling them morons because they act like morons.
And I can't change the fact saying "Star Track" will always bother me.
And there's, like, zero chance of me changing my crap attitude, 'cause you're all lame.
See? We are who we are. And I love it!
Beverly
So, we all agree, no more jar wars.
"Jar wars" sounds like Star Wars! Oh, God, it felt so good to say.
[Beverly is busy sorting out these jars just as Adam and Erica arrive with his map]
Beverly
What's this?
We mapped out the best route to Williamsburg.
We took all the money from the swear jars and booked a hotel room.
We thought you deserved a trip. And I say that without any attitude.
Beverly
[giving them a nice hug] I truly, madly, deeply love you so [BLEEP] much, I can't stand it.
[watches her hugging them] Guess I'm schlepping to Williamsburg. Morons.
[voiceover] 'Cause in the end, no matter what you go through... If you have your friends and family by your side, you will get by.
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to the Real Matt Bradley"]
Will Matthew Bradley come out as a winner today?
[Then the word appears saying "Matt Bradley (The Chill Member of the JTP)" with an arrow pointing at him]
He's got a smile. Or will Barry Goldberg be a winner today?
[Then the word also appears saying "Barry Goldberg (Leader of the JTP in his mind)" with an arrow pointing at him]
I give you Baré... Formal active wear for going to a ball or slam-dunking one.
Beverly
[sighs]
Next, we got Naked Rob. BaréStyles is the only clothing this nudist will wear.
R"Naked" Rob
It really breathes, bro.
For the tiny man who can live in a shoe, we got Andy Cogan modelling the petite line.
Aw, come on, dude! I'm helping you!
And finally, we got Matthew Bradley showing off our sportsedo.
He shoots and scores... With the ladies.
Okay, he's making these poor boys wear a bunch of schmattas. You got to get involved now!
Beverly
[Bleep] me.
[voiceover] It was April 5th, 1980-something. My sister's senior year was cruising right along, until this happened.
Question... What is this garbage?
Beverly
Oh, goodie! You got your college interview for Penn State!
Thing is, I didn't schedule it, and I'm not going. Carnegie Mellon is the only school I care about.
Beverly
Well, you always need a backup. That's why I always bake two pies, in case Murray eats one while sleepwalking.
Mom, if I don't get into CMU, then I'm just gonna skip college to busk on the street like a true artist.
Beverly
So, what am I supposed to tell people? "Oh, there's my daughter, singing next to a hobo who's going pishy on another hobo." Penn State is amazing! That place made your father everything he is today.
Bevy. I lost another hot dog.
Beverly
What? Why does this keep happening?
I guess 'cause my, uh, gesturing hand is also my hot-dog-holding hand.
I think my point here is proven.
Beverly
Murray, your daughter thinks she's too good to go to her Penn State interview.
Let's get something straight, little missy. Graduating from Penn State is the greatest accomplishment of my life.
Too bad, Dad. I'm going to Carnegie Mellon.
You are going to Penn State. It is cheaper, it's more affordable, and it costs less!
That's the same thing said three different ways!
Well, if it's good enough for me, it's good enough for you.
Okay, fine. I guess I didn't realize how important this was to you. I promise to take my Penn State interview seriously.
[voiceover] By "seriously", my sister meant "intentionally tank" her Penn State interview.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, the biggest night for any bride, besides the wedding, was the bachelorette party. Lashes were curled, hair was crimped, sashes were sashed... All to make it a night that the bride-to-be would never forget.
Guys, it's so sweet you went to all this trouble for me.
Really? 'Cause you said if we didn't, you'd "never forgive us."
VEValley Erica
And then you said, "If you're going to go to the trouble, do everything I say."
We totally went all-out. I even packed us a naughty bag of bachelorette nastiness. [She shows Erica and Lainey her purple bag] Check it out, girlfriend.
[Taking the purple bag from Lainey] Oh, n-n-n-never!
Bar, you need to chill. All we're doing is going for a little fondue and a lot of karaoke.
Where there's music, there's dancing. Will there be dancing in a group setting? Someone tell me.
VEValley Erica
What's happening?
As bridesmaids, you are totally obligated to form a protective dance wall around the bride-to-be.
I thought our job was to, like, catch the bouquet and hook up with a random hot cousin.
Wrong! Now, everyone fall into anti-grinding formation. Let's practice. Hey, I'm a local townie looking for a good grind. Uh-oh. They're playing "Safety Dance." But this is not safe.
Honestly, it's going to be fine.
Then you leave me no choice. Attention! I shall throw my own wild bachelor party.
You should. You're never gonna do better anyway.
Agreed. Time to go tell my best man to plan a gnarly bachelor party and also pick my best man. [He goes downstairs to see Adam] Adam, it's recently come to my attention that I need a best man, and I've made my choice.
Naked Rob, right? He's the heart and soul of the JTP.
No, dummy. It's you, 'cause you're my brother and you mean that stupid world to me.
Stop. Don't make this all weird and tearful.
I-I just can't help it. It's just such a wonderful moment for us.
No! Don't you dare feel deep emotion, 'cause then I'll feel it, too!
I just... I have a brother who loves me so much.
It's true. We gotta do man stuff fast. We can battle on my official "Over the Top" arm-wrestling table. I'm gonna break all the little bones in your little bird hand.
Do it. Right now. Be Stallone. Go over the top and pin my arm.
Oh, no! Now we're just holding hands and staring into each other's teary eyes.
Your fingers are so gently entangled in mine.
It's like you're my missing puzzle piece!
I don't know where I stop and where you begin!
No! If you cry tears of love, then I'll cry tears of love.
Beverly
Oh, no! I hear crying. I've got my first-aid kit. What's wrong?
Barry asked me to be his best man!
Beverly
Oh, sweet God, no.
Beverly
I need to hug you both as tight as I can right now.
[They tearfully give each other a hug]
[voiceover] It was December 5th, 1980-something, and my mom was dropping us off at school in my dad's crappy old car. At least, she was trying to.
CMCoach Mellor
Goldbergs, you're up. Unlock and unload.
Beverly
Mwah, mwah. Go. Be the amazing, delicious boys I birthed you to be.
[trying to unlock the door] Damn it! You know this door doesn't open from the inside. You gotta get out and open it.
CMCoach Mellor
Goldberg, Goldfarb, let's hurry it up.
Beverly
Damn it, just get out on Adam's side.
[trying to open the door] The door's bungee-d shut 'cause Dad slammed it too hard after the Eagles lost.
Beverly
[getting out of Murray's car] Oh, poop!
CMCoach Mellor
No, you don't get out. They get out.
Beverly
If I don't get out, they can't get out. I'm sorry. I had to take Murray's car today.
CMCoach Mellor
I don't need your backstory, Norman Mailer. Just get 'em out.
Beverly
[She accidentally breaks the car door handle] Damn it, Murray!
CMCoach Mellor
All right, we got a two-minute limit. You're gonna have to circle back around. Next!
Beverly
I am not getting back in that line. Look at how long it is.
CMCoach Mellor
It's that long because of you!
Beverly
Boys, just climb out the window. Go, go, go! [Adam and Barry climb out the window] Oh, Schmoopie, no! Don't go headfirst!
I gotta see when I'm landing on. I don't want to get a gravel rash.
CMCoach Mellor
All right, this circus act is unacceptable.
CMCoach Mellor
Forget 'em. You got four other senses.
Wait. My Toaster Strudel.
Beverly
I'll drop it off later.
It's fine. I'll just "Dukes of Hazzard" it.
Beverly
Oh, Barry, no. Do not "Dukes of Hazzard" the window.
Too late! [runs towards the car but he is hit]
Beverly
You need a new car.
Ah, again with this? My car works just fine. Tell her, Bill.
This kind of feels like one of those lose-lose situations I'd rather not be involved in.
Beverly
Too late. You're going with us. You're gonna be a bad influence and goad him into spending more money.
How about this? We compromise. I replace the door handle, and boom! Everybody wins!
Beverly
Forget the door handle. You've been driving the same car since our first date.
So it's got sentimental value. You get it.
Beverly
You're getting a new car. [leaves him]
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
