The Big Bang Theory · Season 2
We now have the address of the [America's Next] Top Model house.
God bless you, Google Street View--registered trademark.
Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.
Oh, look! Saturn 3 is on.
I don't want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space 9 is better.
How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.
In what sense is that a compromise?
Well, 5 is partway between 3 and…never mind.
I'll tell you what. How about we go 'Rock-Paper-Scissors'?
Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of 'Rock-Paper-Scissors', players familiar with each other will tie 75-80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock'.
What?
It's very simple. Look -- Scissors cuts Paper, Paper covers Rock. Rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes Scissors, Scissors decapitates Lizard. Lizard eats Paper, Paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, Rock crushes Scissors.
…Okay. I think I got it.
Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock! [both play Spock and groan in frustration]
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
Well, I wanna watch it now.
Then I believe we've arrived at another quintissential 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock' moment.
[Sheldon holds up his fist in preparation to play]
Watch whatever you want. [gives Sheldon the remote]
I saw what you did there.
[confused] What'd I do?
[knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard!
What Sheldon? What Sheldon? What Sheldon?
Tell me what you see here. [points to his laptop screen]
The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
This is Stephanie's Facebook page. Now where it should say "in a relationship", what does it say?
Stephanie Barnett is single.
Furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who's Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
It's just her Facebook page! And we've only been going out a couple of weeks.
You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
OK, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You…are not in this relationship. I…am! Ergo, you have noooo say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Give me one good reason why not.
Because this is not Star Trek!
[Sheldon is discussing Leonard's failed relationships with Penny]
So what is the "down" and the "low", and don't worry, this is all entirely confidential, so you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.
We never got to the bedroom.
Because...?
OK, all right, you know what? I'll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?!
Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
Oh come on! Sheldon, we don't ask questions like that.
I heard you ask it over and over! How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
He did very nicely.
Sheldon See? She's not offended. And now you finally have an answer.
Some mornings, I'll just mosey down to the third floor in my pajamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
Really? I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
She doesn't like you.
[later]
What could I have possibly done to insult Mrs. Vartabedian?
I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, Lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is, what's up with that?
[crying] Why are you yelling at me?
Sorry! I'm sorry sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
[chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?
Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
He tried to take nude photos of you?
[screaming] That's what you took from that?! The guy is married!
Oh yeah. I'm sorr…oh, that's terrible!
[Penny knocks on the door]
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
How's your leg?
Very good. Thanks for asking. Come on in.
Oh good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know that I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
[handing Sheldon his present] Ok, here.
Hmmm. [starts to open his present] I should note, I'm having some digestive distress, [Leonard shakes his head no] so if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. [completes opening his present] Oh! A napkin.
Turn it over!
[becomes weak at the knees and has to sit down as he reads] "To Sheldon. Live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy."
He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty, he wiped his mouth with it.
[gasps] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!
Well…yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it!
[visibly shaking] Do you realize what this means?!?! All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.
[trash talking to Barry Kripke] Kripke. Your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Oh, snap.
Now of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
What difference does it make, fat is fat!
There are boundaries!
Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
What's wrong with him?
He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
We're all pathetic and cweepy and can't get girls. That's why we fight wobots. If you're not there, you'll be exposed to widicule.
[addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?
Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
What's wwong with him?
He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
We'we aww pathetic and cweepy and can't get giwws. That's why we fight wobots. If you'we not thewe, you'ww be exposed to widicule.
[addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?
Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant -
[deliberately interrupting him] Hey, I'm thinking of growing a moustache.
[playing along] Aaah… No kidding. Fu Manchu? A Handlebar? Pencil?
[desperately] It's extracted from the plant -
I'm not sure yet. You know. George Clooney has one.
Really? I once saw him at Ralph's. He was buying tequila.
Oh. You'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[They look at Sheldon, who is crinkling his lips in frustration]
[smiling] Alright. This is cruel. We'd better let him finish before his head explodes.
Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca - ?
[very quickly, in a rambling manner] Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly! [takes a drink of water]
Feel better now?
[continuing] It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding, and you [Leonard] promised you wouldn't do that anymore!
What about Howard and Raj, how did [Sheldon] become friends with them?
I don't know...how do carbon atoms form a benzene ring? Proximity and valence electrons.
Well yeah sure, when you put it that way.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Big Bang Theory pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
