I see no large upcoming expenditures, unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with Adamantium like Wolverine.
Are they working on that?
I sincerely hope so.
S2 E14The Financial Permeability
[to Sheldon, Howard, and Raj, who have come to assist him in getting money that Penny's ex-boyfriend owes her] Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Yes. Koothrapalli's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Excuse me, there are four of us and one of him.
Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.
Oh, Leonard. If we moved in together, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you.
Really?
And you thought my acting classes were a waste of money.
S2 E15The Maternal Capacitance
[about Leonard] My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an overdeveloped sex drive.
BHBeverly Hofstadter
Oh, I don't know where he would have gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from a neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University press.
Here is your tea, mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Swell. If you are lucky maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
[Sheldon looks thrilled]
I'm sorry, it's on my other laptop.
Awwww…
[attempting to get back at Howard and Raj, who were asking Beverly to talk about Leonard's more successful siblings] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Oh, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common, it borders on sociological cliché.
It's just temporary. I pay rent.
He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Say what?
S2 E16The Cushion Saturation
That is my spot. In an ever-changing world it is a simple point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function in a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be [0,0,0,0].
Do you know what baffles me, Sheldon?
Based on your academic record, a number of things, I would imagine.
S2 E17The Terminator Decoupling
[about Summer Glau] I have eleven hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train and tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
[short pause] My money's on tuck and roll.
Unlike you, I can actually talk to women when I'm sober.
You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic, while you, on the other hand, are frail and pasty.
Well, you know the old saying. 'Pasty and frail…never fail.'
[going through a box to find Sheldon's USB] Okay, I've got a box, but there's no key in here. Just letters.
[edgy] That's the wrong box. Put it back.
Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
Don't read those letters!
Oh look! She calls you Moon Pie! That is so cute!
PUT DOWN THE LETTERS!
S2 E18The Work Song Nanocluster
Hey! You know what'd be a great idea: we get some girls over here and play laser-obstacle-strip-chess…
Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that, you don't want to see naked.
You underestimate me.
I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Who's Radiohead?
[after twitching for a moment] I have a working knowledge of the important things.
S2 E19The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition
You hear about this on TV, but you never think it will happen to you.
So they steamed your dumplings; get over it! New topic, please!
All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
So there is a number?
Okay, new topic, please.
[Upon hearing that Leonard, Wolowitz, and Raj are upstairs in the new girl's apartment]
Typical.
It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in her previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstrably fallacious.
[referring to his earlier impersonation of Admiral Ackbar] OK, now I see the squid head.
S2 E20The Hofstadter Isotope
Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Apparently so.
Are you ill?
No.
All right, then is it fair to say that you're experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
When did pick up on that?
A moment ago when you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Big Bang Theory pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.