The Big Bang Theory · Season 11
All right, that moves us on to the tactical shipping phase. Penny, I believe as logistics commander, that's you.
Okay. [waving a white napkin] I surrender.
Nice try, Penny. It takes more than everybody not enjoying it to stop a game with Sheldon Cooper.
You know, I'm really happy with our wedding date. The month squared equals the square of the sum of the members of the set of prime factors of the day. Isn't that romantic?
Yes, it's like that Shakespeare sonnet, "Shall I compare thee to a day that's also a really weird math problem?"
Did Albert Einstein ever sit in any of these chairs?
I think these are fairly new. But Stephen Hawking's eaten here a lot.
Yeah, but he brings his own chair, you know?
Oh, Penny, I folded your laundry for you.
That's not mine.
It's not?
No.
[holds up a pair of large pink panties] So you're telling me that this is not yours.
Nope.
So I'm holding a stranger's underpants.
Yeah.
[drops the panties and puts Purell on his hands] And just like that, it's the worst day of my life.
God. What's happening? I'm a smart, educated, successful...
Woman?
I was gonna get it.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Pregnancy and childbirth actually cause physical changes to the structure of your brain.
I liked the old structure of my brain. But then [takes a look at her frame] I liked a lot of my old structures.
Well, these are positive changes. Studies with rats show that new mothers are more sensitive to danger, better at multitasking and bolder in the pursuit of food.
What you got there?
Oh, I grabbed a sandwich at the food truck out front.
Wait, n-now hold on. Tonight is Friday, and I believe you know what that means.
That my fun, young life took a drastic turn somewhere?
No.
But yeah.
No, that means it's Chinese food night.
Yeah, and you have Chinese food, so eat it.
But I can smell your pastrami.
And we can all hear your complaining, so no one's happy.
[relaxing in Howard's jacuzzi] Oh, this is the life. What could be better than this?
If you weren't wearing one of my swimsuits.
I'll give it back.
You know the rule. Once it touches heinie, it's no longer miney.
You're such a prude. Do you know all the things this water's touching right now?
[getting out] Well, I'm relaxed enough.
If Bruce Banner is driving a rental car and turns into the Hulk, do you think it's covered, or does he need to add the Hulk as an additional driver?
You really need a girlfriend.
Oh, my God! This tomato is amazing! I can eat it like an apple.
The secret is I fertilze it with my own manure.
[Raj stops eating]
The look on your face.
It's a sort of grin. You wanna know which kind?
What are you doing?
Pigeon check for Sheldon. All clear on the north side!
Okay, let's look at some planets!
I've learned to accept change.
Since when?
Since Amy changed her shampoo from Prell to Prell for oily hair. Although I miss how her head used to slide off the pillow. [walks to the counter]
Hello, can I help you?
Who are you?
I'm Denise, the new assistant manager.
Nope! [Drops the comic book and runs out]
Speaking of fashion, I'm going to ask the university for money. What should I wear?
I can lend you a bra that gets me free drinks.
How much money are you asking for?
Five hundred million dollars.
I'd go no bra.
I can't believe you threw me under the bus like that!
I know! Crazy, right?
Do you know how that makes me look?
I do. Terrible!
What happened to keeping a united front?
I'm sorry, is this your first day being a girl?
Okay, so each welcome bag gets a schedule of events, a map, and chocolate from me. And from Sheldon, a bottle of Purell, the number for Poison Control in case someone accidentally drinks the Purell, and a laminated table of elements because the American school system is a failure.
How many out of town guests are there gonna be?
I'm actually not sure. Turns out Sheldon didn't invite his brother.
Mm. Now it's starting to sound like a wedding.
And his mom said she won't come if his brother's not there.
Ooh, now it's starting to sound like a good wedding.
So, wait, y-your brother is Dr. Tire?
Yes, and apparently, it only takes half a semester of community college to get that particular doctorate.
We passed three of these stores on the way here. Why did you say he's just some loser who sells tires?
You're right, that was unfair. He's a loser who sells more tires than anyone in Texas.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Big Bang Theory pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
