Scenes with Bernadette Rostenkowski 59
So did you wind up sending that machine back?
I did. You know, I'm not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the train store, it said everyone was sad.
Bernadette [enters the apartment] I finally got Halley to sleep.
You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.
It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.
Oh, so all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.
We can't. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.
Yeah, all right. Bernadette, let's test this theory. What do you think I'm feeling right now?
Bernadette Let's see... You're better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don't have to be us.
[turns to Howard] Keep filling this one with babies, she's good.
[Howard walks into the kitchen]
Bernadette Good.
[hugs Bernadette] Whatcha doing?
Bernadette Making lasagna.
Oh, she's sexy, she can cook, such a lucky guy.
Bernadette You want something stupid or you did something stupid?
No! I just walked in here, saw how beautiful you are, and had to tell you.
Bernadette Oh dear God, you're cheating on me with Raj. [smiles]
[chuckles] That one never gets old.
This is supposed to be our family fun day. What's so important on your phone?
Bernadette I'm on the daycare's website.
Well, stop looking at that. The daycare's great! It's on campus, my office is two minutes away. There's nothing to worry about.
Bernadette What if she likes the people who work there more than us?
She already likes soap bubbles more than us!
[over Skype] I gave you one job! Keep an eye on him. How hard is that?
We thought you meant not letting him run out into traffic.
Bernadette Which he only did once.
Bernadette We didn't want you to worry.
No. Come on, it's Sheldon. Nothing is gonna happen.
That's what you said to me when I started dating him. And then five years later, bingo-bango, something happened.
Bernadette Yeah, but you're gonna be back in three months.
You don't get it. I've been smacking that ketchup bottle for a long time. All she's got to do is tip it over and point it at her fries.
Well, what do you want us to do?
I don't know. Might be the New Jersey talking, but this Nowitzki broad needs to disappear.
Bernadette That's ridiculous. As far as we know, all that happened is two scientists had lunch.
Yeah, but one of those scientists is a tall, blonde Olympic swimmer.
Come on, looks don't matter to Sheldon. [pause] Because he only has eyes for you!
Thanks, I was scrambling.
Oh, come on. You can't really be disappointed [about having a baby boy].
Hey, I barely know how to be a man myself. Now I have to teach someone?
As the saying goes, "Those who can't do, teach."
Don't you want a little version of Howard?
Bernadette I already have a little version of Howard.
Heck, now I'm having a son . I'll have to teach him how to play sports , and watch sports, and-and-and-and-and...
[to Leonard] He just ran out of "Man Things", he's in trouble.
Bernadette [first lines as Bernadette wakes Howard up] Howie. Howie, wake up. It's time.
[waking up] Oh. Did your water break?
Bernadette No.
Are you feeling any contractions?
Bernadette No.
[she starts to climb out of bed] Wait. Well, where are you going?
Bernadette To the hospital. Today's my due date, and this crap needs to end now.
Bernadette God. What's happening? I'm a smart, educated, successful...
Bernadette I was gonna get it.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Pregnancy and childbirth actually cause physical changes to the structure of your brain.
Bernadette I liked the old structure of my brain. But then [takes a look at her frame] I liked a lot of my old structures.
Well, these are positive changes. Studies with rats show that new mothers are more sensitive to danger, better at multitasking and bolder in the pursuit of food.
I can't believe you threw me under the bus like that!
Bernadette I know! Crazy, right?
Do you know how that makes me look?
Bernadette I do. Terrible!
What happened to keeping a united front?
Bernadette I'm sorry, is this your first day being a girl?
Okay, so each welcome bag gets a schedule of events, a map, and chocolate from me. And from Sheldon, a bottle of Purell, the number for Poison Control in case someone accidentally drinks the Purell, and a laminated table of elements because the American school system is a failure.
Bernadette How many out of town guests are there gonna be?
I'm actually not sure. Turns out Sheldon didn't invite his brother.
Mm. Now it's starting to sound like a wedding.
And his mom said she won't come if his brother's not there.
Bernadette Ooh, now it's starting to sound like a good wedding.
Now we got a lot of family coming in tomorrow. I'm gonna need everyone's help . Think of this as one of your comic book movies. There's a bunch of superheroes, each with a different task.
Oh, like the new Avengers
Bernadette Which one was that?
The one you slept through last weekend.
Bernadette Ah. That was a good nap.
I think it's more like, uh,... like Lord of the Rings , and you're the Fellowship. Someone's gotta go to Gondor, someone's gotta go to Mordor, someone's gotta hold off the Demon of Shadow and Flame.
Bernadette "I heart New York". Aw, the baby's gonna love throwing up on this.
it doesn't have to just be New York. That's the beauty of it. Uh, the initials "NY" can stand for anything you like. For instance, I understand that there is an elderly rock-and-roll musician named Neil Young. Perhaps you heart him. [pause] Or if not him, Egyptian table tennis silver medalist Noha Yossry. Or Nana Yamaguchi, the Japanese voice actress who starred in Sally the Witch .
Did you just Google the initials "NY"?
I had Wi-Fi and a long plane flight. Draw your own conclusions.
[They head off]
Bernadette How do you feel about this?
She can clearly do better, but that's not for me to say.
Bernadette No. Them in his room. Doing stuff.
C'mon. We're sitting right out here. They're not going to do anything. [As soon as that's out of his mouth, suddenly Sade's " Smooth Operator" starts playing loudly from his room] I'd like to change my answer.
So when was the last time you saw Howard in his astronaut uniform?
Bernadette About a week ago.
Really? What was the occasion?
Bernadette Date night. We do a little role-playing.
Bernadette [using Russian accent] I am Ykatarina Nazdorovya, lonely Russian cosmonaut who is expert at physics and making love.
Okay, that just made the next hour really weird.
Okay, Sheldon and Amy are still pretty upset about their theory being disproved.
So we have made a list of subjects for everyone to avoid.
Oh, SimCity. Sounds too much like symmetry.
That also applies to The Simpsons , Simba from The Lion King , and cymbals.
Russia or Russian in any context. The country, the dressing, the roulette.
Uh, also, no talk of Rocky IV .
Bernadette Why Rocky IV ?
Because he fights a Russian. I'm sorry about her.
Bernadette So Leonard's really considering this?
Yes. We got in a huge fight about it. He said, well, if I don't want to have his baby, then why shouldn't someone else be able to? Do you believe that? What?
Bernadette Well, there is a deep-seated biological drive to pass on your genes. It's only natural.
Well, viewing Leonard as a mammal, it's perfectly understandable.
Bernadette But viewing him as your husband, he stinks.
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The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
Bernadette
