Bernadette Rostenkowski quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Penny

[reading a text] Unhh, it's from Leonard. He wants to go costume shopping later.

Amy

I thought you liked Halloween.

Penny

I do. It's just that he wants to go to that party at the comic book store. A lot of the guys that hang out there are kinda creepy.

Bernadette

Like my husband?

Amy

And my boyfriend?

Howard

Two weeks ago I was an astronaut.

Bernadette

Well, today you're a Smurf! Keep walking!

Bernadette

I’m really sorry that they took Sheldon’s spot away. He shouldn't have to suffer just because Howard’s such a big deal now.

Amy

I know. Sheldon should just let Howard have his little moment in the sun.

Bernadette

What’s that supposed to mean?

Amy

Well, Howard’s never going to space again, but Sheldon will always be a genius.

Bernadette

You’re right. And I’m sure Sheldon will get a fancy parking spot again if and when he makes a worthwhile contribution to science.

Amy

If and when?

Penny

All right. Maybe we should change the subject. Amy, how are your lady parts? Still chilly down there?

Bernadette

Hang on. Hey. None of Sheldon’s theories have ever been definitively proven. My husband actually went to outer space.

Amy

That’s an impressive accomplishment. He’s now an inspiration to millions of Americans who now know you don’t have to be special or even qualified to go into space.

Penny

You know, I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My..my sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. [Laughs] It’s a bad idea.

Bernadette

Gosh, Amy, I’m sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because like Sheldon’s work, your sex life is also theoretical?

Penny

Damn.

Amy

Well, at least when we do make love, Sheldon won’t be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes, that’s a cleverly veiled reference to Howard’s lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb.

Penny

Anyway, to this day, I still can’t see a box of crayons without crossing my legs.

Bernadette

I don’t have to take this. I’m going to go home and have sex with my husband right now! Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in a parking spot; which sounds dirty, but I didn't mean it that way!

Bernadette

[nervous] Why are they staring?

Amy

Who cares, just soak it in. Hello boys!

Stuart

Oh, hey! [To the staring men] Can you please stop staring, they're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.

Penny

Hey Stuart.

Stuart

W-what brings you guys here?

Bernadette

We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.

Stuart

Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.

Penny

... No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.

Stuart

Oh, o-okay, well, what do you think you might be into? Superhero? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga? [sees his customers are staring at them again] I swear, I will turn a hose on you!

Bernadette

What kind of comics do the guys like?

Stuart

Umm... A little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.

Amy

All right, well, who's the best superhero?

Stuart

[panicking] SSHH! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble!?

Thanks again for letting me drag girls' night.

Penny

Are you kidding? You brought fancy wine and made fondue. I've slept with guys for less. [Everyone stares at her.] It's a joke! Based on real events.

Anyway I was hoping I could pick your brains a little. I'm supposed to take Lucy out Friday and I need a killer first date.

Amy

Well, evolutionary biology says that women are attracted to a man who is steady in the face of danger So I recommend an unsafe environment. A seedy bar on the wrong side of the tracks. Picnic near a lunatic asylum. A wine tasting on skid row.

Lucy has some social anxiety issues. Maybe we could start with something simpler.

Bernadette

Why don't you take her to Disneyland? You can go on Space Mountain; you're in the dark, she's holding onto you.

Penny

Yeah, you just have to remember that that ride is shorter then you think. And they take a picture at the end so make sure you have all your clothes back on. [Everyone stares at her] It's a joke!! ...Based on real events.

Howard

What are you guys doing here?

Leonard

When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad’s letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.

Howard

Oh yeah, what’s that?

Sheldon

It’s simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.

Penny

We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.

Sheldon

Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.

Penny

Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it.

Bernadette

Sit down, honey.

Sheldon

Raj, you’re up.

Okay. It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Farsides’ card, the one where the frog has his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.

Leonard

Sheldon.

Sheldon

It was a map, leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.

Howard

Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.

Amy

Told you.

Sheldon

Don’t.

Leonard

Amy.

Amy

You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.

Howard

Really?

Sheldon

Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.

Leonard

Penny.

Penny

It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.

Sheldon

I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.

Amy

No it’s not.

Sheldon

Don’t.

Leonard

OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.

Howard

Hm.

Leonard

Bernadette.

Bernadette

Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift. [Howard gets up and walks away]. You okay?

Howard

Yeah. I’m terrific.

Sheldon

So? Which one do you think it is, matey?

Howard

Actually I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.

Leonard

Well, one of them is.

Howard

That is pretty cool. Thank you guys.

Amy

Ah well. When we were going through security I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.

Bernadette

Long story short, she’s now on the no-fly list and we might have been followed here by a drone.

Amy

I’m sorry. I feel like such an idiot.

Penny

Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you feel shame and you got groped by a stranger. That’s Vegas. You nailed it.

OK, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.

Bernadette

Should we just do couples?

Leonard

Couples sounds great or we could mix things up maybe pick teams out of a hat. Whatever.

Penny

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me?

Leonard

I just said couples sound great.

Penny

Hm-mm. Yea. You don’t think I’m smart enough. You just think I’m going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.

Leonard

No, let’s do couples. I want to.

Penny

Oh no, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon and we’re going to kick your ass.

Sheldon

Really? The only time I ever get picked first for the team and I’m stuck with the liability.

Amy

Stop that. Penny is not a liability.

Penny

Thank you. Do you want me to be on my team?

Amy

Maybe we pick names out of a hat?

Bernadette

I may have overreacted

Howard

Well, yeah, well. I didn’t handle it so great either.

Bernadette

Just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me.

Howard

That’s not true.

Bernadette

It’s not? You spend all day together at work and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week you two got a couple’s massage. You said you wouldn’t want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings.

Howard

Oh wow, yeah, I get that. I’m so sorry. Starting tomorrow I am turning over a new leaf. Being with you is my number one priority.

Howard

[singing to quarantined Bernadette, the other five backing him up]

And he'd probably still live with his mom.

Howard

Ever since I met you, you turned my world around.

Bernadette

[choked up] Oh, Howie!

Howard

If I didn't have you,

And he'd definitely still live with his mom.

Howard

Ever since I met you, you turned my world around.

Oh, we couldn't have imagined how good our lives would get,

Amy

My God, that’s the girl that broke Rajesh’s heart.

Bernadette

That’s Lucy?

Penny

I don’t know why, but I always pictured her as Indian.

Bernadette

I think that reason's called racism.

Penny

I’m going to talk to her.

Bernadette

Why? What are you going to say?

Penny

I’m not going to say anything. I’m just want to check her out. She hurt my friend. My Indian friend. Who’s racist now?

Bernadette

You. Because you just called him your Indian friend.

Penny

Yeah, well, you’re short.

Amy

We’re never getting our drinks.

Bernadette

No, believe that.

Penny

Hi. Can I start off with something to drink?

Oh, water would be great.

Penny

Okay. Um, you’re Lucy, right? I’m a friend of Rajesh Koothrappali. You see, Amy recognized you.

Wow, how’s he doing?

Penny

Oh, you know. He’s good.

Great.

Penny

Yeah. This is none of my business, but why did you break up with him in an email?

Um, I don’t know. I guess I thought it would be easier.

Penny

Yea, I get that. I’ll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? Cause it certainly didn’t make it easier for him.

Any chance I can get a different waitress?

Penny

I’m sorry, it’s rude of me. I will get you that water. See, see, see, see. Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you can do that with me and not with Raj?

I don’t know your email.

Penny

You know what the worst part is? You’re sitting here perfectly happy and he’s at home a blubbering mess.

I thought you said he was OK.

Penny

Well, I also said I was getting your water, but look at me. Still standing here. You know, maybe I’m a bad waitress, but you’re a bad person. Now, you want to hear the special?

Bernadette

You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still lived across from him.

Amy

And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.

Penny

We do?

Penny

Hey, Sheldon.

Sheldon

Hello.

Penny

Doing laundry?

Sheldon

Of course I’m doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I’m in a laundry room, so… I believe your inference is justified.

Penny

Oh my inference is justified. Sheldon you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who is wearing them.

Penny

[Listening to the story.] OK, that’s enough.

Disagree.

Penny

[pointing to her bra] So what do you think?

Sheldon

A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.

Penny

Please Sheldon, I need you.

Sheldon

To what?

Penny

To take me.

Sheldon

I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.

Penny

Come on, Sheldon. You and me right here.

Sheldon

Penny for the thousandth time. I’m saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.

Penny

I think I know how to change your mind.

That’s enough.

Bernadette

You guys ever thought of getting a dining room table?

Amy

Yeah, you actually do have room for one up there.

Oh sure! I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl sat 10 seconds and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA.

Sheldon

No one is running anywhere. We're not getting a dining room table.

Leonard

I know you don't like change, but it's not a terrible idea.

Penny

You guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?

Sheldon

Do you want the long answer or the short answer?

Howard

How come we never get that option?

Sheldon

Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system if the equation is describing its behavior in non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.

Penny

Translation?

Leonard

[Imitating a baby] Wah! I don't want a table!

Howard

Good news. Someone in this room gets to take a ride on a rocket.

Bernadette

Fine, can I at least shower first?

Penny

It's a sequel of that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.

Bernadette

Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that.

Sheldon

She does. 42 minutes in.

While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.

Sheldon

I have an eidetic memory. I don't know what his problem is.