A character in The Big Bang Theory
6th most-quoted character in The Big Bang Theory: in 107 of its 597 quotes
Most scenes with: Howard Wolowitz (66), Leonard Hofstadter (59), Sheldon Cooper (58)
Hey, wanna spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Uh, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise.
You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Good point. I'm in!
Anybody else? Huh? No? Okay! It all comes down to me, as the best man. [Stands up] Ooo, this grasshopper's kicking my ass-hopper. Okay okay, when I first came to this country, I, I didn't know how to behave, or how to dress, or what was school, I was pretty lonely. But, then I met Howard and suddenly my life changed, because, we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world!
Yeah, nice speech Francine! [Tucks some cash into his pants]
I'm not done but, thank you! I think back, to all the good times we had, like uh, when we went camping, and spent that night telling each other all our secrets.... I told him, I'm addicted to pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. [Everybody laughs]
She was my second cousin.
And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Bada-bazinga!
Oh, oh yeah, and then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and, and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish, and that she wanted his little Kosher pickle. [Everybody laughs again] Of all the Howard-humping-hooker stories, that was my favorite!
Okay, buddy! That's it. Sit down.
Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?
Don't remember. Please sit down.
The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life. And I'm proud to say it was with this man, right here! '[Everybody laughs]
Please, shut up.
Oh, oh, don't get me wrong. Nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about, 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!
Oh Internet, this is SO going all over you!.
[Laughs] Jeepers, I'm drunk! [Clinks his glass with Wheaton's]
Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
LOUDER!
They all got ordained! They're all going to marry us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!
Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills… my heart… it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Hmm.
Problem?
No.
I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Oh, grow up.
I didn't say it.
That's enough from the both of you!
Well, he started it.
Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.
Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
I believe you two have prepared vows.
Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
SPEAK UP.
From now on she's the only one that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
By the power invested in us by the state of California...
..and the Klingon High Council...
..we now pronounce you husband and wife.
[All watching Howard's launch on TV]
I love that man.
Me, too.
[Bernadette instinctively grabs Raj's hand]
I can't believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.
[She grabs Leonard's hand]
This is it.
Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.
[He grabs Amy's hand which surprises Amy]
[from inside the rocket as it lifts off] Oy vay!
You know, I’m growing to like American football.
Yeah, it’s fun, isn't it?
Well, it’s not the balls-to-the-wall action of badminton or cricket, but hey, what is?
All right, who’s ready for another beer?
I’m good.
No, thank you.
Girls.
Oh, I’m having the nicest time. You guys are like family to me. You know that, right?
That’s great. Get out.
What? Why?
Penny and I have some issues we need to talk about.
Oh pish on your issues. You guys are fine. Yes, you hit some bumps along the way. I mean, Penny, you’ve always known how this man has felt about you, but you made him grovel for affection.
Okay, hold on…
Now, don’t blame yourself. He was a groveler from way back. But the point is, the two of you got past it. And, Leonard, you go and propose to this poor girl in the middle of sex? That was some weak tea, dude.
Some people might say it was romantic.
Yeah, no. But yet, here you two are, still together. And that’s even after you and I had our crazy naked night.
Okay.
That’s enough.
I’m just saying that after everything you've been through, you get to look into each other’s eyes and say “I love you.” And that’s beautiful. [Penny looks sideways guiltily]
Actually, to this day, she’s never really said it.
Oh, Penny! That’s ridiculous. You know you love him. You, you look him in the eyes and you say it.
Raj!
Oh come on, you know you want to say it. Say it. Say you love him. Say it!
[Raj is ejected from the apartment]
I really thought she would say it.
Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?
Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?
I’m in her head. Let the dance begin.
Here’s your frozen yogurt, Dr. Cooper.
This should be fun.
Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?
Yes.
Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?
Rainbow, not chocolate.
Two cherries?
One on top, one on the bottom.
Stems removed?
Um, top one, yes. I didn't check the one on the bottom.
Oh!
I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper.
It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.
[Enters] Oh! hey, man, welcome back!
Oh, Stuart, thanks! What are you doing here?
Well... I kind of live here now.
Just until he gets back on his feet... which are looking good in those boots I bought him for my birthday!
[They fist-bump]
Ah, he's spoiling me and I love it.
Wow, so you guys are like buds now?
Oh, yeah, we hang out all the time. Plus, he doesn't have a girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend...
It's like we have these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other's holes.
I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&M’S, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.
When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Sometime around the third Almond Joy.
[talking about his new car] It's parked in 294.
I'm sorry, 294 is my parking spot.
You don't even drive.
Maybe they reassigned it because you don't use it.
I don't use my nipples either, maybe they should reassign those.
[Lucy knocks at Raj's door.]
Just a sec. Oh, I said 'just a sec'. I hate myself. [Opens door.] Hello.
Hi.
Would you like to come in?
Um. No. I can't stay.
Oh.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for running out of the coffee shop. That wasn't cool. So, ah, yeah. I'm sorry.
Wait. Can you at least tell me what went wrong? It's okay, I can take anything. Unless it's something I did or said or am, 'cause those are like my buttons.
No. It's not any of that. It's just I kind have a hard time around people I don't know.
Really? Then what were you doing at the comic book store that night?
I've been trying to force myself into situations that I'm not comfortable with. I saw the flyer in the store window and I made myself go in. I don't even like comic books.
Yeah, me neither.
Then what were you doing in there?
I lied. I love them. I only said that so you would go out with me.
You don't want to do that. I'm kind of broken.
That's great! I'm broken too.
Oh no you're not.
Oh I totally am. If it wasn't for this beer I couldn't even talk to you right now. I'm a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks either. Like diagnosable psychological problems. Maybe brain damage.
Well. How do I know you're not just saying that?
Go out with me on one date and I promise you you'll see.
OK. Text me. Bye.
You won't regret it. I'm the most pathetic guy you ever met. [To himself.] And that, boys and girls, is how it's done.
Thanks again for letting me drag girls' night.
Are you kidding? You brought fancy wine and made fondue. I've slept with guys for less. [Everyone stares at her.] It's a joke! Based on real events.
Anyway I was hoping I could pick your brains a little. I'm supposed to take Lucy out Friday and I need a killer first date.
Well, evolutionary biology says that women are attracted to a man who is steady in the face of danger So I recommend an unsafe environment. A seedy bar on the wrong side of the tracks. Picnic near a lunatic asylum. A wine tasting on skid row.
Lucy has some social anxiety issues. Maybe we could start with something simpler.
Why don't you take her to Disneyland? You can go on Space Mountain; you're in the dark, she's holding onto you.
Yeah, you just have to remember that that ride is shorter then you think. And they take a picture at the end so make sure you have all your clothes back on. [Everyone stares at her] It's a joke!! ...Based on real events.
What are you guys doing here?
When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad’s letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Oh yeah, what’s that?
It’s simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it.
Sit down, honey.
Raj, you’re up.
Okay. It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Farsides’ card, the one where the frog has his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Sheldon.
It was a map, leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.
Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.
Told you.
Don’t.
Amy.
You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Really?
Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Penny.
It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.
No it’s not.
Don’t.
OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Hm.
Bernadette.
Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift. [Howard gets up and walks away]. You okay?
Yeah. I’m terrific.
So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Actually I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Well, one of them is.
That is pretty cool. Thank you guys.
Are you OK?
No.
I’m so sorry.
No, it’s my fault. I finally find somebody who is right for me and I drove her away.
Oh. Raj.
Penny, I miss her already.
I known how you feel. I miss Leonard too
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I ever have love?
You will.
No. I’m unlovable.
That’s just the booze talking.
No, no. I haven’t had a drink since last night.
[Both realized what he said and look shocked]
You're talking to me.
I am.
Ahh!
Now I’m crying for a whole different reason.
Me too!
I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Oh, I love those. I did them every year there.
We did them at Princeton too.
Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.
Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Scavenger hunts at Harvard were really tough. I’d always get stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me. [Laughs] I guess that story’s more sad than funny.
OK, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Should we just do couples?
Couples sounds great or we could mix things up maybe pick teams out of a hat. Whatever.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me?
I just said couples sound great.
Hm-mm. Yea. You don’t think I’m smart enough. You just think I’m going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her.]
No, let’s do couples. I want to.
Oh no, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon and we’re going to kick your ass.
Really? The only time I ever get picked first for the team and I’m stuck with the liability.
Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Thank you. Do you want me to be on my team?
Maybe we pick names out of a hat?
Sheldon CooperJim Parsons · 398 quotes
Leonard HofstadterJohnny Galecki · 268 quotes
PennyKaley Cuoco · 206 quotes
Howard WolowitzSimon Helberg · 159 quotes
Amy Farrah FowlerMayim Bialik · 140 quotes
Bernadette RostenkowskiMelissa Rauch · 62 quotes
Stuart BloomKevin Sussman · 14 quotes
Wil WheatonWil Wheaton · 7 quotes
BarryJohn Ross Bowie · 6 quotes
ZackBrian Thomas Smith · 6 quotes
MaryLaurie Metcalf · 5 quotes
ArthurBob Newhart · 4 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Big Bang Theory pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes