This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.
AmyWell, I like it.
Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.
Amy
Just watch the movie.
It’s not fair. Penny isn't making Leonard hold hands.
Amy
There might be a reason for that.
Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.
Amy
Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.
Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.
Amy
So?
So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?
Amy
It’s complicated.
String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?
Amy
She’s not sure how she feels.
How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.
Amy
Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard.
Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?
Amy
Yes, please, Penny will kill me.
Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.
Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.
You know, I am very disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate Howard’s accomplishment tonight.
Amy
Me, too. But we’ll see him tomorrow.
Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.
[Penny, Amy, Leonard and Sheldon kneel around the coffee table, each has a blueberry pie before them]
Alright, standard State Fair pie eating contest rules are no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.
Amy
On the count of 3. 1... 2...
Wait. I'm a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.
So with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either stick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face!
Amy
1... 2... 3... EAT! [all four dive in face first then Howard arrives]
Hey guys, guess who's back from space!
AFAll four
NOT NOW! [Howard leaves]
Oh! Ow! Blueberry in my nose! Blueberry in my nose!
Snort it down and keep eating!
I’m really sorry that they took Sheldon’s spot away. He shouldn't have to suffer just because Howard’s such a big deal now.
Amy
I know. Sheldon should just let Howard have his little moment in the sun.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Amy
Well, Howard’s never going to space again, but Sheldon will always be a genius.
You’re right. And I’m sure Sheldon will get a fancy parking spot again if and when he makes a worthwhile contribution to science.
Amy
If and when?
All right. Maybe we should change the subject. Amy, how are your lady parts? Still chilly down there?
Hang on. Hey. None of Sheldon’s theories have ever been definitively proven. My husband actually went to outer space.
Amy
That’s an impressive accomplishment. He’s now an inspiration to millions of Americans who now know you don’t have to be special or even qualified to go into space.
You know, I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My..my sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. [Laughs] It’s a bad idea.
Gosh, Amy, I’m sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because like Sheldon’s work, your sex life is also theoretical?
Amy
Well, at least when we do make love, Sheldon won’t be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes, that’s a cleverly veiled reference to Howard’s lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb.
Anyway, to this day, I still can’t see a box of crayons without crossing my legs.
I don’t have to take this. I’m going to go home and have sex with my husband right now! Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in a parking spot; which sounds dirty, but I didn't mean it that way!
Amy
Sheldon, this isn't helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest.
How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.
Amy
[taken by surprise] You... you want to rub something on my chest?
Amy
[stifling a cough] Maybe we should start with that.
Now you’re being a responsible patient. [he picks up the tub of VapoRub and sits on the couch opposite Amy] Now, you may notice some tingling...
Amy
Oh, I’m counting on it!
[Penny, Amy and Bernadette enter the Comic Book Store. Everyone inside stares at them in shock]
[nervous] Why are they staring?
Amy
Who cares, just soak it in. Hello boys!
Oh, hey! [To the staring men] Can you please stop staring, they're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
W-what brings you guys here?
We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
... No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
Oh, o-okay, well, what do you think you might be into? Superhero? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga? [sees his customers are staring at them again] I swear, I will turn a hose on you!
What kind of comics do the guys like?
Umm... A little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy
All right, well, who's the best superhero?
[panicking] SSHH! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble!?
Amy Farrah Fowler
The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I'm supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it's hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. [looks at Sheldon, who just nods silently] You've been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?
Amy
Alright, so how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?
Amy
Sheldon, what's wrong?
I read his research; it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist in the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy! [starts crying]
Amy
Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
[Amy hugs him tightly]
Amy
How's that?
I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor. [Amy lets go] Why did you stop?! [Amy hugs him again]
One vintage Mister Mxyzptlk action figure. That’s Leonard’s.
Amy
Children’s toy.
One Star Trek: The Next Generation Phasor. That’s Leonard’s.
Amy
Children’s toy.
One Game of Thrones collector’s edition long claw sword. Ah, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.
Amy
So, what’s your plan moving forward?
I suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?
Amy
No.
It took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would go whenever the mood struck him.
Amy
Like a dog boy.
Amy
What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?
That would be ideal. If a person like that existed I would sign on no further questions asked.
Amy
Great! Here I am!
Amy
Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?
Amy
Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger. We’re intellectually compatible. I’m willing to chauffeur you around town. And your personality quirks which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing I find cute as a button. What do you think?
Amy
Tell me one reason that this isn't a fantastic idea.
Amy
See, you can’t. I’m going to see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed.
Amy
What? Why? Is it the {answering machine} message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in.
Amy
What is it then? I did everything just the way you like it.
Amy
THEN WHAT THE HELL SHELDON!?!? We have been going out for over two years and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss because you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever going to have. Just give me one good reason why I can’t live here.
Amy
What?
She doesn't want to live with Leonard so he has to live here again. She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.
[Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois]
You love her very much. Don't you?
You think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand about it.
She is, but when do we get to the part about the streetcars?
When I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once much, much too completely. Like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. Then I was unlucky to lose it.
Amy
Our Penny's a star.
How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?
Thanks again for letting me drag girls' night.
Are you kidding? You brought fancy wine and made fondue. I've slept with guys for less. [Everyone stares at her.] It's a joke! Based on real events.
Anyway I was hoping I could pick your brains a little. I'm supposed to take Lucy out Friday and I need a killer first date.
Amy
Well, evolutionary biology says that women are attracted to a man who is steady in the face of danger So I recommend an unsafe environment. A seedy bar on the wrong side of the tracks. Picnic near a lunatic asylum. A wine tasting on skid row.
Lucy has some social anxiety issues. Maybe we could start with something simpler.
Why don't you take her to Disneyland? You can go on Space Mountain; you're in the dark, she's holding onto you.
Yeah, you just have to remember that that ride is shorter then you think. And they take a picture at the end so make sure you have all your clothes back on. [Everyone stares at her] It's a joke!! ...Based on real events.
What are you guys doing here?
When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad’s letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
It’s simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it.
Okay. It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Farsides’ card, the one where the frog has his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
It was a map, leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.
Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.
Amy
Told you.
Amy
You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.
Amy
No it’s not.
OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift. [Howard gets up and walks away]. You okay?
So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Actually I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.
That is pretty cool. Thank you guys.
Amy
Ah well. When we were going through security I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Long story short, she’s now on the no-fly list and we might have been followed here by a drone.
Amy
I’m sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you feel shame and you got groped by a stranger. That’s Vegas. You nailed it.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
