[Knock..knock..knock] Amy? [Knock..knock..knock] Amy? [Knock..knock..knock] Amy?
AmyWhat?
Never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.
Amy
You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up.
Thank-you. Would you go and tell everyone else that because they think otherwise.
Amy
I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.
Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think a horse goes into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?” That’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.
Amy
Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Oh my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
Amy
And now?
Amy
Do you have any interest now?
Amy
Wow, talk dirty to me.
I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but for me what we have is extremely intimate.
Amy
I guess I know that. It’s just a part of me wants more.
More? Just look at us. It’s only been three years. Here we are in bed together. [Sitting on it.]
Amy
[Amy laughs slightly.] Come on. Let’s go back out there.
No, hold on. My Elven magic user and your half-Ork warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.
Amy
OK.
I believe that we just killed the dragon and while the others pillage the corpse I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armor. [Rolls dice] It comes off.
Amy
Oh?
Amy
I…kiss you on the lips?
I kiss you back on the… [Rolls dice] …lips as well. Your turn.
Amy
I remove your armor. What do you do?
I erotically caress your… [Rolls dice] …nose.
Amy
Keep rolling!
Amy
Sheldon. Your fight's with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do…
Careful Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy.
Amy
Really.
Yes. You’re either with me or against me.
Amy
You want to take the bus to work?
Maybe there’s a third option.
I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Oh, I love those. I did them every year there.
We did them at Princeton too.
Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.
Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy
Scavenger hunts at Harvard were really tough. I’d always get stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me. [Laughs] I guess that story’s more sad than funny.
OK, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Should we just do couples?
Couples sounds great or we could mix things up maybe pick teams out of a hat. Whatever.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me?
I just said couples sound great.
Hm-mm. Yea. You don’t think I’m smart enough. You just think I’m going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her.]
No, let’s do couples. I want to.
Oh no, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon and we’re going to kick your ass.
Really? The only time I ever get picked first for the team and I’m stuck with the liability.
Amy
Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Thank you. Do you want me to be on my team?
Amy
Maybe we pick names out of a hat?
Well. You sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there. I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Well, personally I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favorite show, not mine. Oh look at little Laura Ingalls eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter, huh. That’s strange since peanut butter wasn't introduced until the early 1900’s. [Amy stops smiling.] If I knew this show was about time travel I would have watched it much sooner.
Amy
[Amy stops the show.] You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.
That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone since telephones only existed in large cities at the time. It’s more like Little House on the Preposterous.
Amy
Sheldon we are in a relationship. When you get angry, tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge.
Are you sure? Every time my Dad stayed out all night my Mom put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.
Amy
Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it.
Well, fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me but you may have ruined the whole franchise, except for the fourth one which was bad before you got your mitts on it.
Amy
I shouldn't have said it. I’m sorry.
Amy
You feel better?
Yes. But not as good when I tell you, your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He’s a cat. He doesn't have a job.
[Knock..knock..knock] Amy. [Knock..knock..knock] Amy. [Knock..knock..knock] Amy.
Amy
Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?
I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh speaking of which. Do you want some mutton and coconut milk?
Amy
No.
Boy, I cannot give this stuff away.
Amy
What do you want?
Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
Amy
Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo.
I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, you’re funniest kind of humor.
Amy
What’s your point?
My point is we’re a couple and I like you for who you are quirks and all.
Amy
I like you too.
I should hope so. I don’t see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. [Amy slams the door in his face] Not even a goodbye. You see, that’s the kind of thing that makes people think you’re weird. Poor kid, she just doesn’t see it.
This is the very copy of the Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and.. .
Amy
And what?
Amy
What’s wrong?
I've made a horrible mistake.
Amy
What are you talking about?
This table. It’s in square centimeters. I read it in square meters. Do you know what that means?
Amy
That Americans can’t handle the metric system?
Amy, I was off by a factor of ten thousand.
Amy
But the Chinese team found the element.
Well they shouldn't have, my calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.
Amy
You mean you just got lucky?
Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky!
Amy
You and me both, brother. It doesn't matter. The element was found because of you and that’s ground breaking.
What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius. I’m a fraud.
Amy
My God, that’s the girl that broke Rajesh’s heart.
I don’t know why, but I always pictured her as Indian.
I think that reason's called racism.
I’m going to talk to her.
Why? What are you going to say?
I’m not going to say anything. I’m just want to check her out. She hurt my friend. My Indian friend. Who’s racist now?
You. Because you just called him your Indian friend.
Yeah, well, you’re short.
Amy
We’re never getting our drinks.
Hi. Can I start off with something to drink?
LLucy
Oh, water would be great.
Okay. Um, you’re Lucy, right? I’m a friend of Rajesh Koothrappali. You see, Amy recognized you.
LLucy
Wow, how’s he doing?
Yeah. This is none of my business, but why did you break up with him in an email?
LLucy
Um, I don’t know. I guess I thought it would be easier.
Yea, I get that. I’ll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? Cause it certainly didn’t make it easier for him.
LLucy
Any chance I can get a different waitress?
I’m sorry, it’s rude of me. I will get you that water. See, see, see, see. Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you can do that with me and not with Raj?
LLucy
I don’t know your email.
You know what the worst part is? You’re sitting here perfectly happy and he’s at home a blubbering mess.
LLucy
I thought you said he was OK.
Well, I also said I was getting your water, but look at me. Still standing here. You know, maybe I’m a bad waitress, but you’re a bad person. Now, you want to hear the special?
Sheldon you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Yeah. Back when I was dating Zack. Actually it was more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
What? You went to a chapel?
We had one those silly fake weddings.
Penny, you know those are real. Right?
No, they’re not. [Laughing it off]
[Looking worried] No, they’re not.
Amy
They’re real.
[quietly] It didn’t seem real.
You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still lived across from him.
Amy
And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
[Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters.]
Of course I’m doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I’m in a laundry room, so… I believe your inference is justified.
Oh my inference is justified. Sheldon you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who is wearing them.
[Listening to the story.] OK, that’s enough.
[pointing to her bra] So what do you think?
A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Please Sheldon, I need you.
I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Come on, Sheldon. You and me right here.
Penny for the thousandth time. I’m saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
I think I know how to change your mind.
[Sheldon walks up the stairs with a joyful Amy talking about his newborn nephew]
Amy
Did you miss me?
I would have preferred to have you there with me.
Amy
Aww.
...
Amy
Did you hold the baby?
Amy
And...how did it make you feel?
Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that wouldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying...basically just another day in the office.
You guys ever thought of getting a dining room table?
Amy
Yeah, you actually do have room for one up there.
Oh sure! I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl sat 10 seconds and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA.
No one is running anywhere. We're not getting a dining room table.
I know you don't like change, but it's not a terrible idea.
You guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?
Do you want the long answer or the short answer?
How come we never get that option?
Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system if the equation is describing its behavior in non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.
[Imitating a baby] Wah! I don't want a table!
I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.
What a sick use of science.
Hey, as long as the baby's healthy.
Amy
I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.
Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.
Yes, but when they're hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.
Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersoldier is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn't be attacked.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
