Howard Wolowitz quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Howard

Hey, Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?

Priya

Oh God, you're kidding!

[laughing] No. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista."

Leonard

[laughing at the memory] Bam! Right in the nose! Made me proud to own a PC.

Sheldon

[frustrated in trying to figure out Howard's magic trick] This deck is rigged in some fashion.

Howard

Fine. Get another deck and I'll do the trick with that [one].

Sheldon

So you're saying this is a regulation deck?

Howard

[shouting] I'm saying, believe in magic, you Muggle!

Penny

[to Howard] Y'know, I think I know how you did the card trick.

Sheldon

Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know. That's axiomatic.

Penny

C'mere. [whispers in Howard's ear]

Howard

You're right.

Penny

Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.

Howard

Hey, how'd it go?

Bernadette

You're a putz! You know what that means?

Howard

Yeah, do you?

Bernadette

Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she wanted to make sure I was okay.

Howard

And are you?

Bernadette

No, because I'm engaged to a putz. You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack.

Howard

Well, based on the available evidence...

Bernadette

Shut up! She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.

Howard

[as Bernadette walks away] Where are you going?

Bernadette

[like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you?!

Howard

[to Leonard and Raj after she leaves] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?

Howard

Hey, what's up?

Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?

Howard

No mom, it's Raj!

He's a doctor too, right?

Howard

Yes.

Like Leonard and that skinny weirdo?

Yes, everyone is a doctor but me.

And whose fault is that?

Sheldon

[in response to Howard offering to go for Jamba Juice] No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. [pulls down paintball visor] And that's what we're going to be.

Leonard

What are you doing?

Sheldon

Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo. [walks out for hideout and bares himself, with arms wide open] Geology isn't a real science!!

Howard

DAMN THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!!

Sheldon

[getting up] If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. [gets hit by another paintball] Ow!

Sheldon

I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion. [resumes eating]

Leonard

[long pause] Could you tell us?

Sheldon

Let's see…[rolls dice] Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.

Penny

[points to dice] Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.

Sheldon

…Okay, get this. [Penny and Leonard exchange looks of annoyance] It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.

Penny

What do you mean "vastly wealthy"?

Sheldon

Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more…I'm not sure what's tripping you up.

Leonard

Oh, I know they have money. I don't think it's that much.

Sheldon

No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a Notary Public. From time to time, I notarized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They are Richie Rich rich.

Penny

Well, so how much is that?

Sheldon

About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck. ($18.5 billion)

Howard

[outraged] What the hell! The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro!

Leonard

Listen guys I don't meant to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.

Penny

Raj is naïve. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women. [Howard gets distracted by two women at the reception desk behind them] and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy you lots of expensive things and I…[realizes that Howard hasn't been translating] Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.

Howard

Right. [signing] Are you a gold digger or not?

Howard

[translating hastily] Oh, uh, something, something. Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself.

Sheldon

[frustrated with everyone about his mother not doing what he wants, after they volunteer to take her to go around Hollywood] What do I say? I say you need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with your [Leonard's] sushi, your [Raj's] sadness, and your [Penny's] slutty shirts. Stop it! [leaves to go to his room]

Howard

[to Raj] He's talking about her shirt. Your shirt is fine!

Howard

I thought he would faint.

I thought he would pee himself.

Leonard

Looks like everyone's a winner!

Howard

It's natural for Sheldon to be cranky when he has... [Howard reaches behind Sheldon and produces a quarter] a quarter in your ear!

Sheldon

Coins lodged in body-parts is not amusing. When I was young, Billy Sparks forced a Mexican Peso up my nose.

Howard

How is that not amusing?

Sheldon

It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.

Howard

Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!

Leonard

Next time you should open with that.

Hey, wanna spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?

Leonard

Uh, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise.

Howard

You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.

Leonard

Good point. I'm in!

Anybody else? Huh? No? Okay! It all comes down to me, as the best man. [Stands up] Ooo, this grasshopper's kicking my ass-hopper. Okay okay, when I first came to this country, I, I didn't know how to behave, or how to dress, or what was school, I was pretty lonely. But, then I met Howard and suddenly my life changed, because, we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world!

Yeah, nice speech Francine! [Tucks some cash into his pants]

I'm not done but, thank you! I think back, to all the good times we had, like uh, when we went camping, and spent that night telling each other all our secrets.... I told him, I'm addicted to pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. [Everybody laughs]

Howard

She was my second cousin.

Sheldon

And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Bada-bazinga!

Oh, oh yeah, and then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and, and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish, and that she wanted his little Kosher pickle. [Everybody laughs again] Of all the Howard-humping-hooker stories, that was my favorite!

Howard

Okay, buddy! That's it. Sit down.

Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?

Howard

Don't remember. Please sit down.

The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life. And I'm proud to say it was with this man, right here! '[Everybody laughs]

Howard

Please, shut up.

Oh, oh, don't get me wrong. Nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about, 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!

Wil Wheaton

Oh Internet, this is SO going all over you!.

Sheldon

[Laughs] Jeepers, I'm drunk! [Clinks his glass with Wheaton's]

Howard

Well, that's it. My orders have been rescinded. I am officially no-go to space.

Leonard

I'm sorry, Howard. But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved you're not going.

Howard

Why?

Leonard

Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960s by the Russians.

Howard

Yeah, so?

Leonard

When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-Ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia"?

[in Russian] Mission Control, say again, how fast is it leaking?

Howard

Leaking? What's leaking?

Fuel. Shh.

[in Russian] Not bad. We feel okay to go.

[in Russian] Okay, thanks Mission Control.

Howard

There's fuel leaking and we're still going to go?

Don't lose your Froot Loops, Froot Loops.

This happens a lot. Nine times out of ten, no problem.

Howard

What happens on the tenth time?

Problem.