Howard Wolowitz quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.

LOUDER!

Bernadette

They all got ordained! They're all going to marry us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!

Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills… my heart… it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.

Penny

All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.

Leonard

Hmm.

Penny

Problem?

Leonard

No.

Sheldon

I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.

Penny

Oh, grow up.

Leonard

I didn't say it.

Amy

That's enough from the both of you!

Penny

Well, he started it.

Amy

Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

Leonard

Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.

Sheldon

Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.

Bernadette

Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!

Sheldon

Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.

I believe you two have prepared vows.

Bernadette

Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.

Howard

Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.

SPEAK UP.

Howard

From now on she's the only one that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.

By the power invested in us by the state of California...

Sheldon

..and the Klingon High Council...

..we now pronounce you husband and wife.

Bernadette

I love that man.

Me, too.

Penny

I can't believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.

Leonard

This is it.

Sheldon

Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.

Howard

[from inside the rocket as it lifts off] Oy vay!

[To Howard] He called you "Fruit Loops". Because of your very gay hair cut?

Howard

No. It's because I live with my mother, and she makes me Fruit Loops.

Go with gay story. People are more accepting of it.

Stuart

[Enters] Oh! hey, man, welcome back!

Howard

Oh, Stuart, thanks! What are you doing here?

Stuart

Well... I kind of live here now.

Just until he gets back on his feet... which are looking good in those boots I bought him for my birthday!

Stuart

Ah, he's spoiling me and I love it.

Howard

Wow, so you guys are like buds now?

Stuart

Oh, yeah, we hang out all the time. Plus, he doesn't have a girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend...

It's like we have these holes in our lives, but now we fill each other's holes.

Penny

Alright, standard State Fair pie eating contest rules are no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.

Amy

On the count of 3. 1... 2...

Sheldon

Wait. I'm a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.

Leonard

So?

Sheldon

So with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?

Leonard

Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either stick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face!

Sheldon

That's rude.

Amy

1... 2... 3... EAT! [all four dive in face first then Howard arrives]

Howard

Hey guys, guess who's back from space!

NOT NOW! [Howard leaves]

Sheldon

Oh! Ow! Blueberry in my nose! Blueberry in my nose!

Leonard

Snort it down and keep eating!

Howard

Two weeks ago I was an astronaut.

Bernadette

Well, today you're a Smurf! Keep walking!

Howard

I remember when I was five, hiding under this desk with all my Halloween candy. Had some Peanut M&M’S, went into my first anaphylactic shock and had to be rushed to the hospital. Came home, celebrated with a Snickers, went into my second anaphylactic shock.

When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?

Howard

Sometime around the third Almond Joy.

Howard

[talking about his new car] It's parked in 294.

Sheldon

I'm sorry, 294 is my parking spot.

You don't even drive.

Leonard

Maybe they reassigned it because you don't use it.

Sheldon

I don't use my nipples either, maybe they should reassign those.

Howard

Sir, I’m flattered that you invited me, and I really want you to like me, but I don’t think this trip is the way to do it. And I can’t return these things if there’s chunks of duck all over them.

So, why’d you agree to come?

Howard

‘Cause Bernadette made me.

I tried to back out, too. My wife said I had to go.

Howard

Really? Your wife makes you do stuff? You’re a big, scary cop.

You’re an astronaut, and your wife makes you do things, and she’s only four feet tall.

Howard

So, what do we do now? They expect us to go away for the weekend.

Ah. There’s an Indian casino near Palm Springs. You know how to shoot craps?

Howard

No, but I’m not a stranger to dice games. I was the Temple Beth-El Hebrew School Yahtzee champion.

Mazel tov. I’ll teach you how to play.

Howard

Really? Thank you, sir.

Call me Mike.

Howard

Okay. Oh, boy, we’re just married to a couple of ball-busters, huh, Mike?

That’s my wife and daughter you’re talking about.

Howard

Great couple of gals.

I wouldn't go that far.

Sheldon

But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.

Howard

Wait, what are you doing?

Sheldon

You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn't that right?

Leonard

Uh, okay.

Sheldon

My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.

Leonard

This is weird, right?

Sheldon

Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn't bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain't one of ‘em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!

Leonard

Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

Howard

What are you guys doing here?

Leonard

When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad’s letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.

Howard

Oh yeah, what’s that?

Sheldon

It’s simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.

Penny

We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.

Sheldon

Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.

Penny

Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it.

Bernadette

Sit down, honey.

Sheldon

Raj, you’re up.

Okay. It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Farsides’ card, the one where the frog has his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.

Leonard

Sheldon.

Sheldon

It was a map, leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.

Howard

Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.

Amy

Told you.

Sheldon

Don’t.

Leonard

Amy.

Amy

You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.

Howard

Really?

Sheldon

Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.

Leonard

Penny.

Penny

It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.

Sheldon

I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.

Amy

No it’s not.

Sheldon

Don’t.

Leonard

OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.

Howard

Hm.

Leonard

Bernadette.

Bernadette

Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift. [Howard gets up and walks away]. You okay?

Howard

Yeah. I’m terrific.

Sheldon

So? Which one do you think it is, matey?

Howard

Actually I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.

Leonard

Well, one of them is.

Howard

That is pretty cool. Thank you guys.

I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.

Howard

Oh, I love those. I did them every year there.

Leonard

We did them at Princeton too.

Howard

Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.

Sheldon

Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.

Amy

Scavenger hunts at Harvard were really tough. I’d always get stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me. [Laughs] I guess that story’s more sad than funny.

Bernadette

I may have overreacted

Howard

Well, yeah, well. I didn’t handle it so great either.

Bernadette

Just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me.

Howard

That’s not true.

Bernadette

It’s not? You spend all day together at work and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week you two got a couple’s massage. You said you wouldn’t want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings.

Howard

Oh wow, yeah, I get that. I’m so sorry. Starting tomorrow I am turning over a new leaf. Being with you is my number one priority.

Howard

[singing to quarantined Bernadette, the other five backing him up]

And he'd probably still live with his mom.

Howard

Ever since I met you, you turned my world around.

Bernadette

[choked up] Oh, Howie!

Howard

If I didn't have you,

And he'd definitely still live with his mom.

Howard

Ever since I met you, you turned my world around.

Oh, we couldn't have imagined how good our lives would get,

Sheldon

Howard, which pocket watch will you be wearing at dinner on the train?

Howard

I'm sorry, what?

Sheldon

Oh, I'm afraid if we wear the same pocket watch, it will be embarrassing.

Howard

I don't own a pocket watch.

Sheldon

Oh, my.