So, when you say you’re not going to freak out about the DVD, here’s what that means. Don’t fixate on it. Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I’m on the toilet.
SheldonOkay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.
When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear?
Sheldon
You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.
Well, I don’t know how to do that.
Sheldon
How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.
Sheldon
You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way.
I’m telling you, try the hanger.
Sheldon
Put it on. Let’s share the experience.
You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD.
Sheldon
Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.
Sheldon
How those nipples feeling, chief?
Sheldon you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Yeah. Back when I was dating Zack. Actually it was more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
What? You went to a chapel?
We had one those silly fake weddings.
Penny, you know those are real. Right?
No, they’re not. [Laughing it off]
[Looking worried] No, they’re not.
Sheldon
He's right.
[quietly] It didn’t seem real.
You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still lived across from him.
And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
[Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters.]
Sheldon
Hello.
Sheldon
Of course I’m doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I’m in a laundry room, so… I believe your inference is justified.
Oh my inference is justified. Sheldon you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who is wearing them.
[Listening to the story.] OK, that’s enough.
[pointing to her bra] So what do you think?
Sheldon
A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Please Sheldon, I need you.
Sheldon
To what?
Sheldon
I’m not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Come on, Sheldon. You and me right here.
Sheldon
Penny for the thousandth time. I’m saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
I think I know how to change your mind.
[Sheldon walks up the stairs with a joyful Amy talking about his newborn nephew]
Sheldon
I would have preferred to have you there with me.
Sheldon
Or instead of me.
...
Sheldon
I did.
And...how did it make you feel?
Sheldon
Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that wouldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying...basically just another day in the office.
[on the phone] Yes, how much for a hundred long stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?
Look I know you we’re trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn't mean to call it idiotic.
Well, I don’t think you called it idiotic.
Oh. Sorry. I meant to. Anyway. Um. I was just upset with myself. I wasn't mad at you. I feel like everything is falling apart.
No it’s not okay. Look at me. Okay. I took a temp job as a waitress like forever ago and I’m still doing it. And I can’t quit because guess what I can’t do anything else. And I finally get my big break. And it goes away. I’m such a mess.
Really? ‘Cause this morning at Starbucks a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn't the only one in there.
Okay, listen to me; this is just a minor setback.
No it’s not. I've been out here for like ten years and have nothing to show for it.
You’re right. I do have you. Hmm. Let’s get married.
Ohh. [kneeling] Leonard Hofstadter. Will you marry me?
Did you seriously just say, “Umm?”
Look you know I love you, but you’re…you’re drunk and sad and feeling lost…
Okay. So-so, you don’t want to marry me?
No, forget it. I take it back, the offer’s off the table.
Sheldon
[entering] Who is in the mood to laugh?
Sheldon
But I used science to construct the perfect joke.
No, no. I just need to be alone.
Yes. I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I’m wrong, maybe we should talk about the kind of relationship we are in.
Sheldon
I’m willing if you guys are.
Can we please have some privacy?
Sheldon
No, I’m as much a part of this relationship as you two. I think that it is high time that we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?
Sheldon
Penny?
Okay, wait? What are we doing?
For some reason, we’re planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.
You guys ever thought of getting a dining room table?
Yeah, you actually do have room for one up there.
Oh sure! I sit on the floor for years, no one cares. The pretty white girl sat 10 seconds and suddenly we’re all running to IKEA.
Sheldon
No one is running anywhere. We're not getting a dining room table.
I know you don't like change, but it's not a terrible idea.
You guys never use that space up there. Why not get a table?
Sheldon
Do you want the long answer or the short answer?
How come we never get that option?
Sheldon
Chaos theory suggests that even in a deterministic system if the equation is describing its behavior in non-linear, a tiny change in the initial conditions can lead to a cataclysmic and unpredictable result.
[Imitating a baby] Wah! I don't want a table!
It's a sequel of that awful killer gorilla movie I was in.
Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that.
Sheldon
She does. 42 minutes in.
While showering topless, 16 minutes after brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.
Sheldon
I have an eidetic memory. I don't know what his problem is.
Sheldon
We were making fun of failed careers. We didn't get to tap the juicy vein that is Howard's.
Hey, I work at the same university you do!
Sheldon
Yes, and Hawkeye's in the Avengers, but no one ever says "Help, Hawkeye!"
We can't show up to your mom's empty-handed. We should bring something.
Sheldon
I already am. I'm bringing the gift of knowledge.
Sheldon
Despite what her bible says, recent archaeological studies indicate that although camels are referenced in the Old Testament, they didn't exist in the Middle East until hundreds of years later.
I was gonna say we'd pick up a cake or a pie, but an insult to her faith is always thoughtful.
Sheldon
Why do we have a geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children's party while I was in Texas?
Wait, what's wrong with geology?
Sheldon
Let me put this in a way you'll understand Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren't real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
