Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Penny

[running to a psychic's booth] I think I see our next stop!

Sheldon

You can't be serious. If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I’d follow Leonard on Instagram.

Sheldon

Okay, here we go. Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Let's get this over with.

Howard

Since we all agree episode I isn't our favourite, maybe we just skip it this time?

Sheldon

Yeah Howard, I think you of all people should avoid espousing the principle that if something is not our favorite, we should just get rid of it.

Sheldon

You've come to me because you're my Obi-Wan.

Arthur

I'm not familiar with that. Is that an Internet?

Sheldon

Wow. You're dead, so I'm gonna let that slide.

Penny

You taught him well, Padawan.

Sheldon

Good lord. Padawan's the student, not the teacher.

Sheldon

Sherlock Holmes always says when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Now, have-have you tried doing that?

Nope.

Sheldon

Well, maybe you should. Th-th-there's lots of books called "Sherlock Holmes" and there's no books called "Officer Hernandez."

Penny

HEY! Look who's back!

Sheldon

Your hair is different. You changed your hair? I can't take this, I'm out.

Sheldon

I recently read that during World War Two, Joseph Stalin had a research program to create supersoldiers by having women impregnated by gorillas.

Howard

What a sick use of science.

Hey, as long as the baby's healthy.

Amy

I wonder if Stalin considered any other animals.

Leonard

Hippos are the deadliest creature. A half-human, half-hippo soldier would be pretty badass.

Howard

Yes, but when they're hungry-hungry, you can stop them with marbles.

Sheldon

Yeah, the correct animal for interspecies supersoldier is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute it couldn't be attacked.

Sheldon

Did you enjoy my lecture?

Amy

No, and neither did our waiter.

Sheldon

Well, if you're going to serve Cornish game hen you should either be familiar with the history of Cornwall or be prepared to learn it.

Amy

It's hard to argue with that. And I know because I saw a sad man with a pepper mill desperately try and fail.

Penny

Hey, how was dinner?

Sheldon

Good, I had Cornish game hen.

Leonard

Oh, that poor waiter.

Penny

Hey, I hear you're a dermatologist.

Yeah, I'm a resident at Huntington Hospital.

Sheldon

Oh, I like their emergency room. Even if it turns out you don't have Dengue fever, they still let you take a lollipop.

Howard

All I know is he's getting my mother buying 4-ply toilet paper. 4-ply! If his butt is so delicate, why doesn't he just use an Angora rabbit?

Sheldon

For starters, they shed and bite.

Leonard

Maybe we have lost our focus.

Howard

It wouldn't kill us to get together and brainstorm ideas.

Oooh... We could have one of those retreats.

Leonard

Like our own science retreat.

Howard

My cousin has a cabin out in the woods.

Sheldon

I'm not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?

Leonard

Then we'll go to a hotel.

Sheldon

A hotel? Did you see The Shining?

We could go up to Big Bend, get a house on the lake.

Sheldon

Did you see The Lake House?

Nothing bad happens in The Lake House.

Sheldon

Well no, not to them, to me! Time-traveling mail box. The only time that traveled was an hour and a half of my life down the toilet.

Leonard

Fine, then we'll just stay here and do it.

Sheldon

Well you didn't suggest a beach house.

Leonard

You would go to a beach house?

Sheldon

Good Lord no! Have you seen Jaws?

Sheldon

Is "Placed" right?

Leonard

What do you mean?

Sheldon

Is "Placed" the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?

Leonard

"Had will have placed" ?

Sheldon

That's my boy.

Sheldon

Are they making fun of us?

Yep.

Sheldon

I miss the old days when I didn’t know.

Hey, Sheldon, you busy?

Sheldon

I'm always busy. This mind is capable of advanced multitasking. You know, currently, I'm attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture, I'm composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I've solved the Penrose conjecture, and I'm wondering how mermaids have babies.

Don't they lay eggs on a rock?

Sheldon

Now I've got room for another thing.

Sheldon

Leonard! Where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset! We should invite him in for a hot beverage.

Leonard

He tried to score with Penny.

Sheldon

[points at Howard and Raj] So have these two and they're having dinner with us.