Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Amy

I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?

Penny

Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.

Amy

Mortal enemy? Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy?

Sheldon

In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?

Sheldon

You've already signed something for me, Brent Spiner--your name on my list. From this moment on you are my mortal enemy!

Wil Wheaton

Don't worry, it doesn't take up a whole lotta your time.

Sheldon

[frustrated with everyone about his mother not doing what he wants, after they volunteer to take her to go around Hollywood] What do I say? I say you need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with your [Leonard's] sushi, your [Raj's] sadness, and your [Penny's] slutty shirts. Stop it! [leaves to go to his room]

Howard

[to Raj] He's talking about her shirt. Your shirt is fine!

Sheldon

I got a splinter.

Amy

What do you want me to do about it?

Sheldon

Relationship agreement - Section 4: Boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it.

Amy

I should've gotten a lawyer.

Amy

Sheldon, what are you doing here?

Sheldon

The thought of you sitting in a darkened theatre with a character like Stuart is repellant. No offense Stuart!

Stuart

None taken. Though, repellant, is kind of, kind of a strong word.

Amy

Um... sorry this causes you discomfort but based on the currently established parameters of our relationship, I can put myself in any repellant situation I want.

Stuart

Um...again...

Sheldon

Stuart please, you're being rude.

Amy

Anything else?

Sheldon

I believe, I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.

Amy

I'm listening.

Sheldon

With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise. I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.

Amy

Interesting... Now try it without the quadruple negative.

Sheldon

You're being impossible!

Amy

Hi, Stuart.

Sheldon

Fine! Amy, will you be my girlfriend?

Amy

Yes!

Sheldon

Alright, that's enough about it. Sorry to interrupt. You two enjoy your date!

Sheldon

Congratulations, the Newcomb Medal...Oh, please. That's a scientific equivalent of a smiley face sticker on your homework.

Hey! I won a Newcomb Medal, too.

Sheldon

My point.

Amy

Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparent manip...[pulls out of the bag...] Ohhhhhh, it's a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! [Rushes to Penny] Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me.

Penny

[placing it on Amy's head] You look beautiful!

Amy

OF COURSE I DO! I'M A PRINCESS AND THIS IS MY TIARA!

Sheldon

[to Penny] You're right, the tiara was too much.

Howard

It's natural for Sheldon to be cranky when he has... [Howard reaches behind Sheldon and produces a quarter] a quarter in your ear!

Sheldon

Coins lodged in body-parts is not amusing. When I was young, Billy Sparks forced a Mexican Peso up my nose.

Howard

How is that not amusing?

Sheldon

It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.

Howard

Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!

Leonard

Next time you should open with that.

Amy

Hang on, Doctor C. What's vexillology?

Sheldon

Vexillology is the study of flags.

Amy

Cool. I think I just learned something!

Sheldon

Did you have fun doing it?

Amy

I'll say!

Sheldon

[playing Bavarian music while dressed in lederhosen; alongside Amy, who is in a pretzel costume. Speaking directly to the camera] Guten tag, das Youtube! Ich bein ein Bavarian.

Amy Farrah Fowler

Und ich bein ein a pretzel.

Sheldon

Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun-

Amy

-With-

Sheldon

-Flags.

Sheldon

Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209? Clause 209 suspends our friendship.

Leonard

Where do I sign?

Sheldon

Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?

Leonard

If it means I can go home, yes.

Sheldon

Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips the functions of our Roommate Agreement to its bare essentials: financial duties, transportation, and a chin jut of recognition as we pass each other. [demonstrates] 'Sup?

Leonard

Where do I sign?

Amy

Are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?

Sheldon

No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence... Does the locus coeruleus usually bleed that much?

Amy

No, but your thumb does.

Sheldon

Oh dear! [faints]

Amy

Yeah, YOU'RE a biologist.

Leonard

Alright, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins. Any questions? [Sheldon raises his hand] Yes, Sheldon?

Sheldon

Five what?

Penny

[sitting on Sheldon's spot, starts to move when she sees him] Hey, sorry Sheldon, I'll move.

Sheldon

[does not seem bothered by Penny] Why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?

Penny

Okay, what just happened?

Leonard

I don't know... Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer, and Sheldon being okay with you sitting in his spot... I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.