SheldonWhat's going on?
Oh, Howard's gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.
Sheldon
Did you offer him a hot beverage?
Sheldon
Leonard, social protocol states: when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage such as tea.
Sheldon
You heard the man, Leonard. [snaps his fingers and gestures to the kitchen]
[Leonard starts to walk to the kitchen]
Sheldon
And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa.
Sheldon
Where are you going?
I'm having dinner with Priya at Raj's. I think Howard's gonna be there; you wanna join us?
Sheldon
But tonight's Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza, or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.
Can we make a one time exception for tonight.
Sheldon
We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.
Just come with me to Raj's.
Sheldon
I don't want to go to a party.
It's not a party; it's the same group of people who hang out here hanging out over there.
Sheldon
I'm sorry, but 5 people eating and chatting is a party.
How come it's not a party when we do it over here?
Sheldon
Because we don't throw parties.
Sheldon
[frustrated in trying to figure out Howard's magic trick] This deck is rigged in some fashion.
Fine. Get another deck and I'll do the trick with that [one].
Sheldon
So you're saying this is a regulation deck?
[shouting] I'm saying, believe in magic, you Muggle!
[to Howard] Y'know, I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon
Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know. That's axiomatic.
C'mere. [whispers in Howard's ear]
Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.
[Sheldon has joined Penny, Bernadette and Amy Farrah Fowler on their girls night out at a bar]
Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?
Sheldon
Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X's and O's.
That doesn't count! Aren't you even a little curious?
Yeah, you're a scientist, where is the curiosity?
I'm available for experimentation [turns towards Sheldon and puckers up]
Sheldon
Thank you, but not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles
Oh blah blah blah. Give me some sugar, bestie. [turns to Penny and kisses her, all three girls start giggling]
Sheldon
I'm certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.
Sheldon
Oh, good. You're up. I've written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I'd like you to sign it.
Why would I want to do that?
Sheldon
Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?
Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?
Sheldon
Affirmative. [Turns to laptop] Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. [laptop beeps in response] Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.
VFVoice from laptop
Self-destruct sequence activated.
[Sheldon turns the laptop toward Leonard and Priya, showing a timer counting down from one minute]
What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?
Sheldon
That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.
So what happens when it counts down?
Sheldon
Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next…[checks timer] 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you're in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-Marshmallow-Fluff Leonard Hofstadter.
Trust me, it's a big deal.
They're gonna find out about me eventually, right?
Yeah, of course, just not today.
Sheldon
20 seconds.
Then why can't we just tell your parents?
Sheldon
He does that all the time, doesn't he? 15.
Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.
Sheldon
I never bluff. 10.
Sheldon
9.
Sheldon
8.
[unhooking the laptop] This is ridiculous.
Sheldon
It's a laptop with a full charge. [to Priya] Honestly, what do you see in him?
Okay, give him what he wants or we're done.
Sheldon
3.
Sheldon
2.
[Sheldon hits a key and places a pen on the agreement]
VFVoice from laptop
Self-destruct sequence aborted.
Sheldon
[to Priya as he stands up and leaves] You may have gone to Cambridge, but I'm an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.
Sheldon
I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.
It's indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.
Sheldon
Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite.
Sheldon
[in response to Howard offering to go for Jamba Juice] No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. [pulls down paintball visor] And that's what we're going to be.
Sheldon
Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo. [walks out for hideout and bares himself, with arms wide open] Geology isn't a real science!!
[Sheldon is then shot down in slow-motion by the rival paintball team, and collapses]
DAMN THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!!
[all other members charge out, and shoot down the rival teams]
Sheldon
[getting up] If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. [gets hit by another paintball] Ow!
[Sheldon and Amy are talking in her apartment]
Sheldon
I was hoping she [Penny] might listen to you about the dangers of owning unhygienic furniture.
For general educational purposes or has she acquired a bar stool dipped in cholera?
Sheldon
Cholera is water-borne, you're mocking me.
Sheldon
Penny has dragged a chair in off the street whose unknown provenance jeopardizes the health and welfare of every resident of our building.
Sheldon, just because you have a focus on cleanliness bordering on the psychotic doesn't mean I have to participate.
Sheldon
All right. Name your price.
[thinks] Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.
Sheldon
…You mean like Salt Lake City?
Sheldon
Thank you for letting me stay here while Leonard skypes with his girlfriend.
Oh, it's no problem. It's actually kind of funny: You reading, me reading, we're like an old married couple.
Sheldon
If we were an old, married couple the wife would serve iced tea and snicker-doodles.
I don't have iced tea and snicker-doodles.
Sheldon
A good wife would go to the store.
Sheldon
Good, on your way to see the lawyer pick some tea and cookies.
[sarcastically, to Sheldon] You sound like you had a great night.
Sheldon
I did. How was yours?
Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon
[confused] What exactly do you mean by that?
Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time…Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
[Short pause, and then Sheldon hits Leonard with his model train]
Sheldon
To send you a message. She is not for you.
Sheldon
Not for you!
[The group is discussing Raj's new girlfriend possibly taking advantage of him]
Sheldon
I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion. [resumes eating]
[long pause] Could you tell us?
Sheldon
Let's see…[rolls dice] Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
[points to dice] Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.
[Sheldon does so]
Sheldon
…Okay, get this. [Penny and Leonard exchange looks of annoyance] It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.
What do you mean "vastly wealthy"?
Sheldon
Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more…I'm not sure what's tripping you up.
Oh, I know they have money. I don't think it's that much.
Sheldon
No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a Notary Public. From time to time, I notarized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They are Richie Rich rich.
Well, so how much is that?
Sheldon
About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck. ($18.5 billion)
[The others look shocked]
[outraged] What the hell! The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro!
Listen guys I don't meant to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
