Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

If only there was a way to force Howard to accept my apology to escape this miasma of guilt!

Penny

You know, sometimes stuff just happens and there's nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since the 11th grade because no matter how much you apologize, you can't go back and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend.

Sheldon

Whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this

Howard

You're giving me a couch cushion?

Sheldon

No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.

Howard

[aghast] But... you love that spot!

Sheldon

No, I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe... And now it's yours.

[crying] Oh my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.

Penny

[While watching Raiders of the Lost Ark] You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.

Sheldon

That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's Thriller video, which I've never watched in its entirety as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. Also it's really scary.

Leonard

Can somebody please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?

Sheldon

There's no switch, just listen and learn.

Leonard

You'll never guess what just happened!

Sheldon

You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?

Leonard

No.

Sheldon

[Genuinely dissappointed] Aw.

Leonard

Penny kissed me.

Sheldon

Well, who would ever guess that?

Amy

Penny's friend, Zack, stopped by and said "hello" and I said "hoo!"

Sheldon

Hoo?

Amy

Zack.

Sheldon

Then why did you ask?

Amy

Ask what?

Sheldon

Who?

Amy

Zack.

Sheldon

Alright, let's start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?

Amy

Hoo!

Sheldon

Zack.

Amy

Why do you keep saying 'Zack'?

Sheldon

Because you keep saying 'Who'.

Amy

I'm not saying 'hoo' now. I said 'hoo' last night.

Sheldon

And the answer was Zack, correct?

Amy

There was no question; I simply said "Hoo!"

Sheldon

[short pause] All right. I think I have enough to go on.

Water demon.

Howard

Ice dragon.

Leonard

[victorious tone of voice] Lesser Warlord of Ka'ah!

Sheldon

Not so fast! Infinite Sheldon.

Leonard

Infinite Sheldon?!

Sheldon

Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards, and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.

Leonard

Do you understand why people don't want to play with you?

Sheldon

No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.

Zack

You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel: turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.

Sheldon

Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.

Zack

No. I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show; they also said dolphins might be smarter than people.

Leonard

They might be smarter than some people. [Sheldon and Raj laugh; Penny is disgusted]

Zack

[oblivious] Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.

Sheldon

That's easy enough. We'd need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-size treats you find tasty.

Sheldon

[dressed as The Flash, rapidly knocking] Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny-- [Penny finally opens the door]

Penny

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Sheldon

I'm The Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.

Stuart

And the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America number 3!

Sheldon

Thank you! Thank you so much!

Stuart

Okay. Okay, 10 seconds to midnight.

10, 9, 8…

Sheldon

No, wait! I have a speech.

7, 6…

Sheldon

Stop counting!

5, 4, 3…

Sheldon

This is my moment, dag nab it!

2, 1! Happy New Year!

Sheldon

I’m not going to say another word until you people settle down. I’m waiting.

Sheldon

All right, I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.

Leonard

What the hell are bus pants?

Sheldon

They are pants one wears over one's regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But, perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you've lost touch with the struggles of the common man.

Leonard

Look, I'm still happy to drive you to work. Nothing's changed in that regard; we're still roommates, we're still friends.

Sheldon

Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. A desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex!

Leonard

You know what? Go put on your bus pants.

Penny

Hey, you guys ready to order?

Sheldon

Since we come in every Tuesday night at 6:00 and order the same exact thing, and it's now…[checks his watch] 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who Let the Dogs Out?" and, uh…"How are they hanging?"

Penny

[writing] Okay, so the usual with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger.

Penny

[about going with the others to a science conference including a spa treatment] Boy, this is great. I haven't had a vacation in ages!

Sheldon

In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.

Penny

You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat". [leaves]

Amy

That does seem to be a valid principle.

Sheldon

[waves her off] I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Worker's Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.

Amy

I don't believe there's any such thing.

Sheldon

[to Leonard] You lied to me?

Sheldon

[looking at Tweets about his lecture on Raj's laptop] I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN".

Leonard

Uh, from the context, we think it means "Kill Me Now".

Sheldon

[unsettled] Well…s'pose everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I think I'll turn in.

Sheldon

[very quickly, looking back at his friends] I didn't want to teach those poopyheads, anyway! [leaves]

Howard

[short pause] FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.

Here's what I wonder about zombies. [The others groan] What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.

Howard

[To Leonard] You take this one. I spent an hour last night on do how vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror.

Sheldon

Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other: Case Closed!

Yeah, OK, so zombies?

Leonard

I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj, are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in 28 Days if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.

Howard

You're thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is when Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.

Amy

And consider this: without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.

Sheldon

Are you trying to scare me? 'Cause you're succeeding!

Amy

Well, then, prepare to be terrified; if your friends are unconvincing, this year's donation might go to, say, the geology department.

Sheldon

Oh, dear, n- not the dirt people!

Amy

Or worse, it could go to... [leans in dramatically] the liberal arts.

Sheldon

No.

Amy

[nods] Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.

Sheldon

Oh, the humanities!