The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

[angrily] You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough shit to work with?!

[robotic voice] Affirmative.

The Nerd

"Affirmative," your ass! Let's play.

The Nerd

[on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession] Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.

Pat the NES Punk

The "Nerd seal of approval"? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?

The Nerd

No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.

The Nerd

[trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart] The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!

Pat the NES Punk

Yeah! Elmer's glue!

The Nerd

Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. [imitates goat bleating]

Pat the NES Punk

[while getting ready to play NWC] Where's your Nintendo?

The Nerd

Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.

Pat the NES Punk

The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!

The Nerd

[while playing the Rad Racer portion of NWC] Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!

Pat the NES Punk

Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn't be a racer as rad as this.

The Nerd

Alright, So I finished Rad Racer. Now I'm up to Tetris?

Pat the NES Punk

Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. W-Wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry Nintendo Nerd to the Video Game Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!

The Nerd

I know a lot of people who own Tetris. And they actually have the whole game!

Pat the NES Punk

That's it, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it. [takes the NES controller from The Nerd] Thank you very much. [gets 50 coins on Super Mario Bros.] Okay, I just beat you on Super Mario Bros. Now, it's Rad Racer time.

The Nerd

Look at that. Well, you got two more games!

Pat the NES Punk

Yeah, I know I do. I can count!

The Nerd

Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So, what's the point? Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?

Pat the NES Punk

What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! [car in "Rad Racer" crashes] Oh-- ah! Tetris is next. I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!

The Nerd

No, I'm serious. This game is a piece of shit.

Pat the NES Punk

Come on, Pat. Come on. Yeah! Triple-Line score! [pants] Double-Line score! I'm gonna win. [The Nerd gets the hammer from the drawer] The games are mine!

The Nerd

Nintendo World Championships is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!

Pat the NES Punk

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! [The Nerd whacks the two cartridges as he grunts angrily and smashes them into pieces as Pat looks at the broken pieces of NWC cartridges then The Nerd removes the reproduction cartridge.]

The Nerd

Here you go. You can have this one. [Pat the NES Punk takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat the NES Punk then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.] Oh, man. [laughs then gets attacked by Pat the NES Punk]

The Nerd

Happy Halloween. And guess what I have here? I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago, and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper. It's a petition to review Ghosts 'n Goblins. Yeah, he went through the line and got everybody to sign it. Now, what's there to say about Ghosts 'n Goblins? Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood. I remember my first time playing it: I got it for my birthday, the same day I got my NES.

You wanna play Ghosts 'n Goblins?

Yeah, I do!

Look!

I do!

The Nerd

Of course I had the Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt combo cartridge, but the first game I attempted was Ghosts 'n Goblins. That's right, this is the first NES game I ever played. And that's one Fuck of a game to start with.

Go on, shoot 'em, shoot 'em!

I don't know how!

The Nerd

Naturally, I got my ass kicked. This is what it would've looked like my first time playin' the game. I sucked balls. This new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to. In the 80's, these were the kind of brutal-ass games that kicked us into shape and heightened our senses. Made us into fuckin' tigers. And now, 25 years later, I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test, and see if I can finally beat this fucker. Because, it's Halloween. There's no excuse. I can feel in the air. The time is right to play some Ghosts 'n Goblins.

The Nerd

Who are these "time rebels," and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination. [a thought bubble with the time rebels appear]

Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt? [chuckles]

How about Galileo in the Jurassic period? [they both chuckle] We're assholes.

The Nerd

Now check this out: Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh, boy... (The Nerd tries to open it) Wait, I can't get it open. Good. God, I hate this shit! You know... You know what's bullshit?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUUUUUULLSHIT?! [gives the Nerd a pair of scissors] Packaging that you need scissors to open! Even with the scissors, it's still a pain in the ass. Why's this plastic so fucking strong? This stuff is bulletproof. Nobody wants this shit, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This kind of packaging should be outlawed! Why does it still exist? I especially "love" when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What fucking idiots think this is a good idea? They don't care. By the time you're having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit. [leaves]

The Nerd

Thanks, Bullshit Man. [looks at the Tiger wrist game and sighs]

The Nerd

[playing the Batman Returns wrist game] Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school with this thing on, and everybody else is talking about what the new hot video game system is going to be. [scoffs] Nintendo 64? The Bit Wars? [chuckles] 64 bits. 32 bits. 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 bits! 2 bits! 1 BIT! HALF-BIT! QUARTER-BIT! [shouts hysterically] THE WRIST GAME!!! And you thought that was it for Tiger, huh? Handheld games, wrist games, Tiger (computerized voice) Pokémon Walkie Talkies?! Yeah! That's not enough? Well, how about a whole fucking Tiger game console?! In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy. You'd think it was called the Game-Dot-Com, but it's actually the Game.com.

GAME.COM ACTIVE.

The Nerd

The Three Stooges. This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. [powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II] What? Ghostbusters II?

Hey, fellas. We're in the wrong game.

Hey, this looks like a kid's game.

The Nerd

[smiling] Now, that's funny.

You imbeciles!

The Nerd

I've always been a big fan of The Three Stooges, but the game's charm ends right after the title screen.

The Nerd

[playing Castlevania II: Simon's Quest Redaction] This game is a hack of Castlevania II by The Almighty Guru, as I said 10 years ago, the original game is full of problems.

How would you ever figure out that you're supposed to throw an oak stake at that orb?

The Nerd

One of the biggest problems in the game is how cryptic it is, and how none of the townspeople tell you anything that's useful. Instead of giving you clues like any other kind of adventure or RPG game, they just give you a bunch of nonsensical riddles. But here, in Castlevania II: Redaction, we have... real clues! Yeah! All the dialogue's been fixed, and now, it actually makes sense. I can't believe that somebody's actually been trying to fix this shitload of fuck. But what about the day-to-night transitions?

Why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay? Did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real-life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air.

The Nerd

Wow, that was fast. I wish it was that fast in the original game. I wish it didn't happen at all, but hey, that's an improvement. In general, all the text moves a lot faster. I'm really digging the clues. It even tells me stuff I never even knew, like using Dracula's nail to take out blocks. [Simon destroys a block with Dracula's nail on his flame whip] I had no idea you could do that.

He doesn't look anything like Dracula. Instead, he looks like a Grim Reaper.

The Nerd

Even Dracula's face has been changed. It's still annoying how long it takes to collect hearts to buy stuff, and also those annoying invisible platforms are still there, but all these improvements are a good start. The most annoying cryptic thing of all, is how it never tells ya how to pass through the wall.

Would you guess that you're supposed to pass through this wall? You need to have a red crystal selected, and be kneeling down, and wait a little while before this magic tornado comes and takes you to the next part of the game.

The Nerd

I've wanted to see that clue ever since I first played this. I've complained about it. Did uh... Did... my, my complaints... ring a bell? Did, did... did, uh.. Was.. w-- has the word of the Nerd been heard?! Have I contributed to how we look back at bad games? I've done it! It's not in vain! There is no retirement, the show must go on, I must continue reviewing shitty games because that's what the world needs! But where do I go from here?

The Nerd

I've had so many adventures within these four walls. I need to take the adventure outside! I need to go do something bigger! Something to top everything that I've already done! [sighs] But how do I do that?

Then take the egg from the storage matrix...

The Nerd

Yeah. When he says "Matrix.", he sounds like Galvatron.

The Nerd

[to microphone] Hello.

[sarcastically] Yeah. Hello. Whatever.

The Nerd

[to microphone] I just wanna talk.

[sarcastically] Blahh, blahh, blahh. Happy?

The Nerd

[to microphone, annoyed] Yo, fuck-face!

Let's be sure and get my name right, skin puppet. You're a pain in the fuck.

The Nerd

[to microphone, angrily] Suck my dick!

Hey, Seaman don't play that.

The Nerd

[to microphone] I'll... (What can I do?) I'll tickle you.

Are you coming on to me?

The Nerd

[to microphone] Talk, talk. Speak, speak.

Bite me.

The Nerd

Did he just take a shit? 'HE JUST FLUNG SHIT AT ME!

The Nerd

Whoa. That's deep, man. But it's bullfuck! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well, I guess I'll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to "Explosive Fighter Patton". Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out. [inserts the disk. The screen says: "TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!".]

The Nerd

[stunned] No. No way! It's an official Famicom disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s; this was before Hong Kong 97! IT'S AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED GAME ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE...THAT SAYS "FUCK"! OH, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! IT SAYS FUCK! [shouting] IT SAYS FU....

The Nerd

[continues shouting] O-oh, I forgot about Seaman! [turns Dreamcast back on]

I regret to inform you that Seaman has passed away...