The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

What? You gotta be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we both have to restart the level!

Sorry.

[singing] He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard...

The Nerd

YOU BET YOUR ASS!!!

The Nerd

Remember when everybody was talkin' about Dick Tracy? 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from "Who's Dick Tracy?" to "WHOA, Dick Tracy's the SHIT!" It was like a contemporary film noir; stylish with colorful comic book-style visuals and an all-star cast: Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, fuckin' Madonna, but it was kinda over-the-top and silly.

You dumb Dick.

The Nerd

It was all right, but its popularity was short-lived. I think it was just an excuse for the kids to say "Dick".

I guess that's the end of Dick.

Yeah. 30 seconds, no more Dick! 30 seconds, no more Dick!

Dumb Dick.

The Nerd

You know, Dick Van Dyke is in the movie. [turns to the camera] You think that's enough Dicks? [holds up the "Dick Tracy" VHS to the camera] Like, seriously, when this movie came out, I never said "Dick" so much before in my life. Every kid on the block was runnin' around sayin' "Dick Tracy", "Dick Tracy", "Dick this" and "Dick that"! My dad said, "Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?" And I was like, "You know... how is 'Dick' short for 'Richard'?" That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says "Dickard".

The Nerd

So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? 'CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKIN' SHIT! Well, I gotta do what I gotta do. [points the Zapper at the Famicom] One shall stand, one shall-- [the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.] Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who are you?

My name is Optimus Prime.

The Nerd

Well, you don't look anything like-- [Optimus blasts the Nerd with a laser] Ugh!

[using audio from The Transformers: The Movie] (You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?) I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

The Nerd

Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up!

Bugs Bunny

We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the FUCKIN' FACE!!

The Nerd

The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says Wayne's World, kids will want it.

Kids know dick.

The Nerd

Every time he gets hit, he says "NOT!"

NOT!

The Nerd

That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying "not" to? Usually, the word "not" follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to Borat.

And this suit is not black!

No, no, "not" has to be the end.

OK, OK, this suit is black not.

The Nerd

Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there is a code.

I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?

No, I did not realize that.

The Nerd

And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?

Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!

The Nerd

It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, whom you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, Son of Dracula.

Announce Count Alucard.

D-R-A-C--

What are you mumbling about?

Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.

The Nerd

Number 5, "Ooze." Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? [starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background] Oh my god, it's...it's... [the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle]

Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...

The Nerd

Whoa! Ohh-

Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-

The Nerd

Narlalalala!

Shit pickle!

The Nerd

Alrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the "B" button. For jumping! Any gamer who grew up with Super Mario Bros. expects "A" to jump.

The Nerd

It's time to go back... to the past... again. Remember when I was the Angry Nintendo Nerd, reliving the frustrating games from my youth?

ASS!!!!! FUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!

The Nerd

Well, not much as changed. But I was never really satisfied with my older videos.

The Nerd

[voiceover] I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The McKids video, for example. I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as shit, and give them some new enhancements.

The Nerd

[voiceover] In the Friday the 13th video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head.

You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--! [BANG!!! The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review]

The Nerd

[voiceover] That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason should have shot first. [same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head]

The Nerd

I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better.

[gives the Nerd the middle finger] Fuck you.

I am the devil! [laughs evilly] Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HYDE!!!!!

The Nerd

No!

[bellows] HYDE!!!!!!

The Nerd

[softer] No...!

[robotic voice] I will play, I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.

The Nerd

[intrigued] Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. [hands R.O.B. the controller]

[robotic voice] Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.

The Nerd

It's a controller. You play it.

[robotic voice] I do not have thumbs, you moron.

[robotic voice] Must have gyros.

The Nerd

[annoyed] You want a fucking gyro now? [He goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.] All right, here's your damn gyro.

[robotic voice] You idiot. That is not a gyro.

The Nerd

I know, I tried - what, do you want me to go to fuckin' Greece?