NThe Nerd
You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself.
[Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as "This is fuckin' shit!", "It's diarrhea shit!", "This game is horrible!", "Diarrhea fuck.", "It sucks!", "It's shit!", "It's balls!", "What a piece of shit.", "What a shitload of fuck.", and "What a piece of fuckin' shit."]
Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
So, the hell with that shit.
Yeah, the hell with that... damn shit.
TNTrue Nerd
The hell with that damn... fuckin' shit.
THE HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLSHIT!!!
FKFreddy Krueger
Whoa! Look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of shit! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So, you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die.
The NerdGo yank your cock through your ass, you fuckin' butt mongrel: I got the Power Glove!
The Nerd
Does there exist any store that sells... a ghost vacuum? Let's find out. (The Nerd turns on his cellphone and punches in a phone number)
The Nerd
"Hi, do you sell vacuums?"
The Nerd
"Um, yeah, uh, I'm lookin' for a special kinda vacuum. It's like, shaped like a funnel, sorta."
MManager
"Hmm, what kind of vacuum?"
The Nerd
"It's like, shaped like a funnel, like you put it on the roof of your car."
MManager
"You want a vacuum to clean your car?"
The Nerd
"No, you put it on the top of your car... like while you're drivin'...?"
MManager
"To, t-,t-, you want a vacuum to clean?"
The Nerd
"No, y'know, these vacuums are for catchin' ghosts..." (The Nerd struggles to contain laughter)
The Nerd
Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. [drinks beer]
[Bugs Bunny appears in Nerd's room]
The Nerd
[spits out beer] OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!
Nyah... [eats carrot] What’s up, Doc?
The Nerd
[walks up to Bugs] I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY! [punches Bugs in the stomach and in the face]
The Nerd
[after finding out Bugs' friends were pulling pranks on him] I'LL SHOW YOU SOME FUNNY TRICKS! [headbutts Bugs and starts punching him]
[while being pummeled] Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, COCK?!
The Nerd
[kicks him in the face] I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of shit!
The Nerd
You want some shit? [drops his pants] BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH! [diarrhea falls through a fake ass]
Nyyyyaaah, [diarrhea pours onto his face] oh shit! OH SHIT! Nyah!
The Nerd
Ugh, man! [takes off fake ass] Don't worry, folks. It's not real. [Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress] [while giving middle finger] Fuck you, Bugs Bunny! [gives middle finger through fake asshole] FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY! [tosses fake ass] There you go. Got your ass handed to you. [iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig] Ah-duh, ah-duh, duh, that's all, fucks! [raises middle finger]
OPOptimus Prime & Swamp Thing
Trick-or-treat!
The Nerd
Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! [grabs one of the bag and defecates into it. then he hands it back to Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing]
OPOptimus Prime & Swamp Thing
Ewwwwww!!
The Nerd
There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.
STSwamp Thing
That's not chocolate, that's poop.
The Nerd
It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's shit!
OPOptimus Prime
Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
STSwamp Thing
Yeah, I want some candy!
The Nerd
Oh, yeah. [puts "Halloween" Atari 2600 game back in the box then opens door again.] Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! [gives it to Optimus Prime]
OPOptimus Prime
What the heck is this?
The Nerd
It's an Atari game.
STSwamp Thing
What the heck is an Atari, you dope?
The Nerd
Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.
STSwamp Thing
First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.
The Nerd
[gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime] There you go. Have fun.
OPOptimus Prime
Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
The Nerd
Hey man, did you just swear?!
Uh, (laughs) yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! (laughs)
The Nerd
(resumes explaining the game) Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
The Nerd
...he never comes back!
(The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.) Fuck!
The Nerd
SHIT! Come on!
(Chuckles) (He sees the Wicked Witch) Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
The Nerd
Come on, you fuckin' green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
(Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)
The Nerd
Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like B-17 Bomber.
EVElectronic Voice
Mattel Electronics presents: (hillbilly voice) B-17 Bomber.
The Nerd
(mimics the voice) B-17 BOMBER!
EHElectronic Hillbilly Voice
B-17 Bomber!
The Nerd
Alright, fuck the game. Let's try Bomb Squad.
EVElectronic Voice
Mattel Electronics presents: Bomb Squad. (Alarm buzzes) They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
The Nerd
What? Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
EVElectronic Voice
It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
The Nerd
Oh, shit! OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! (Explosion)
The Nerd
Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, "you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell." That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The "N"? Necronomicon?? The "P" must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In The Wizard, the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
VAVideo Armageddon Host
Come up here, my little beauties!!
The Nerd
Yeah, "Video Armageddon!" The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, "the hills have eyes." Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (footage is reversed; profanity-laced subliminal message plays) This game's a product of the fucking devil. And none of the other Mario games were like this, so I don't know why it's only this one. But in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, Super Mario Bros. 3, it's a good game. So good, it's a sin.
[The Nerd turns off the NES Toploader, takes out the game, puts a phaser to it and is about to blast it out of existence, but he hesitates, eases off, and shakes his head.]
The Nerd
No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. [to air] You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else. [a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.] You're a Metron.
MMetron
Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?
The Nerd
Not really.
The Nerd
How?
MMetron
By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.
The Nerd
Mercy this, motherfucker! [shoots the Metron]
The Nerd
Battletoads on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', "What is this, a cheap Ninja Turtles knockoff, or somethin'?" But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- [he turns to his right and notices Kyle] Who the fuck are you?
I'm your guitar guy. [the Nerd doesn't get it.] I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.
The Nerd
Well then, go back behind the damn COUCH! Geez!
You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
The Nerd
Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
[stutters] Why can't I do the review with you?
The Nerd
Oh, uh-- because that's not how it WORKS! It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back behind the FUCKIN' COUCH!!
[angrily; while fighting back his tears] I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.
The Nerd
Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
There are no other couches to go behind!
The Angry Video Game Nerd · 789 quotes
