The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

(on NFL Quarterback Club on Super Nintendo) Oh, the decisions in life. Should you go to college? Should you get married, divorced? Should you move into a house or an apartment? Should you have a kid or adopt, or have a pet? But then, comes a question greater than any in the history of human civilization. A question that concerns the very ground on which we stand! It’s the fundamental surface of the warriors' trial! From the ancient coliseums to the arena fields! It’s the very vegetation that grows beneath! It’s the cycle of life! IT’S A PIVOTAL DECISION THAT WILL FOREVER ALTER THE COURSE OF TIME! IT’S HUMANITY’S MOST CRITICAL JUDGMENT! THE FATE OF ALL EXISTENCE DEPENDS ON IT! AND NOW, AT THIS MAJOR TURNING POINT, AS YOU STAND AT THE BURNING CROSSROADS UNDER THE LIGHT OF GOD, AND ASK YOURSELF, "WHAT'LL IT BE?! GRASS?! OR TURF?!" That’s a very important decision!

The Nerd

But there's more! The Game Boy version had sequels. Oh, yes. Here comes Spider-Man 2. I can't blame myself for missing it. It looks similar, but the controls are very different, especially the way the web works. You got to stick onto things and sort of like, ugah… like just swing yourself around. It-It’s kind of like, uh… You know, like, uh… like Spider-Man. Yeah, it’s a good attempt, unlike the first Game Boy game, where the web was automatic. Here, it’s more calculated, until you run out. Now you’re on your own. So you go around fighting enemies, climbing walls. It’s your usual friendly neighborhood Spider-Man game. What’s this? A dead end? (Spider-Man dies to the electric fence) Ooh! Literally a dead end! Well, I'll know next time not to touch the electric fence! Well damn. What's next, Spider-Man 3 on Game Boy? (laughs and sighs) Yeah. Who would've guessed this would be a trilogy? Spider-Man 3: Invasion of the Spider Slayers. Oh, boy. When it starts, you’re just running around a park beating people up. Then you reach a dead end, at least one that doesn’t kill you this time. So you’re just running back and forth taking out enemies until finally, an arrow appears at the bottom and lets you leave the stage. Next thing, I’m fighting a xenomorph alien! I mean, it looks exactly like Alien. Then there's some weird boss. Is it a bird? A robot claw? I don't know, but it's the shyest boss in game history. Won't come anywhere inside the screen. So fuck this!

The Nerd

Moving onto the Super Nintendo, we have Spider-Man and X-Men in Arcade's Revenge. At first, I thought the arcade machine was gonna get revenge, but it's actually the name of the villain. You start out as Spider-Man, and I don’t mean to say everything always sounds like farts, but when your Spidey-senses go off, just listen! (Plays the Spider-Sense sound effect) The goal is to collect these little things in a specific order, as if just fighting your way to the end of the stage wouldn’t have been enough. So the game just started and already, it’s an annoying maze. At least there’s arrows to tell you where to go so I’m just going to follow… Uh… Wait wait wait wait, which which way now? Wha- Uh- Left! Right! Down! Up! Left! Right! Left! Down! Up! The arrows can’t even make up their minds. After you clear the level, you get a character select screen. Each character has their own stage. Wolverine's fighting clowns, Jack-in-the-boxes with machine guns, and toy soldiers from Wizard of Oz. Storm’s level is an underwater stage. I figured she’d be flying, not swimming. And here’s Cyclops’ stage. What the fuck? The floor’s electric?! That scream is hilarious by the way. (Plays Cyclops’ death scream) And look at that silly kick. Urgh! Urgh! Urgh! So to avoid the floor, always make sure to ride the cart. There we go! All good! (The minecart explodes, and Cyclops dies. In response to this, the Nerd drops his SNES controller and uses his left hand as a UFO to reveal a middle finger) And if you wanted Arcade's Revenge on the go, well, here’s the Game Boy version. Same game. Same old shit. Nothing more to say. Except that wall climbing. Oh man. Get up there! Get up there! Damn it! Ahh!

The Nerd

But they also made a Wolverine game on Super Nintendo Adamantium Rage. There’s no color scheme. Everything looks like a mess. The controls take time to get used to. Any simple button command sends me flying, jumping and somersaulting all over the place like a maniac. It’s a confusing maze with background doors that you can’t go in. I keep getting lost! And look how jittery Wolverine’s movement is! He only goes fast, and still. Two geared diarrhea. And falling through platforms? Oh yeah, gotta have that. But at least you can dig at the floor, like a cat burying its shit. Everything I press does some stupid move, and I don’t know where I’m supposed to go because everything looks the same! Right about now, I’m feeling some adamantium rage. (puts down his SNES controller, blows to his closed fist, and gets out a middle finger claw)

The Nerd

Next up, The Punisher! I once made Pat play this game but I’ve never actually reviewed it myself. But that’s because there’s almost nothing to say! It’s just a crosshair point and shoot game. It’s so bland. It doesn’t even have music most the time! As a rental, in 1990, it wasn’t bad as a time killer, just blasting away everything on screen just as you’re blasting away your brain cells. If it moves, shoot it. If it doesn’t move, shoot it. During the boss fight, you can use your fists and feet. And after you kill them, it says “R.I.P”. Wow. In video games, you don’t think about all the people you kill. You take it for granted. But here comes a game that reminds you of the mortality to rub it in your face and say, “This man is dead! And you killed him! Hope you’re happy!” Then came The Punisher: Ultimate Payback on Game Boy. As expected, it's much more primitive. But the shocking thing, it has music. So that’s one major advantage over the NES version. You have to avoid shooting innocent people, even though it just takes some life away. I mean you'd think there'd be bigger consequences than that. And when an enemy takes a hostage, you just gotta watch your aim. And then Spider-Man comes in! Oh-ho-ho! Spider-Man's in this game! It's the Game Boy Cinematic Universe. (the in-game text says "Well, I suppose that you did OK, Punisher.") And that covers the Marvel Games.

The Nerd

Oh, God. (exhales) I gotta focus on my task here, acknowledge every LJN game, and then, I can move on. All right, now let's get to the wrestling games next. Now, there were three on NES, brandishing the LJN logo. And thankfully, I've already talked about them.

The Nerd

One funny thing I forgot to mention was that both in Wrestlemania Challenge and King of the Ring, you can play as yourself. What the hell's that supposed to mean? It's not like you can customize it to actually look like yourself. King of the Ring also had a Game Boy version. It's similar to the NES version, but even more awkward and with Atari sounds. WWF more like WTF. WWF Superstars was a big improvement, better graphics, has music during the match, but whenever the characters get close, their bodies sort of fuse together, it's weird. Then there's WWF Superstars 2. Hey it's on the title screen and they're already wrestling. It's impressive they include the wrestler's theme songs. (Hulk Hogan's theme song plays on Game Boy) You have the option to fight in the cage match, which I don't really see the point of, But hey each Game Boy version is an improvement over the last.

The Nerd

Next up we have a trilogy on Super Nintendo. In my wrestling episode, I trashed all three of these games, but I have to admit these were fun. The first was WWF Super Wrestle Mania, it had a great character lineup and seeing the faces all digitized was new and exciting, it gave you the option of flighting one on one or tag team, and you had a variety of moves to pull off, you could jump off the ropes, and even fight outside the ring, it introduced a grapple system where you got to tap the button real fast to perform a move. So if you're playing with a friend, it's all about who has the fastest thumbs, and that's when it gets crazy, you gotta fucking tap that shit like grease lightning and if you're both the same speed, it'll go on forever. Yeah, you haven't experienced anything until you've been in a fucking thumb war over LJN wrestling games on Super Nintendo. Yeah! The second in the trilogy was WWF Royal Rumble, This is the one I used to play the most as a kid, I always remember how when you flip the through the character screens, their theme song plays, I had never heard such awesome synthesized metal coming through my Super Nintendo. Sometimes I'd cycle through these tunes and just let it play in my room. Yeah! (The Super Nintendo version of Crush's theme plays as the Nerd belts out along) The game itself functions like the last one, but improved with the option of the royal rumble of course, this is where it gets nuts, having all those characters fill the ring, unleashing pure chaos and pandemonium, and if you get thrown out, you can still sit back and watch the rest of the fight. The third in the trilogy was WWF Raw and Wow, what a trippy opening, at first I thought the game was glitching. So this version is like royal rumble on crack, now there's mega moves and finishing moves, I don't know but at a certain point, I think enough is enough, the computer opponents are much harder I have to say, Overall, It's fun crazy wrestling action, and the chair hit never gets old. That's my favorite wrestling trope, there just happens to be a chair there, so might as well hit somebody, only problem they usually don't want to come near. Come on, anybody, who wants to get hit by a chair? But then of course, there was WWF Raw on Game Boy. Going from the Super Nintendo, to these tiny characters on a portable screen? Yeah. The fixed camera angle with a wide view of the ring doesn't help. The grapple button mashing is way more tiring on the D-pad, so, I say fuck it. And that covers the Wrestling Games.

The Nerd

But now, let's get into all the miscellaneous games, the LJN leftovers. First up is Pictionary. That's right, the word-guessing, drawing game now on your NES. Seems like a good idea actually, how could you screw that up? The free drawing game, where you can just doodle whatever you want, is so bad, it almost rivals the LJN Video Art. It controls like garbage, the way you have to rotate the tool around and how it speeds away like a runaway rocket makes you wish you had an Etch-a-Sketch instead. And the erase sound effect... (the sound effect plays as he recognizes the funny 8-bit sound) I think I've heard that before. Is that from Ghostbusters?

(crosses the streams, the Ghostbusters turn into pixels and a funny 8-bit noise is heard) Now that's epic.

The Nerd

When you play the main game, it becomes immediately clear that this is not the Pictionary you'd except, there's a game on the side that has an astronaut kicking around balls or firefighters catching people out a window who won't wait their turn, or a guy carrying crates, don't you hate it when you're trying to stack crates and frog heads keep bothering you? The idea is to last as long as possible in these mini-games, as the more points you get, the more of the picture on the right gets uncovered, when you lose the mini-game, You're left to solve the word for the picture even if the picture is nowhere near complete, so I've been able to guess many of them, but when you can barely see much of it, what's the point. How am I supposed to know what that is? How about fuck you!

The Nerd

One game I remember seeing as a kid was Gotcha! The Sport!. When I saw the cover, I was intrigued because I thought that red splash was blood, but it's actually a paintball capture the flag style game, thank god The Punisher's not playing. The interesting thing is that the game was part of a marketing franchise of toy guns for kids that shot washable paint, they were made by LJN's enter tech division, the other weird thing is that it's sorta based on the comedy action film Gotcha! from '85 starring Anthony Edwards. I'd put this in the movie category, but it's such a loose adaption. So it uses the NES Zapper and controller at the same time, so use the d-pad to go left and right and the zapper to fire obviously, all you do is blast people with your paintballs and try to capture the flag. Well, it's not that great, but what do you except from an NES zapper game made by LJN that sorta kinda maybe based on a movie and that's part of a line of paintball guns for kids?!

The Nerd

(he stands up and breathes heavily) All these years, I've been trashing these games. But maybe, I haven't been fair. Maybe it wasn't the game designers' faults. Maybe, if you haven't tried something yourself, you don't know how fucking hard it is! It wasn't their fault. (he goes to the fourth shelf with happy and joy) I forgive them! (takes out Bill & Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure) This game I forgive! (takes out Back to the Future II & III) And this game I forgive! (takes out Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Special Value box) And this game... (suddenly, he looks at the box and his face turns sour as the scene cuts to black) This game sucks.

The Nerd

THEY DID IT! IT'S COMPLETE! A FULL, HOME-RUN SHITFEST! After 200 episodes, I never thought I'd see something so perfectly fucked! This is a major code red on the shit scale! It sits right on there with Jekyll and Hyde! In fact, I think it might even be WORSE than Jekyll and Hyde! This might be the worst NES game I ever played, and I'm never revisiting this one! I'd rather slurp the liquefied bowels of a diarrhetic yeti after it's gorged itself on the stinking dead carcass of a rotten warthog! As long as there still exists more shitty games, I will continue to be... The Angry Video Game Nerd.

The Nerd

[on the Atari Jaguar version of Doom] But shortly after that episode, I got a message from designer, Sandy Peterson saying it was a money issue. Though John Romero has clarified it was actually a hardware issue that the Jaguar didn't have the memory and the CPU resources. Pretty awesome of him to respond, right?

The Nerd

Doom on the Wawa order screen? You can play Doom while you're ordering Mac and Cheese. Doom on a gas pump? Fill up your car while blasting away demons! Don't smoke while you play it. Doom on the Dreamcast memory card screen? The VMU? I need to emphasize, not Doom on the actual Dreamcast, but on the memory card. Doom on the screen of your car? Well, that's dangerous. Doom on your thermostat? Doom on your VCR clock? Dig out your VCR for that one. (chuckles) Doom on your microwave? Good way to kill time while you're waiting for your food. Doom on the turkey thermometer? Doom on the pregnancy test! I'm not kidding here, for real. Somebody got this to work. Doom on the Odyssey? It's just a dot on the screen, but that overlay works nice. But it is the only Doom port where you get to use a realistic gun. (fires the Odyssey Light Gun) Doom the water arcade? Now we're past the limits of electronics. Doom the Etch A Sketch? Doom the flipbook? (he makes the flipbook work) Doom on a Rubik's Cube? Doom on Pogs? Fucking pogs! Doom the toilet piss game? Get pissed off and piss on! Yeah! (The Nerd urinates on the demon paper towel and flushes the toilet) And finally, Doom the suppository! It's the only one with Doom II. Because it's number two! Diarrhea dump the Doom out!

The Nerd

Today is the big day. The new Indiana Jones movie is out. That's right, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It's gonna be good. I have faith. It was only yesterday, I was only showing you all the games based on the classic trilogy. But now that it's a quadrilogy, I have a little surprise for ya. Of course there's always gonna be games I missed. I already showed you a few based on Last Crusade. But there's like a thousand more. There's one on Commodore 64 which is basically like a shittier version of the Genesis game which is pretty shitty itself. I remember that's the one where Indy pours from the Grail onto his father, like in the movie. Except what is he pouring? That looks, um, questionable. (as Dr. Jones, Sr.) Yes, Indy, right on my chest. (normal voice) Then there's the PC version which is actually good. It's a point-and-click game made with a lot of care and attention to detail. The graphics and the lighting are really well done, but hang on, what's Indy doing with the water fountain? If he's drinking, he would be leaning over. So I can only conclude that since this game was developed and published by Lucasfilm Games (later LucasArts), it must be considered canon that Indy... is a sink-pisser. But anyway about that surprise, I'm gonna do something a little different here. Usually I take you back to the past but this time, I'm gonna play a new game. Yeah! They sent me an advance copy of the new Crystal Skull game. I figured before I go see the movie, I might as well check out the game.