[Red sees Kelso's hand stuck on the refrigerator handle]
Kelso, it's six in the morning. Did someone glue you to the fridge?
...No.
Kelso, did you glue yourself to the fridge?
...Yes.
S7 E12Don't Lie To Me
S7 E13Can't You Hear Me Knocking
I'm spending the day ice fishing. [puts on hat]
Well, I'll come with you. Grab a fishing stick for me!
[takes off hat] I don't wanna go.
What? Why not?
Because I don't want you to go.
[mimics loading a shotgun] BURN!
Really. I mean, Kitty, you'd hate it. It's cold and boring. And we both know the only ice you like is in your cocktails.
The only thing that could ruin today is if the Russians set off that Russian death ray that’s pointed at the White House. No, seriously. I read about it in a magazine.
Kelso, that was “The Flash,” and it is a comic book.
I love comic books. I wish I had thought bubbles. [pause] So, you see anything?
Kelso, the Russians don't have a death ray. But they do have a stupid ray, and it's pointed directly at you.
[picks up the phone] No, the Russians do have a death ray, and I'll prove it. Oh, operator, uh...give me the White House.
Kelso! ...I'm not allowed to make long-distance calls without permission.
Oh, awesome! I'm on hold and they're playing that theme song to the President.
Hail to the Chief.
Oh, thank you, Eric. But I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song.
[The guys get paranoid about the authorities after Kelso accidentally threatens the White House]
Good job disposing of all the evidence you guys.
You better take this serious, Eric. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of, even more than we had at the Pink Floyd concert.
Yeah, there is a lot. Without all the smoke machines and lasers...this is just a punishment.
Man, I never thought I'd say this...but I wish there were more people to share this with.
[Later...]
This is our third circle and it hasn't calmed me down at all. ...I feel almost more suspicious than before!
I don't wanna get sent back to my home country. If I return in shame, I will get stoned! And then, they'll throw rocks at me!
Everybody just settle down. Okay...SETTLE DOWN! YOU ARE ALL LOSING YOUR MINDS! WHO IS YELL—WHO IS YELLING?! We all...just need to...keep...calm. [hears someone knocking] THAT'S THE DOOR! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Guys, we are making too many mistakes. We need to sit down, and figure this out!
[Later in the circle...]
Okay, this is starting to feel like work, man. The feds have ruined the circle. The circle sucks. That's right, I said it.
Hey. This circle is the only thing that's keeping us sharp! If it weren't for the circle, we'd have no idea that the feds were surrounding us, putting bugs everywhere, watching our every move! [whispering] So I say "Thank you," to the circle!
I just want everyone to know...[pulls out lightsaber] I'm prepared to fight my way outta here.
S7 E14Street Fighting Man
[Having been given money by Red to buy a jersey, Eric comes back to the stands wearing a Chicago Bears jersey, amidst a sea of Packers fans]
Eric, how the hell can you wear a Bears jersey at a Packer game?
Okay, maybe he doesn't understand why it's wrong. Let me tell you in a way how you can understand. The Packers are like the Jedi, and you're wearing a Go Darth Vader jersey.
Uh, that's ridiculous. The Jedi don't play football. They play manu-Ka.
Forman, this is worse than when you wore the Air Supply t-shirt to the Aerosmith concert.
For God sakes, will you just take the damn jersey off?
No. You know what? I like rooting for the underdog, okay? I am the underdog in real life. I like Charlie Brown. I like the little engine that could. I like the Bears.
[Red has just witnessed something he'd never thought he'd see in his life - Eric fighting someone, specifically, a Packers fan dissing Eric for supporting the Bears]
Ooh! Eric's in a fight! No one's here! No one's gonna believe me! Why didn't I bring my camera?
S7 E15It's All Over Now
[After Donna refuses to wear bikini]
SSSizzling Sarah
Unlike some people I care about this radio station, plus I just love wearing a bikini, when I put one on I jiggle just like jelly!
Well she jiggles like two perfectly filled water-ballons, but I'm afraid you'll never get to see them, or touch them, or make a motor-boat sound with your mouth between them because she is a LADY!!!
[After Donna's boss fires her]
I'm a gentleman and never use this kind of language, but Mr. Randall you are one six-ing seven-ing monkey five-er you think your one don't stink well three-off you three-ing three [quoting George Carlin's Seven words You Can't Say on Television or Radio
S7 E16On With The Show
[Red and Kitty see a pajama-clad Eric appear for breakfast]
Have you been in bed all day?
Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got outta bed?
You have got to be the laziest non-Communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.
AAngie
It's like you guys have your own language- I don't even understand half the things you say.
Hah–if you understand anything Fez says, you're the only one. Burn! [Fez and Kelso laugh]
Oh, Kelso can't understand me- now I know how it feels to be a book! A-burn! [Fez and Kelso laugh again]
AAngie
See? Man, I wanna "burn" somebody so I can be part of the gang!
This gang? Angie, the only reason this gang formed was because no one would let us into their gang! We're like the chess club- but better looking... and dumber.
S7 E17Down The Road Apiece
[Red, Kitty, Donna, and Kelso find Eric's Vista Cruiser, abandoned]
Okay, we're gonna use my Police Academy training to figure out what happened here ... first thing I'm gonna need is for everyone to lie face down with your hands behind your head.
What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers? They're gonna kill him, he can't do anything!
I told him this was a stupid idea and now were stuck out here in the middle of nowhere ... my foot is shaking it wants to kick his ass so bad. [Kitty shakes head]
[walks to Kitty and Red] I never should have let Eric go on this trip ... I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex [Kitty and Red look at her] ... I mean, scrabble.
Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn't have to worry [Donna's eyes open wide]
[after analyzing car] Okay, I think it's obvious [stands] what happened to Eric ... [points around] we got an abandoned car, a flat tire, and footprints heading off in that direction. Mrs. Forman, your son's been kidnapped by coyotes. [Donna, Kitty, and Red are not satisfied with his analysis]
Isn't it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn't change it himself and went off to find some help.
And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.
[At a truck stop, Eric worries about how to pay his bill with Leo]
I can't believe I'm stuck in a backwoods truck stop with no money. You know if we don't do something, this waitress is just gonna hand us over to these truckers. You know, they're all freaky, sexual deviants. Man, women, animal-they don't care as long as it's warm [drinks]
Don't worry, man, I've got an idea how we can pay for this dinner. [at Circle in storeroom] That was a good idea...now how are we gonna pay for dinner?
WWaitress
[smiling] I think this pretty much covers your tab, but if you're interested, dessert's on me. [clicks tongue]
In that case [laughs] you'd better soak your uniform in club soda.
You see? What an awesome night. I am partying in the back of a truck stop with a hippie and a waitress...who are now making out...wow, the fact that I'm here is ... not slowing them down at all ... [laughs but is disgusted at what the waitress just did] good, God, woman, you buttered my toast with that hand!
S7 E18Oh, Baby (We Got a Good Thing Goin')
We can't compete with a bunch of cars. Wheels are like bosoms to men... and a car has four.
[Fez takes a bottle out of Kelso's baby bag.]
Don't touch that! It's breast milk!
Breast milk... from real breasts? [looks at Donna's chest] What don't they do?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.