That '70s Show quotes

Kitty

You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room! [Runs out of room crying]

Eric

Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.

Red

There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.

Eric

Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.

Red

Kitty, I know these past few weeks have been hard on you, hard on all of us really. [Kitty glares at him] But especially hard on you. I mean since you found out you were . . .

Kitty

Just say it Red, barren!

Red

Well there's no reason for both of us to say it. So I got something to cheer my girl up.

Kitty

Oh good, cause I finished off the last bottle this morning.

Red

No, no. I got you a puppy. [holds up a Dachshund] He needs somebody to take care of him. His? mother got run over by a car.

Kitty

Did you run over a dog, Red?!

Hyde

So, Forman, you finally broke down, huh? What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?

Eric

No, I got her way more than a piece of jewelry. I got her a gift that really says something - a diamond engagement ring.

Kelso

As a joke?

Eric

No, you guys, I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.

Kelso

As a joke?

Eric

Man, everyone's down on me and Donna getting engaged. You guys, my parents... even the magic 8 ball said, "Outlook not so good." I just... Look, I really think Donna would love an engagement ring.

Hyde

Oh, she'll love the ring. It's the thought behind it that'll send her running for the hills. Or maybe she'll see how smart it is to get married when you're still in high school and have no money or future.

Kelso

I know I ran when Jackie wanted to marry me. Except I ran for California instead of the hills. I mean the beach kicks the hills' ass! There's way more bikinis and they usually have a snack bar!

Eric

Maybe you guys are right. What if she thinks I'm moving too fast? Man, giving her this ring is a huge gamble. Am I man enough to make that bet? No! No! The answer is no!

Hyde

You see, Forman? You try to do a nice, thoughtful thing and you screw it yourself. It's all about expectations, man. Like, I've taught Jackie to think I'm rude and inconsiderate. I can't disappoint her because I'm always disappointing her!

Eric

And if I don't give Donna the ring, what'll I do at the water tower? Oh, God! [puts on the Stupid Helmet] I do deserve this!

Kitty

Eric, honey, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer? Oh, wait. It's a 20-pounder. Donna, could you get the Thanksgiving turkey out of the freezer?

Eric

[To Schatzi] Hey Schatzi, stay away from my witch sister. Her and her witch friends have been known to sacrifice small animals. Oh, and possibly that one asthmatic neighbor boy.

Kitty

Eric, little Wally moved away.

Eric

A six-year-old moved away? His parents still live in that house!

Eric

Fez, I know you've only spoken English for a couple weeks now. But, could you have learned the words, "Don't tell my dad?" "Don't", a contraction meaning, "do not," and "tell my dad", meaning "SHUT UP?"

Fez

Okay, right there! You just told me not to shut up. It's a wonder you're not failing English, too. Crack a book, you lazy son of a bitch!

Red

Well, I'm glad. That guy makes Republicans look like a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.

Eric

[sarcastically] Thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?

Red

What did you say?

Eric

Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie!

Red

That's right.

Eric

Watch the gun, Cool Hand Luke.

Kelso

[stands up] Relax. Guns don't just go off by accident.

Donna

Oh really? What about Eric's fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?

Eric

What? No, Snowball didn't get shot. He went upstate to live with a nice farm family. [catches on] You shot Snowball?!!

Kelso

The gun went off by accident!

Eric

Ground me.

Red

What?

Eric

I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.

Red

You got it, pal. You're grounded!

Eric

One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.

Red

Do I have to be nice about it?

Eric

No.

Red

This is the happiest day of my life.

Eric

Hey Donna! I got an 800. We're lucky I can wash myself.

Kelso

[as announcer] And the canoeing champion for this year's Battle of the Network Stars is...Red Forman!

My team! [presents trophy to Red]

Red Forman

Thanks, Jamie Farr, and I'd like to give a special thanks to Ed Asner. Ed, thanks for paddling your canoe like a girl. Where's your spunk now, you big pansy? [laughs holding trophy high]

Kitty

Here you go Red, Belgian waffles.

Eric

What's so Belgian about them?

Red

They crumbled at the hands of the Nazis.

Kitty

OH MY GOD!

Donna

Oh my God!

Hyde

Alright! It's Donna's butt!

Red

DAMN IT!! That's where I eat dinner!

Red

Is that what I think it is?

Kelso

If you mean paprika, yes, sir!

Kitty

Honey... Honey, paprika is red.

Kelso

If you mean green paprika, yes, sir!

Red

[angrily] Green paprika?

Kelso

Hyde, what am I looking for here?

Hyde

Oregano!

Kelso

If you mean oregano, yes, sir!