TV show quotes
Look what I've got!
Ew. What's that?
That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.
Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?
Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
Oh? Then I'll do it.
No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass!
Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?
That it's offensive to the devil?
[Since Jackie crashed Kelso's van, Kelso demands an accounting of all expenses incurred during their relationship. Hyde writes down the expenses.]
All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway [starts to take off his shirt]
Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso...Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart... and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Well- Uh-W- One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. And...and....Hyde, help me out here.
Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
Hyde.
Dude, you burned her house.
Look, I told you again and again, I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance. And yet you keep thinking that I have an interest in you and you have a chance.
Wait! Did you just say that you're interested in me and that I have a chance?
Okay, you know what: you forced me to do this. I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry: Haiku.
My heart aches with pain. [Jackie smiles]
When I see you, I vomit. [Jackie's smile drops, looking stunned]
Die away from me.
[enjoying herself from the couch] Ouch!
Sayonara. [goes to basement room]
[stunned] Donna....never have 17 syllables hurt me so much. Why would he want to hurt me like that?
Because you're stalking him, Jackie.
No, really, Donna!
[Red is making good progress with his barbecue war against Bob]
Well, we've gone through three batches of Ambrosia salad.
Three batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. [laughs. Donna approaches] Oh uh, hi Donna.
Well I hope you're all happy, cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.
[surprised] Wait? What?
Yeah, Bargain Bob's is closing this week so....congratulations. [walks away]
Oh my God, I feel so bad.
Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?
Wha...me? You coulda, you -
Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.
Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.
Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.
Yeah, I suppose. [addresses guests] All right freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! [everyone starts to leave] Eric, grab that keg.
Ok, I'm on it. [tries to carry but the keg wouldn't budge]
[staggering from the car] Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. You know who doesn't like parties? Red. [imitates Red] I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! [Red walks outside the house] Uh-Oh. [throws up on Red's shoes]
Son of a bitch!
[Looks at Eric's barf] Eric, when did you eat spaghetti?
[Eric is laying on the couch, hungover]
My head hurts.
That's your own brain comprehending it's own stupidity.
[On Hyde's Dad] What kind of man leaves a bunch of kids alone with a keg?
A fun one?
Hey, Jim Beam, can it.
[The guys play quarters at Bud's Christmas party]
I miss my funnel. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Eric, drink.
Okay, if I was Tattoo, and I lived on Fantasy Island, my fantasy would be to not be a midget. Am I right? [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm... Eenie, meenie, miney, Forman.
You know, Hyde, at first I thought your dad was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirtbag and Father of the Year! [throws quarter and hits the table] Damn!
Fellas, I have to be honest. I've never played quarters before, so I probably stink. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Oh, happy day! Eric.
Man, this is the worst game in the world. I'm so thirsty. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Dammit! Eric, drink!
I mean... he lives on Fantasy Island, man! And he's a midget! It's so obvious! [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm. Mmmmm, Forman!
Does anyone else feel kinda woozy? [throws quarter and hits the table] Oh, what the hell, man?!
If I make this shot, I promise I will not pick you, Eric. [throws quarter and hits the glass] ...I pick you, Eric. It's fun to lie!
Ooh, it's kinda cold.
Here, take my jacket.
I love you.
God, we are such a... perfect couple.
I'm cold, too.
Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather!
[Laurie is telling Red and Kitty what she plans to do with her life.]
But now, I have found my passion: Hair!
The musical?
No! HAIR! [Laurie grabs a handful of her hair.]
I'm going to beauty school!
This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?
No! It's a real school!
Oh. Well... yay!
Congratulations, sweetheart!
[Laurie leaves in excitement.]
Well, Kitty, what do you think?
Eh.
Yeah.
[After Kelso celebrates himself winning and Fez lost while dancing in his van with Jackie, the ground underneath the van starts shaking and both Jackie and Kelso run out quickly as do Eric, Donna and Fez out of the shack to hear what the commotion is]
Guys, what happened?
I dunno, all of a sudden, the van just started shaking!
Uh... guys?
[Kelso's van slowly sinks down into the icy water underneath the ground, as everyone is astonished by that happening]
[quickly takes off his belt as his van continues sinking] Quick! Everyone, gimme your belts! Together we can pull it out!
[The van makes creaking noises as it splashes out some water towards the group and Eric and Donna quickly back up to their right]
COME ON!
[Eric and Donna refuse to help as Kelso waves his belt at them, telling them to join in, but they still don't want to]
Michael, this is it! This is the sign I was looking for! God doesn't want us to be together!
[At this point, the van is now submerged in the lake]
Who... cares? I'm losing my van!
See? That was always the problem with us, Michael. It was always about you.
Jackie... Are you losing your van?
No!
THEN SHUT UP!
Wow. Watching Kelso's van sink makes the size of my feet seem... unimportant.
See, Donna? Size doesn't matter.
Oh. You don't have to tell me.
[chuckles] That's–yeah. Ah, that's my sweet girl.
[walks over to Fez] Fez, I'm cold.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a rat's ass.
[At a party celebrating Red's 'death']
Are you having fun?
No. Turns out I was mistaken. Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you. I just wanna spend it with people I really, really love. Like you and, uh...Well, mostly just you [taps glass] Everybody. [guests look at him] Thanks for being here. And I just wanna say...when my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass!
[Awkward silence.]
[Laughs nervously]
[Everyone else laughs.]
[Donna and Eric are in his room, putting their clothes back on.]
Donna, I'm so glad you're my study partner. Because you make learning fun. [Laughs and kisses Donna.]
Okay, well, no more study breaks. We have to get this report done.
Alright, fine. Okay.
[Both walk over to his bed and pick up their stuff.]
Report on the current state of U.S.-Soviet relations. Okay, we need a title.
How 'bout... Current State of U.S.-Soviet Relations?
Damn, you're smart. [Writes title down on paper.] "U.S.-Soviet Relations". [Looks up at Donna; jumps on top of her and they start making out.]
[Eric is trying to connect new speakers in his car]
Where's the tunes, Forman?
I learned how to speak English faster than this.
It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.
[The gang is not pleased that Kelso's planning to bail on the check at the Vineyard.]
Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.
Uh, well... Remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid? Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?
Oh, my God. I'm a thief.
I think technically you're an accessory.
Which should make you happy, because you love accessories, earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...
Shut up!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
