RRoy
I work here; hotel kitchen manager. I was gonna put out word that we're lookin' for a cook, but then I figured why bother. They'll just leave me like everybody else.
JackieSo Roy, seem a little depressed there.
RRoy
Yeah, I'm teeterin' on the brink.
Maybe I can do somethin' to cheer you up.
RRoy
Really? Oh, that'd be great.
Cut to the three of them in The Circle:
RRoy
So I'm on the Golden Gate Bridge and everyone's tellin' me to jump. I was just out for a jog.
Okay Roy, here's what I'm gonna do for you. I'm gonna take that job as cook and keep you company; on two conditions. I'm not gonna work very hard, and you're gonna have to pay me a lot. But man, it'll be a bargain considering the money you save on hookers and shrinks.
RRoy
Great! And if it's work related, I can call you at home. Now I have a reason to get a phone.
[Red, Kitty, and Eric confront Hyde for letting Jackie sleep over in the basement. Eric is in a makeshift toga.]
Who the hell do you think you are? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.
And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.
Told you to look where you were goin'.
Jackie
Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?
You knocked over my Space Command Center? I spent three hours building that.
Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?
Jackie's been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy Mansion you know.
Look, nothing was going on.
Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!
Would you please go put some pants on? This is where I eat.
Hey, weren't we supposed to seize something, man?
You know what the Six Million Dollar Man should have? A bionic nose. You could smell everything!
Guys, all I know is that we should really appreciate this. 'Cause... I don't think we're gonna be able to do this in college.
This peach cobbler... is amazing! I love how they have a whole pan of peach cobbler just sittin' on a counter!
Jackie
See? We don't need anyone else. We have lots of interesting things to say. [to Hyde] Right?
...Hey. There's this car that runs on water.
[The gang pelts Hyde with beer cans again]
[Jackie explains to Hyde her moment with Kelso in the previous episode]
Jackie
...and that's when you saw us, but I swear nothing happened!
Jackie, stop talking! Look I know all this now okay. But before I knew I was at the hotel last night, and I was really mad, there was this nurse...and-
Jackie
And what? [gives him a mean look and he looks really sorry]
And I'm really sorry okay. I promise it'll never happen again.
Jackie
[voice breaking up] That's exactly what Michael used to say!
Jackie
No, you know what Steven, I'm sorry. It's over. [gets out of the car and walks away]
[turns on radio] Huh, finally get country music.
It was awful. I saw Laurie, and everything just went blank, and I just ran. I just ran away. And then I heard these high-pitched screams.... and it was me.
Yeah? Well, I've got bigger problems. Fez is a good artist. He's gonna paint me onto a nudie poster, and sell it to every gaucho in Argentina, or wherever the hell he's from. Eric, I'm gonna be Ms. Nude Argentina.
Jackie
You know, being here under the stars, sitting on the grass... makes me really glad I'm not poor.
Check out that fire, baby. Yeah, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's turning a small fire into a big fire. Man, that one guitar-shaped log is roarin'! [looks more closely into the fire] What the... Is that my guitar?!
[Jackie and Hyde are making out on Donna's bed]
Jackie
Steven, I am so glad we are back together. I thought I lost my pudding pop forever.
You wanna hear something sick? I actually missed you calling me pudding pop. [They continue making out and Donna and Eric come in]
How many times have I told you guys not to make out on my bed? You guys are like cats; you don't even listen. [sprays Jackie and Hyde with water]
Jackie
You're leaving tonight so technically this isn't your bed anymore. Besides I just can't keep my hands off my puddin' pop.
DEDonna and Eric
Puddin' Pop?
Is that supposed to be me? I never had that name before in my life.
[In the circle]
We should think about getting her something else. What do you think Puddin' pop?
Why does everyone keep callin' me that? My name's not Puddin' pop! I never heard that name before in my life! Forman's dead.
Jackie
Hey, you guys think that's funny you should hear what Steven calls me. He calls me his- [Hyde shoves a piece of cake in her face] Hey! Oh hey, that's some good cake!
Jackie
Laverne is so annoying. Why does Shirley put up with her crap?
She has to. They're in love.
Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not lesbians.
Trust me, they're one bottle of wine away from making out, just like you two.
Jackie
Hey, maybe a good way to break the ice is for everyone to tell a little about themselves. I'll go first... I like makeup and diets. And Steven here likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.
BBrooke
Okay, well, I was valedictorian of my class, I run marathons and tutor kids in Latin.
Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class, a marathon runner -- oh, and some kids that took Latin.
BBrooke
So how do you all know each other?
Jackie
Well, Michael and I dated for, like, three years.
Then I stole her from him.
Nah, nah, you never could have stole her if I didn't cheat on her first.
BBrooke
Okay. Wait a minute.
It, uh... that sounds a lot worse than what it is. I only cheated on her with Eric's sister, and the rest of the girls were when we were on a break because I annoyed her. But none of those were sisters except the two that were sisters.
He brought up the sisters. Awesome.
BBrooke
Okay, this was a mistake. I think I'm going to go.
No, Brooke, wait... I've been with a lot of chicks, a lot... a lot... a lot.
Jackie
That's not helping.
Look, just let me start over... We might not be the perfect match, okay, but I really, really like you. I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.
BBrooke
Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train or in Paris, not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert. [gets up and leaves.]
Fate. Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really really know what it means.
[The gang is hanging out in Hyde's room]
Jackie
Why are you guys all in Steven's room?
Well, Hyde was here so I came in because I am not comfortable enough with myself to be alone.
Jackie
Yeah, but it's all gray like a prison cell. Gray is why prisoners are unhappy.
Really, I always thought it? was the loss of freedom ...... and the uninvited man love.
[Kelso introduces a fellow cadet to the gang]
Hey, guys. This is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a good look, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
SSSuzy Simpson
You're right. This one [points to Hyde] looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do To You" filmstrip.
You're a cop, huh. You kinda looked like a cop. You look kinda giggly.
Look, alright. Simpson needed to get me a ride home 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it would feel like.
Hey, so Suzy, which Charlie's Angels is your favorite? The brainy one? The sporty one? Or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.
SSuzy
Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge. No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Jackie
Hey, those sluts are my heroes.
Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
SSuzy
We back up our own.
KSKelso and Suzy
Point! Place! Police! Court! Freeze! Said Freeze!
[explaining how the police academy got set on fire]
It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.
Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.
Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.
Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.
Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."
Jackie
Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.
So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.
[Everyone plays Truth or Dare against each other in pairs; Donna is with Eric, Kelso is with Fez, and Hyde is with Jackie, leaving Mitch by himself]
Okay, Kelso: Truth or dare.
Have you ever snuck into my bathroom while I was showering?
You have snuck in there! I was there and I saw you! ...I mean, dare.
Jackie
Okay, Steven: Truth or dare? The truth will be whether or not you love me, and the dare will be... telling me that you love me!
Okay, Mitch: Truth or dare? Um, I pick dare, Mitch. Okay, Mitch. I dare you to kiss Donna. [gasps at himself] Mitch! Naughty Mitch!
Mitch, you goofball. That’s not how that works. You have to be, like, "I dare you to kiss me."
[Mitch gets up and kisses Donna in front of Eric]
Look at him go! He's like a hummingbird!
[Kelso pretends to interrogate Eric]
Alright, Mr. Forman, if that is indeed your real name, what did you do on the day of yesterday?
You'll never get it out of me, copper. I'm no rat!
[Kelso takes Eric's X-Wing model and smashes it against the table]
Oh, just relax, Eric. I'm just doing good cop, bad cop. That was the bad cop, but he's gone now. See, now good cop is here to take care of you. Hey, how you doin', buddy? It's a real shame about what happened to your model. Why don't you tell me what you did yesterday?
I came home from the restaurant, and spent six hours building that model!
Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, but what about your encounter at the store with the girl who sells slurpees?
Yeah, you remember. She asked why you never call her anymore. You were like...
Wait. Is that the girl from the movies?
Donna, I'm asking the question here. Was that the girl from the movies?
What happened to, "I barely know her?"
What happened to, "I barely know her?"
Why were you calling her, Eric?
Why were you calling her, Eric?
Kelso, will you shut up?!
Oh, yeah, it's getting hot in here, isn't it?!
[pushes Kelso's face away] Look, Donna maybe I kinda know her. Maybe we kinda went out a couple times when you were dating Kelso's brother.
Jackie
Wait. You got other girls besides Donna to go out with you? What is this obsession with the underdog?
So the other day at the movies you lied to me?
Donna, I'm the senior officer here. So the other day at the movies you lied to me.
No! You know, I mean... it was the movies, you know. It's... it's all make-believe.
Okay, you know what? Don't bother coming over tonight. My sexual tension has been replaced with another familiar emotion: Anger at your scrawny ass!
Jackie
Well, good job, Michael. You solved one crime and prevented an even bigger one: Donna having sex with Eric.
[to Eric] You have the right to remain BUUURRRRRNNN!
[Hyde is in the hospital after falling off the water tower while with Donna]
Hyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.
Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.
Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.
Jackie
[enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.
And you brought me flowers?
Jackie
No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?
Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]
[Midge returns]
Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.
You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.
Jackie
[enters room] Steven, you're late. Where.. Midge! Hey.. what a surprise. Huh. I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
[walks in with Pam] Midge, what are you doing here?
I came to see Donna. Who's the amazon?
Oh, this is my, uh, friend.
PPam
"Friend"? I don't think so. Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
I'm Midge, the second best thing that ever happened to him.
Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Jackie
Your mom is staying with us?
No, your mom is staying with us.
Jackie
What about my mom?
Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
