Jackie Burkhart quotes from That '70s Show

Jackie

Hey Fez I think I have something in my eye.

Fez

Is it Donna's engagement ring?

Jackie

No. No it's too big for that.

Hyde

Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.

Eric

Okay. okay. Donna, you though the engagement ring was big enough right? [Donna hesitates]

Kelso

Burn!

Donna

I didn't say anything!

Kelso

Then say something.

Donna

It could've been bigger.

Kelso

BURN!

Hyde

I don't know what's happening to me. I just got paired up with this bookkeeping guy, who told me a story about accounts receivable. Not only did I know what he was talking about, I suggested he make a flowchart.

Jackie

Say Flowchart again.

Hyde

I love hittin’ it.

Jackie

I love that you taught me to love hittin’ it. You know, this is the first time we’ve hit it at... Hey. This place doesn’t have a name yet!

Donna

We should call it, “Hot Wax Records”... but with a “Z.” Recordz. Z’s are so rock ‘n roll!

Hyde

“Funk Man’s House of Funk,” “Funk Man’s Funky House of Funk.” “Funky Man’s Funky House of Hittin’ It”! [laughs] You guys writing this down or what?!

Hyde

Okay, here’s the situation. Thanksgiving Night, everything’s closed. We need to find a hundred record bins by midnight. It’s the same damn thing every year.

Jackie

Wait, I have a question. …How does hair know to grow? And how far inside your head does it go? Does it touch your brain?

Hyde

Okay, I think we need to get Jerry Garcia here some coffee.

Fez

Let the girl rap. I will sing to it! What do you think about my head?

Kelso

The Head, that’s the name! I saved the day!

Donna

You know what would be perfect for the records? Those boxes that milk bottles come in. They’re like crates… or crepes. Crepes! How good are crepes?!

Hyde

That’ll work, man. We need, like, fifty empty milk crates.

Jackie

Well, how are we gonna drink all that milk? Wait! We need fifty boxes of cookies!

Hyde

No, wastoid! We’ll steal the crates! It’s perfect. Milk crates.

Donna

Milk crates.

Kelso

Milk crates.

Fez

Milky craties!

Hyde

Jackie, what the hell where you thinking?

Jackie

Look, Steven, I know it's a crazy thing to do, its just ... I kno-I wanted to know what it was like to be planning a life and a wedding and everything, I mean, that's all I've ever wanted ... And I was starting to think it was never gonna happen with you.

Hyde

[puts hands by face] Are we back on this again [faces her] Why can't you just be happy with what we've got?

Jackie

BECAUSE I'M NOT!, [voice breaking] Steven ... okay, look, I need to know that we have a future together ... Can't you just give me some kind of sign or just a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe someday we'll get married?

Hyde

Jackie? I don't know.

Jackie

That's all you ever say. Please Steven, please just say anything besides I don't know. Anything else.

Hyde

I don't know...[looks down]

Jackie

Well then I can't be with you anymore.

Hyde

Jackie, don't threaten me, okay? It's not gonna work.

Jackie

I'm not threatening you, Steven, I can't waste anymore of my time on you if it's not gonna. happen for us ... Okay, well, at least now I know.

Steven, I'm moving Angie to Milwaukee to get her away from the costumers. I love my little girl but you're the one who should be running that store, so [pats Hyde on shoulder] its yours. [returns to desk]

Hyde

Wow [walks forward, Jackie follows] Uh, thanks man.

Jackie

OH, MY GOD!! I OWN A RECORD STORE!!

Hyde

No, I own a record store.

Actually, I own a record store.

Jackie

I OWN ONE-THIRD OF A RECORD STORE!! [giggles]

Moving Angie here is gonna work out for everybody. See, I just got into this real snotty country club and they don't think I'm gonna be there much but I'm gonna be there all day everyday and I'm bringing friends so I need somebody around here looking after things...while I'm out making white people uncomfortable.

Hyde

I thought you left town.

Jackie

Why? Because you're so amazing and incredible that I simply couldn't exist in the same town as you knowing you couldn't make a commitment?

Hyde

No, because you wrote me a note saying that you left town.

Jackie

Oh.

Kelso

Want me to cover you up with the stinky blanket?

Hyde

Would you guys get lost?

Fez

Oh, you want your privacy. I understand. We're just gonna go upstairs and listen through the vent.

Hyde

So, what are you doing here, Jackie? You got something you wanna say to me?

Jackie

Yes, I wanted to say that I'm leaving for real this time.

Hyde

So, you came back to tell me that you're leaving again?

Jackie

Yes, but this is good-bye.

Hyde

Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, then.

Jackie

Steven, I'm serious.

Hyde

So, want to hang out next week?

Jackie

I'm going. [walks away, then turns around] Unless... Unless, Steven, there's something you'd like to say. In which case, I'm listening.

Hyde

Yeah. Have a good trip.

Jackie

I will.

Kelso

[shouting from outside] Can you guys stand closer to the vent and talk louder?

Eric

Hello?

Jackie

Hey, Eric? It's Jackie.

Eric

Uh-huh.

Jackie

Look, I just realized you're about to leave for Africa, and I won't get a chance to say good-bye in person. That makes me sad. I mean, you've always been very special to me.

Eric

Okay, Jackie, if there's a gun to your head, say the word cream cheese.

Jackie

No, Eric, I'm just gonna miss you is all, okay? So just take care of yourself in Africa.

Eric

Okay. I will. Wait, you want to talk to who? You want to tell him you love him? Well, I don't know. You guys didn't really leave on the best of terms. Okay. Dad, telephone!

Jackie

[rants off at bar patrons] Ah come back here! Nobody ignores Jerky Backhart! I am adorable! I am engaging and I'm DAMN likeable. And if you're too stupid to see that, then I feel sorry for you! [her dress slips off her shoulder] 'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention here, it's me.

Donna

Jackie! [tries to cover Jackie up]

Jackie

Get off me! [Donna whispers something in her ear] What the hell is a "boobs out"? [looks down] AAARRGGHHHH!!!!

Kelso

Jacqueline Burkhart, will you marry me?

Jackie

Oh, Michael, no!

Kelso

No?

Jackie

No!

Kelso

Jackie, you just made me the happiest man on earth! I cant believe I wanted to marry you! That was my worst idea ever! And I had some really bad ideas. I mean, a Firecracker Suit -- come on! What the hell was THAT?!?

Hyde

The best fourth of June ever, that's what.

Kelso

I can't believe it's our last circle before I go. Wait a minute... Oh! Now I get why we call it a circle! THAT IS FREAKING AWESOME!

Jackie

You know, Michael, I will always remember you as the first boy who kissed me… and proposed to me, and told me that putting out makes your nails grow. I really believed you.

Donna

Kelso, I'm kinda gonna miss you constantly trying to grab my boob. You made me feel pretty. ...I am messed up.

Fez

Donna, I give you my word. I will always be here, trying to grab your boob. We'll do it for Kelso...[tears up] who won't be here to do it anymore. Oh, God!

Hyde

Man... Kelso, this is weird. I always imagined our last moment together would be me... watching you strapped to a homemade rocket, flailing around in circles screaming, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

Kelso

Well, guess this is goodbye. ...Man, I'm gonna miss this. Like, being down here, I've had, like, the best time of my life. And you know what? No matter where I live, I will love you guys forever. [pause] Well, guess it's time to go. So... see ya.

Jackie

Bye, Michael.

Donna

Wow. He's really gone.

Fez

[holding back tears] My beautiful tormentor!

Hyde

This sucks.

Kelso

[runs back inside] I'm not leaving til tomorrow! [points at Fez] And you were crying! BURN!

Fez

First, let me grab your melons.

Jackie

Ooh, aren't they nice and firm?

Fez

Yeah, here grab my banana.

Jackie

Ooh, it's so big.

Okay, you perverts, stop it right now! Fruit salad again? Why can't they ever be having sex?

Jackie

[entering the basement] So you guys-[screams] WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DOING HERE?!

Donna

We stole Fatso the Clown! And now we're gonna...uhm...what do we do with a stolen clown?

Hyde

[in starting a Circle] THIS is what we do with a stolen clown. Actually, this is what we do without a stolen clown. It always comes back to this.

[Randy providing voice] Hohohohohohohoho. Thanks for bringing me here you guys!

Randy

So Fatso, now that you're free, is there anything we can do for ya?

Huhuh yeah. Find me a really trashy clown-hooker with nice long legs and a pair of double D [honks horn].

Randy

I found this in the garage.

Fez

Oh Randy, you think you are so funny [sniggers] That was funny.

Jackie

Look at that freaky-ass clown. It's just staring at me...he doesn't even blink...

Donna

It's because he likes you. He loves you. He wants to marry you and then..KILL YOU! [Jackie screams loud]

Jackie

Oh my God Fez, listen to what Donna wrote, it's from a few weeks ago: "Hyde hired this new guy Randy at the record-store. And he's really cute." Donna thinks Randy is cute! Can you believe this?!

Fez

Jackie you shouldn't be reading that! [takes the diary and puts it in a drawer] It's a complete invasion of privacy. [fidgets with her mirror] Oh if I get just the right angle on this mirror...I can see Donna when she sleeps...

Kitty

[making tequila from a blender] I can't believe Fez was seduced by that cradle-robbing slut. [hands the blender to Donna] You girls throw it around like football players, couldn't one of you have slept with him?

Donna

[drinking from the blender and giving it to Jackie] Mrs. Forman, you need to understand something. Fez is a deviant weirdo. We're just glad he is doing it with a person and not a couch a tree or my pillow.

Kitty

After all I have done for that boy, he has the nerve to say you're not my mother. If that's even what he said. Because...who can understand anything that comes out of that ungrateful marsh-mouth.

Jackie

[drinks] Wow. Fez and an older divorced woman. [hands the blender to Kitty] You know, if I were a divorced older woman, I would take everything from my ex-husband. SUFFER, YOU CHEATING BASTARD! Haa! Can't wait to be divorced.

Kitty

Well, if he doesn't want me mothering him, fine I'm done! Next Christmas, his stocking will not be hung by the chimney with care. It will be tossed in the garbage with...with...hair! [takes a sip] This place uses too much ice! [pours in the rest of the tequila]