[Red and Kitty talk to Eric over his masturbation]
KittyWhen you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time. But that's okay, because it's natural. Red, tell him it's natural.
Kitty
But why wouldn't you lock the door?
How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?
Kitty
You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!
If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without. In Korea I went for two and a half years.
Dad, you were there for three. [Kitty looks at Red]
Kitty
[holding a Darth Vader action figure] Eric, were you playing in the bathtub with your little doll?
ACTION FIGURE! [looks at the action figure] Oh, no.
In the tub, Forman? It's getting really hard to be your friend.
[Hyde leaves the breakfast table with Kelso]
Forman, your bachelor party's tonight. We're going to a strip club, so don't forget your inhaler.
Come on, Hyde. I don't need a silly bachelor party.
Oh, come on, man. It'll be one last night of the finest debauchery that Point Place has to offer.
Hyde, all I need is my sweetie here for the rest of my life.
It's alright, Eric. You can go.
Alright! I'm gonna see nudies!
Kitty
[walks into the kitchen] Oh, Eric, you're not going to one of those hoochie mama shows, are you?
Don't worry, Mrs. Forman. I'll return your son in the same slightly girly condition that he leaves in.
[Hyde is in the hospital after falling off the water tower while with Donna]
Hyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.
Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.
Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.
[enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.
And you brought me flowers?
No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?
Kitty
Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]
[Red talks to Kitty over her reading The Joy of Sex]
Kitty, we don't need The Joy Of Sex.
Kitty
Well, why not? It's not dirty. This book...it doesn't even have photographs, just sketches.
But they're so detailed. They draw in every single part. And it's not to scale.
Kitty
[browses book] Oh, here's a fun idea. Ahahaha! Okay. Instead of throwing away our old dish towels, we can use them as blindfolds and play a sexy bedroom version of Marco Polo. Ahahahaha! Oh, come on. Don't you want to be one of those fun, older couples?
Kitty, I want us to grow old and withdraw into ourselves.
[enters kitchen] Hey, what's for lunch?
Kitty
Well, I was thinking of making something, but that would mean I would have to look at a cookbook, and I don't like to learn new things from books.
Yeah, so is lunch off or, uhm... I mean, what's the lay of the lunch land here?
I don't see why I have to read a book on bodily functions. I've never read a book on eating, yet I'm extremely well fed.
But I'm not. Could I, like... seriously, like a sandwich or...
Kitty
Well, you know what? Nobody is eating unless you give this book a try. Until then I quit cooking! [leaves]
[to Red] - I can't believe that I'm saying that, but please make kinky sex with my mother!
[Kitty is sifting for records at Hyde and Angie's music store, Grooves]
Kitty
Steven, I can't believe you thought I'd like these Sex Pistols. [returns copy of Never Mind the Bollocks LP to Hyde]
I'm sorry Mrs. Forman, [sighs] I'll make it up to you. Have you ever heard of a band called Judas Priest?
Kitty
Well that's what Judas needed, a priest [laughs and looks at record] Are they spiritual?
I listen to them every Sunday.
I'm spending the day ice fishing. [puts on hat]
Kitty
Well, I'll come with you. Grab a fishing stick for me!
[takes off hat] I don't wanna go.
Kitty
What? Why not?
Because I don't want you to go.
[mimics loading a shotgun] BURN!
Really. I mean, Kitty, you'd hate it. It's cold and boring. And we both know the only ice you like is in your cocktails.
[Red, Kitty, Donna, and Kelso find Eric's Vista Cruiser, abandoned]
Okay, we're gonna use my Police Academy training to figure out what happened here ... first thing I'm gonna need is for everyone to lie face down with your hands behind your head.
Kitty
What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers? They're gonna kill him, he can't do anything!
I told him this was a stupid idea and now were stuck out here in the middle of nowhere ... my foot is shaking it wants to kick his ass so bad. [Kitty shakes head]
[walks to Kitty and Red] I never should have let Eric go on this trip ... I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex [Kitty and Red look at her] ... I mean, scrabble.
Kitty
Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn't have to worry [Donna's eyes open wide]
[after analyzing car] Okay, I think it's obvious [stands] what happened to Eric ... [points around] we got an abandoned car, a flat tire, and footprints heading off in that direction. Mrs. Forman, your son's been kidnapped by coyotes. [Donna, Kitty, and Red are not satisfied with his analysis]
Isn't it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn't change it himself and went off to find some help.
And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.
[Kitty sees Red surrounded by girls in bikinis at the grand opening of his muffler shop]
Kitty
OH, MY GOD!
Kitty
Well, I hope you’re happy, Red Forman, because we are leaving! [to Hyde and Jackie] You two, get your A-S-Ses back to the car! [to the girls in bikinis] You two, get your B-O-O-Bs off my husband!
[Later, Kitty berates Red for his behavior in his car]
Kitty
How could you, Red Forman?! Steven stayed with Jackie, but you went off and gave my funnel cake to those whores!
I was just trying to have a little fun!
Kitty
Oh, yeah?! Well, you can take your fun and shove it up your—
[Red honks his car horn to block out Kitty's cursing]
[Eric tries to explain a career choice the school suggested for him to Red, Kitty, and Donna]
Okay, there's this program, where you teach impoverished children for a year, and they pay for your college! I signed up!
Kitty
That's wonderful!
See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best. [smiles] You're welcome.
Kitty
So, what impoverished area will you go to? [gasps] Is it east Milwaukee? [looks at Red for a second] I made a wrong turn there once and I ended up in an awful neighborhood...there were kids playing radios on a street corner. [Red shakes his head]
[smiling] No, I'm not going to Milwaukee.
Kitty
Africa, Wisconsin?
[Red and Kitty scold Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso after Red discovers the Circle]
I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years! I wish I had 2,000 feet, so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!
Kitty
I'm shocked. The basement door closes, and out come the lighters and the drugs, and I am sure Donna's bouncing around there without a bra! It's like Amsterdam down there!
[to Fez]Did someone shove a vacuum up your nose and suck out your last and lonely brain cell?
[Fez pretends to grab Kitty's breast]
Kitty
What is going on in your head? I am so disappointed in you boys. And here I thought it was my dryer that made our clothes smell funny.
[Hyde tilts his head in a high stupor and drools at a Twinkie on the cabinet next to Red]
Who taught you how to do this? Huh? Was it those damn Beatles? All you need is love? All you need is a job and a haircut!
[Red scolds Kelso and points to him]
And you! [Kelso imagines Kitty's and Red's heads switching each other's bodies while high] Wipe that stupid smirk off you, dopey, dope-fiend face!
Kitty
Do you know what drugs do to you? They shrink your brain until one day you wake up, and you think you're superman and you can fly, and then you wind up jumping off the roof in your underpants.
Oh, this idiot doesn't need drugs for that. He does that every Saturday. [Kelso laughs and nods] Well, this is the worst thing that you have ever done! Eric, I am gonna make you... I am going to... well, I can't think of anything worse than sending you to Africa. You're going to Africa!
[Kelso, Fez, and Donna forgot to bring beer. Charlie gives them a six-pack]
How much do we love this guy?
Charlie, it is so awesome hanging out with you.
CCharlie
Ah thanks guys, it feels so good to finally belong to something you know. It's like the first day of the rest of my life! [ leans against the railing, which breaks] WHOOHOO!
THE BEER! [gang looks down and hears a thud]
That was a pretty awkward landing...I hope he's okay.
Of course he's okay. It's not like anyone ever died falling off the water tower.
Kitty
[narrating to tape recorder, in kitchen]...And so they renamed it the Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.
[Kitty is enraged that her friend Marcia is dating Fez]
Kitty
[making tequila from a blender] I can't believe Fez was seduced by that cradle-robbing slut. [hands the blender to Donna] You girls throw it around like football players, couldn't one of you have slept with him?
[drinking from the blender and giving it to Jackie] Mrs. Forman, you need to understand something. Fez is a deviant weirdo. We're just glad he is doing it with a person and not a couch a tree or my pillow.
Kitty
After all I have done for that boy, he has the nerve to say you're not my mother. If that's even what he said. Because...who can understand anything that comes out of that ungrateful marsh-mouth.
[drinks] Wow. Fez and an older divorced woman. [hands the blender to Kitty] You know, if I were a divorced older woman, I would take everything from my ex-husband. SUFFER, YOU CHEATING BASTARD! Haa! Can't wait to be divorced.
Kitty
Well, if he doesn't want me mothering him, fine I'm done! Next Christmas, his stocking will not be hung by the chimney with care. It will be tossed in the garbage with...with...hair! [takes a sip] This place uses too much ice! [pours in the rest of the tequila]
[Red and Kitty try to sleep, but couldn't do it with Hyde and Samantha arguing at Laurie's room]
Why the hell did you turn the TV on?!
SSam
To drown out your snoring!
I was snoring to drown out your talking!
Kitty
[gets up] Okay. I can't put up with those two fighting anymore. It's like living with a couple of Italians! [leaves room]
Oh yeah. We moved two fighting morons into an adjacent room and now we can't sleep. Who could have seen this coming...
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
