Kitty Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Jackie

Hiiii, uh, I'm here to see Christine St. George.

Do you have an appointment?

Jackie

No, but I am her biggest fan and I would love to be her co-anchor.

Okay, have a seat and a psychiatrist will be right with you.

Kitty

Oh please Miss, couldn't you just let us in for two minutes?

I got a better idea. How about if I let you in for no minutes?

Jackie

Please? Please could you let us in? I know I have what it takes to be on TV and I just need to demonstrate my talents to Christine.

Kitty

Oh and I just want an autograph. Or a souvenir. Ahaha! She made cheesecake on yesterday's show, is that around?

You really want to get in huh? Okay, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.

Kitty

Six.

You got it!

Kitty

Ohhh! [claps hands and jumps for joy]

Jackie

So does that mean that we can go in?!

No. That's the number of cops I'm gonna call if you don't beat it.

Jackie

But..I'm supposed to be her co-anchor!

And I'm supposed to be Brooke Shields. Ain't life a bitch?

Red

Will you Just Listen?!

Kitty

Oh, Red. I'd love to talk to you, but I have to check the pressure in my tires.

Hyde

Hey Red. Kitty told Sam the presents weren't for her and I'm kind of in trouble. I got us each a bouquet of flowers for the ladies.

Red

Kitty! I got you roses! (to Hyde) See how it feels, dumbass?!

Kitty

You buy my gifts in bulk? [referring to Red's Emergency presents stash]

Red

No, it's more of a.... vast inventory of love. [pause]

Kitty

Well, you're about to get a vast inventory of MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS! [Red looks stunned] Yeah, I can do that too!

Kitty

Ooh, this pineapple reminds me of Donna. It's a little tart.

Bob

Hey, don't call my daughter names, you can call me names. I really wish you wouldn't.

Kitty

Why, I just..., I don't know what she sees in Randy. He's so charming, and, and friendly, and always willing to lend a helping hand. What a jackass.

Bob

Well, I like him. He calls me Mr. P. Where did he come up with that one?

Red

Kitty, if Donna's going to date anyone, why not him? I mean, he's bright, he's good with tools, and most important, he has never once tried to teach me the Ways of the Jedi.

Kitty

Wait a minute. You like Randy, too?

Red

Well, I'm just saying. I don't hate him as much as I hate most people.

Kitty

Well you have said a lot of hurtful things, but this is the worst! (she walks away)

Red

Kitty?

Bob

She's crazy. This pineapple's delicious.

Kitty

Well that is wonderful news. Oh and you know what this means? We can bring back fried cheese friday!

Red

It's not good news Kitty. I just bought a four month supply of heart pills I don't need now. That's 200 bucks down the crapper.

Hyde

Why don't you just sell 'em? You know, there's a seedy subculture that buys drugs for recreation... I saw one time on an after school special...

Kitty

Well you can't sell drugs, it's illegal. And it should be, because people shouldn't have easy access to addictive substances that dull their senses...[takes a bottle of gin and a glass] I will be in the bath.

Hyde

You know man, you can sell those pills.

Red

No I can't.

Hyde

Yes you can, you just have to find the right market.

Red

Well who the hell is gonna want a bunch of heart pills?

Hyde

Anybody here take procardiacs? [Men raise their hands] The doctor is in!

Kitty

Bob, Red has something he’d like to say to you. [to Red] Go ahead.

Red

Bob... I’m sorry that I said your idea is stupid.

Kitty

And…

Red

And the next time you have a stupid idea, I’ll just keep my mouth shut.

Bob

You know what, Red? I really don’t give a damn what you think. All these years I’ve had to put up with you cutting me down, calling me dumbass... Well, guess what?! YOU’RE THE DUMBASS! YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A CRANKY FUCK WHO THINKS HIS SHIT DON’T STINK! SO YOU CAN BLOW IT OUT YOUR FUCKING ASS! [pause; Red looks shocked] What? What, you wanna hit me?! Go ahead, you bald fuck! Well, go ahead! Do it! I’m not afraid of you! In fact, I’ll kick your bony fucking ass right now!!

Red

[pause; looks at Kitty briefly] Bob, you’ve got some nerve. Good for you! It’s about time you stuck up for yourself and acted like a man.

Bob

I’m sorry, Red! It just slipped out! [hugs Red]

Kitty

Red, I don't wanna move. [Red is nonplussed] I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move, you've been so happy and smiling and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer... Red, this is my home. I don't wanna leave.

Red

[holds Kitty's hand] Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I am with you.

Kitty

Really?

Red

[softly] Of course. [Kitty hugs him from behind.] I love you.

Kitty

Oh, I love you, too.

Red

I was talking to the tickets.