[Eric and Donna are browsing the classified ads for places to rent near UW-Madison]
Eric, this place has a washer and dryer!
EricWait. A washer and free water? My God, its like there's no reason to come home!
[Kitty laughs] Excuse me. [walks outside to Red who is fixing the car] A washer and dryer, Red! They are going to have a washer and dryer! That redheaded harlot is going to be Shouting out my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing! I bought sparklers for the fourth of July! He loves sparklers and now he's leaving and what are we going to do for THE FOURTH OF JULY?!
Uhh... [smiling] There's a car show in Kenosha.
A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in FUCKING KENOSHA! I just want three more fucking months with my baby boy, and now they're gone because of your bullshit! WAY TO GO DUMBASS! [storms back to house]
[Eric and Donna try to scare everyone during their campfire]
Okay. I'm gonna freak everyone out and tell my ghost story, so go hide in the woods and jump out when I get to the end.
Eric
[in a British accent] You are as wicked as you are gorgeous.
[Eric gets up and leaves]
You know... it really creeps me out being out here after what happened to those kids.
A bunch of kids just like us were camping out up here, [turns on flashlight pointed at her face] and they disappeared. And all the police could find were these bloody drag marks that led down to the lake. It was like... it was like something killed them, and then pulled them in.
Maybe it was the Loch Ness Monster.
No, Fez. The Loch Ness Monster's in Africa.
So the police, like, searched the lake with their sonar and stuff. And when they played back the tapes all they could hear in the background was, like, a whisper.
[scarily; points flashlight at Kelso] "I am the Lady of the Lake. I am the Lady of the Lake." Yeah, and you'll know when she's coming because she screams before she kills. Let's see if we can hear her. [pause] I said, Let's see if we can hear her!
Eric
D–Donna, I'm stuck in a thornbush.
I heard her! She's stuck in a thornbush!
Eric
It was awful. I saw Laurie, and everything just went blank, and I just ran. I just ran away. And then I heard these high-pitched screams.... and it was me.
Yeah? Well, I've got bigger problems. Fez is a good artist. He's gonna paint me onto a nudie poster, and sell it to every gaucho in Argentina, or wherever the hell he's from. Eric, I'm gonna be Ms. Nude Argentina.
You know, being here under the stars, sitting on the grass... makes me really glad I'm not poor.
Check out that fire, baby. Yeah, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's turning a small fire into a big fire. Man, that one guitar-shaped log is roarin'! [looks more closely into the fire] What the... Is that my guitar?!
[Eric is mad at Kelso for leaving the van unattended, thus making the gang miss their graduation ceremony]
Eric
What kind of a moron leaves the keys in the ignition?!
When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge! GOD!
Eric, we have to keep your father calm -- so no shenanigans.
Eric
Oh, Mom, I haven't shenaniganned in six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-do-welled. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.
Now, let's get you upstairs for your nap. And Eric, he needs quiet, so no shenanigans.
Eric
Mom, please. I haven't shenaniganned in about six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-done-well. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.
[Jackie and Hyde are making out on Donna's bed]
Steven, I am so glad we are back together. I thought I lost my pudding pop forever.
You wanna hear something sick? I actually missed you calling me pudding pop. [They continue making out and Donna and Eric come in]
How many times have I told you guys not to make out on my bed? You guys are like cats; you don't even listen. [sprays Jackie and Hyde with water]
You're leaving tonight so technically this isn't your bed anymore. Besides I just can't keep my hands off my puddin' pop.
DEDonna and Eric
Puddin' Pop?
Is that supposed to be me? I never had that name before in my life.
[In the circle]
We should think about getting her something else. What do you think Puddin' pop?
Why does everyone keep callin' me that? My name's not Puddin' pop! I never heard that name before in my life! Forman's dead.
Hey, you guys think that's funny you should hear what Steven calls me. He calls me his- [Hyde shoves a piece of cake in her face] Hey! Oh hey, that's some good cake!
[Two girls approach Eric]
RGRandom Girl #1
Oh, my God, Eric Forman! I love your shirt.
Eric
Really? I wore this shirt for four years and no one said a thing.
RGRandom Girl #2
I guess now you really fill it out!
Eric
Thanks. I'm, like, up to 17 push-ups a night, so..
RGRandom Girl #2
No, I don't think that's it. I think it's because you're not a high school boy any more.
RGRandom Girl #1
You're 18 now; you've seen and done it all.
Eric
No, no, I... Well, yes, yes, I have! [Kelso pulls Eric away.]
You better watch out, okay? Girls are talking to you. I think there might be a practical joke in the works.
Eric
No, man, I don't think so. I think it's because I graduated. Hyde, am I cool now?
Well, you're cool like margarine is butter... close, but there's a little aftertaste.
Eric
[after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.
Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.
Eric
Wait, but Dad...
No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.
[after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!
Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?
I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.
Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]
All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.
Eric
But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]
Hey look Fez, just like your frog.
Ah, well. It was broken anyway.
Eric
No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.
Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.
Get under the sink and loosen that disposal so we can get to the pipes.
Eric
Under there? But... it-it's all spidery.
Get under there or you're gonna get a spider the size of my foot in your ass!
Eric
I just realized something. After all the years of me helping you fix stuff, you finally have to hold a flashlight for me. Lower, dumbass! [laughs]
[Eric, Hyde, and Kelso have a Circle while raiding the police academy's main office]
Eric
These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!
[wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!
Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.
[Eric laments about accidentally seeing Kelso's van plunge from Mt Hump]
Eric
Man, poor Kelso's van. When it finally landed, it didn't so much crash, it just completely separated into basic elements and just returned to nature.
So sad, there were Tootsie Rolls everywhere.
[Kelso introduces a fellow cadet to the gang]
Hey, guys. This is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a good look, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
SSSuzy Simpson
You're right. This one [points to Hyde] looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do To You" filmstrip.
You're a cop, huh. You kinda looked like a cop. You look kinda giggly.
Look, alright. Simpson needed to get me a ride home 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it would feel like.
Eric
Hey, so Suzy, which Charlie's Angels is your favorite? The brainy one? The sporty one? Or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.
SSuzy
Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge. No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Hey, those sluts are my heroes.
Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
SSuzy
We back up our own.
KSKelso and Suzy
Point! Place! Police! Court! Freeze! Said Freeze!
[Red and Eric are trying role-playing to help lower Red's stress.]
[imitating Eric] I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything!
Eric
[imitating Red] Well I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight feet in eight different asses! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[imitating Eric] Star Wars Star Wars, Star Wars!
Eric
[imitating Red] Dead Commies, dead Commies, dead Commies!
Eric, I can’t believe you knocked up a girl, too! I mean, you lose points for not doing it in a public place, but hey! Give me five!
Eric
Kelso, I don’t really think this is a “give me five” moment, okay? I am really freaked out! ...Well, right now I’m not so much freaked out as starving, and... fascinated by your nose!
Yeah, it’s perfect. You’d be amazed at what I can fit up in there. But the important thing is that you have responsibilities now, so you gotta step up like I did.
Look, if you mean you stepped up on a urinal to climb out of a window to get away from the girl you got pregnant... Then, yeah, you stepped up.
Eric
[notices Fez’s absence in the circle] Still no Fez, huh? Wow, Kelso, you really must have pissed him off. He hasn’t stayed away this long since he discovered bubble baths.
Yeah, Fez still isn't talking to me. But I think he's calling, 'cause every once in a while, I pick up the phone and all I hear is breathing, and the crinkle of a candy being unwrapped.
Man, we are sitting in the circle talking about relationships! What happened to us?! This stash must be from California.
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
