Jack O'Neill quotes from Stargate SG-1

How did it go?

Teal'c

[in Col. O'Neill's body] It did not go well, Gen. Hammond.

Col. O'Neill

[in Teal'c's body, sarcastically] Ya think?

Col. O'Neill

Describe for me... the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out.

Dr. Jackson

[In Ma'chello's body] I don't have a sister, Jack. And if I did, I wouldn't let you near her.

Col. O'Neill

[In Teal'c's body] Teal'c, what are you doing?

Teal'c

[In Jack's body] If I am to remain in this body, I must shave my head

Col. O'Neill

[In Teal'c's body] You're making a joke, right?

Teal'c

[In Jack's body] I am not joking.

Col. O'Neill

[In Teal'c's body] Teal'c, you will not shave my head!

Teal'c

[In Jack's body] It is presently my head, O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill

[In Teal'c's body] Teal'c, this is only temporary!

Teal'c

[In Jack's body] And if it is not?

Col. O'Neill

[In Teal'c's body] Just give them a chance to find Daniel, okay? Teal'c, I'm going to see General Hammond. Promise me you won't touch the head until I get back.

Dr. Jackson

Well, I have to admit this is one of the stranger cultures I've ever seen. As far as I can tell, they're communal, but there's very little sign of actual social communication. I haven't seen any tools or signs of a functional civilization.

Col. O'Neill

So they're a little less evolved than we are.

Dr. Jackson

Well, we don't wanna jump to any conclusions. Remember the Nox.

Capt. Carter

And they did build these...homes.

Col. O'Neill

That's a kind appraisal. What about the UAV?

Dr. Jackson

Well, I've tried everything I know about rudimentary communication, and to be honest, I've had more successful conversations with dogs.

Col. O'Neill

So...

Dr. Jackson

So they're probably a little less evolved than we are.

Col. O'Neill

Well, we're not gonna stand around doing nothing.

Dr. Jackson

We're not doing nothing.

Col. O'Neill

You're videotaping a plant.

Dr. Jackson

Well, I think this might be important.

Col. O'Neill

Well, I think you might be losing what's left of your mind.

Dr. Jackson

[Pause] ... What's that supposed to mean?

Col. O'Neill

It means that on a good day, you can be a little flaky.

Dr. Jackson

And on a good day you can be a little ignorant and condescending.

Col. O'Neill

Not condescending. You're obviously misreading a basic philosophical difference in opinion on how to handle a crisis.

Dr. Jackson

Oh, please! We have a-a difference of opinion on just about everything.

Col. O'Neill

Gimme an example.

Dr. Jackson

I dunno, pick something! How about -- how about mythology?

Col. O'Neill

Rumors, lies, fairytales.

Dr. Jackson

[Finally losing it, jumping around in a frustrated circle] Y'see?! See? See? See? See?? See?? Mythology is one of the primary motivations for cultural development!

Col. O'Neill

Maybe it is; what's that got to do with filming a plant?!

Dr. Jackson

Exactly!

Col. O'Neill

What does that mean?!

Dr. Jackson

I don't know!

Dr. Jackson

Y'know I thought the alien on the video looked fairly docile, more curious than harmful.

Col. O'Neill

I thought it looked... bald, white and naked.

So this inaudible sound was making you sick, but not in the same way that it was affecting the aliens? They need the sound to live but we altered it by harming the organism that makes the sound?

Col. O'Neill

Sounds right.

Col. O'Neill

The plant is making that sound?!

Capt. Carter

Sir, it's an alien organism on another planet.

Col. O'Neill

Good point.

Mother says the boys of your culture don't cry.

Col. O'Neill

Not true! In fact there's an official list of reasons for which crying is a good thing.

Mother is leaving.

Col. O'Neill

See, that's a good reason. "Mom Leaving" is, I believe, number six on the list of good reasons. Actually, six is "Mom Says She's Leaving in a Couple of Days." Five is "Mom Leaving Immediately." Four, of course, is "Mom Already Left." Three—now, three is huge, one of the biggest ones on the list—

[While examining the monitor blasted by "Mother"] Theories? Suggestions?

Capt. Carter

Seems obvious this Re'tu exists.

Col. O'Neill

Well, here's a question: How do we deal with an invisible threat?

Capt. Carter

We need a way to detect them.

Col. O'Neill

That would be helpful.

[After the teams return from the Re'tu planet] So you would say threat assessment is high... [Turns to O'Neill]

Col. O'Neill

Oh yeah.

Capt. Carter

There were a lot of them, sir.

Teal'c

They are indeed invisible.

[in Russian] Вы советские шпионы? [Are you Soviet spies?]

Dr. Jackson

[in Russian] Нет. [No.]

Col. O'Neill

Daniel?

Dr. Jackson

He just asked if we were Soviet spies… oh.

Col. O'Neill

Nyet?!

What was the weapon you used?

Col. O'Neill

[innocently] Weapon?

Our cameras saw some sort of weapon.

Col. O'Neill

Oh. Well, it's hard to say.

Some sort of state secret?

Col. O'Neill

No, just difficult to pronounce.

I'm Major Robert Thornberg. And you are?

Col. O'Neill

Capt. James T. Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise.

Your dog tags say otherwise.

Col. O'Neill

They're lying.

You can either talk to me, or you can talk to the C-I-A.

Col. O'Neill

Hmmmm, Bob, can I call you Bob?

Even though you will achieve nothing.

Col. O'Neill

Unless that's exactly what we were trying to achieve.

Kirk, you can talk to me, or you can talk to the C.I.A.