[The scene opens up in front of Nickelodeon Animation Studios in Burbank, California, where a security guard is standing by the gate]
Last week, a never-before-seen episode of SpongeBob SquarePants was discovered under a desk at Nickelodeon Studios. [black and white footage of a large crowd of excited people is shown] Now all the world is waiting in fevered anticipation to watch... [the title appears on screen] the SpongeBob SquarePants Lost Episode. [an aerial shot of the town of Encino appears] Now, to present the Lost Episode, from Encino, California, the president of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club, Patchy the Pirate. [inside his house, Patchy is inside the shower, humming; Potty flies up]
Patchy, Patchy, the kids are here. [flushes the toilet]
PatchyWagh! [opens the curtain in panic] Hot! Hot! Hot! Potty, don't you know this is Patchy's private time? [looks at the camera] Oh, hello. Dahh! [covers himself with the curtain] What are you all doing here?
They're here to see the lost episode. Brawk!
Patchy
But I haven't got the lost episode because I... well, I lost it. [breaks down sobbing]
CChildren
[off-screen] No, Patchy, please! Don't say that, Patchy. Please!
Patchy
But it is. It's lost and I have no idea where it is, so it's best if you forget all about old SpongeBob. [shuts the curtain and wails. Cuts to a montage of SpongeBob's greatest moments]
Patchy
I don't believe I lost "The Lost Episode". [screws in his peg leg] I never lose anything.
Patchy
Hey, it's a map. It's a map to the lost episode of "SpongeBob" I lost.
Patchy
[grabs the popcorn] This is gonna be great. [a countdown, starting at ten, appears on the screen] I can't believe it, more SpongeBob. [starts eating the popcorn; the countdown makes its way down to five] This is so exciting! [laughs, shaking the popcorn, which flies everywhere; the countdown ends] Here it comes.
["Walk Cycles" begins on the TV screen; SpongeBob is walking down the road while techno music plays in the background; his body squishes up, then returns to normal; then, his body extends and his arms flail around; he returns to normal, then squishes up three times, shrinking smaller and smaller, in synchronization with the music; extends his body again; once again, squishes up smaller and smaller in synchronization with the music; extends his body again; starts running frantically while sweating and looking left to right; extends his body, this time with his tongue sticking out and flailing around; begins frantically running again; his limbs and body separate and his eyes pop out of his head; begins walking normally again; "Walk Cycles" ends; color bars appear on the TV, along with a beeping noise; Patchy and Potty stare blankly for a moment]
Patchy
That's it? That's the Lost Episode? That was just a bunch of cheap walk cycles!
What a rip. [This makes Patchy very angry.]
Patchy
[enraged] SpongeBob betrayed us! [disposes all of his SpongeBob merchandise as he breaks down in tears] I'm sorry I ever started this stupid fan club in the first place. I'm gonna get rid of all my SpongeBob stuff. All of it! All of it! [rips his underwear out of his pants] All of it! I'm gonna run away. That's what I'll do! Run away! [sobs as he runs out through the door]
AAnnouncer
And now the real Lost Episode.
[noticing the countdown is going to start] Patchy, come back, there's more.
Patchy
[realizes] Really? [goes back inside the house and reverses everything he did, then he sits back down] Hooray! Let's watch.
[last lines]
Patchy
No! [trying to stop the VHS tape reel from spitting out of the VCR] Stop, stop! Go back, infernal machine! [tangled up in black tape reels, television statics and Mariachi band members approach him] Oh, no. I've ruined the Lost Episode! Now it's lost forever!
Oh, boy. What a loser. Well, I guess the Lost Episode will remain lost but tape or no tape as long as there are stars in the sky, SpongeBob will always live in our hearts and in our minds. [a constellation of SpongeBob appears] Now get lost. I mean, bye. No, really. Get lost.
[first lines]
[We see a live traffic jam on a busy expressway. Patchy is in one of the cars in it. He is also wearing sunglasses.]
Patchy
Let's go! [honks his horn] Hey, kids. Rush hour traffic here in Encino is a real bringdown. [grumbles in frustration] A little music should soothe me jangled nerves. At least my in-dash hi-fi still works. [Patchy puts a cassette tape in the radio, which breaks and the music stops. Patchy shows the broken cassette tape.] Oh! Me ultra-rare "Frampton Comes Alive" 8-track destroyed! [Tosses it into the car] And I'm gonna miss the new SpongeBob cartoon if this traffic doesn't move soon! [Patchy growls and cries while he moans. Patchy's cell phone rings. The ringtone is SpongeBob's piccolo from the theme song] Who's calling? [answers the phone] Yes, Patchy here. Start squawkin'.
[squawks] Hey, Patchy, the new SpongeBob cartoon's about to start. Where are you, brawk?
Patchy
Stuck on the 101. Be a dear and record it for me, would you?
Oh, I threw out that old Betamax machine in the garbage. [squawks]
Patchy
You what?!
Patchy
Potty, you know how important this cartoon is to me. [someone honks his horn at him] Do you mind?! I'm trying to talk to my parrot! [the man looks at Patchy in shock as he gets back on his phone to talk to Potty] Sorry, Potty. Just some landlubber. [Potty hangs up] Potty? Hello, hello, hello, hello!? [looks at his phone's screen. It says "call dropped" with a Jolly Roger symbol; groans] Dropped again. [closes his phone] Curse this traffic! [the traffic starts moving again] Ooh! [pulls up his anchor, much to the man's confusion. He drives into a desert-like area] Arrgh! Home at last! What the--? [his eyes pop out from behind his pair of sunglasses, breaking them] Encino...it's gone. No! [sobs] You know, kids, this kinda reminds Patchy of an old story. Another story of a...lost city. Why don't you check it out? [as he continues sobbing] Oh, Encino.
[Patchy reappears]
Patchy
[realizes that there is no water left] This is the end of Patchy. No water, no food, and still no Encino. And here come the vultures to pick me bones! [Potty flies up] Shiver me timbers! It's Potty! I wonder what parrot tastes like... Come back here! Uh-oh. Here come the hallucinations.
[laughs] Patchy, it's me. SpongeBob SquarePants. [Patchy is excited and laughs weakly] Don't lose hope. Everything will be all right when you get to Encino.
Patchy
But, Encino is gone.
It's not gone, if you believe.
Patchy
Believe, believe. [falls asleep. Wakes up and reads the sign] Welcome to Encino! It's back! [hugs the sign] SpongeBob was right! All I had to do was believe! [laughs cheerfully]
♪You got to believe. It was out of sight. You got to believe. I'm back in Encino. You got to believe. Everything's all right. The sky above, and the ground below. Bring me back into Encino. It was lost, some time ago, I'm just glad to be back home. You got to believe. I'm back in Encino. You got to believe. Everything's all right. You got to believe. I'm back in Encino. You got to believe. Everything's all right.♪
[Patchy is shown playing an instrumental by a man and woman at a bench, annoying them and making the latter's baby cry. They walk away as the chorus joins back in]
♪You got to believe. I'm back in Encino. You got to believe. Everything's all right. You got to believe. I'm back in Encino. You got--♪
Patchy
[drops his ice-cream scoop and we hear strange sounds. Potty squawks, and then pokes Patchy] Ow! Ow! It was all a hallucination. Encino's still... gone! [Patchy groans] Ooh, a sandwich. Potty, you're a lifesaver. [opens a sandwich] Oh! Oh, Potty, you know I don't like mayo! [sees a vulture] Here, you want some? Go on. Uh... take it. I don't like the mayonnaise, you know. Once it gets up above 130, 135, the mayonnaise gets kind of... grody, you know.
[Patchy reappears]
Patchy
Pretty good story; eh, kids? [he bumps into something, revealing a glass-shaped dome with city things] I found Encino, but it's all tiny! Someone must've... [panics, sees aliens and screams]
NSNorblock's Mother
Sorry, sir. Our son Norblock Five was messing with his shrink-a-tron again.
Patchy
No, no, no! I want Encino full-sized again! There's no place like home. There's no place like home.
NSNorblock's Mother
Okay. Hand it over, Norblock-5. [Norblock Five pulls out a remote and gives it to his mother] We'll fix your town, beardy.
Patchy
Beardy? [the town grows]
[Patchy panics, and hollers in front of a gray sky background with objects]
[cues to a house in Encino]
Patchy
Well, looks like everything's back to the right size; eh, Potty? [Potty was nowhere to be seen] Potty? [a giant Potty foot crushes him] Well, kids. I'm a little busy right now, but be sure to come back real soon for more of your old pal Patchy! Ow! And more SpongeBob Squarepants! Potty, will you get off of me?
Patchy
For instance, did you know that SpongeBob was not the first choice to star in the show? [gasps] Hard to believe, I know. Watch these opening themes, and you'll see why he was eventually picked.
[The classic film countdown happens. Painty is shown.]
Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Squidward's house] ♪Who lives in a monument under the sea?♪
[The door opens and Squidward is shown with pants. He looks down in shock. Hans takes the pants off and Squidward smiles.]
KKids
♪Squidward Tentacles!♪ [Squidward falls into a bathtub and his head expands]
♪Obnoxious, abrasive, conceded is he!♪ [water comes out of Squidward's mouth and it covers the screen. One it clears, his name is shown in bubbles]
KKids
♪Squidward Tentacles!♪ [the name bubbles pop]
[as Squidward is shown four times riding his recumbent bicycle with part of his name behind each of the bikes] ♪If practical common sense be something you wish...♪
KKids
♪Squidward Tentacles!♪
Patchy
[off-screen] Neeext!
[The classic film countdown happens again. Painty is shown but with a different mouth.]
Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Patrick's house] ♪Who lives like a barnacle under the sea?♪
KKids
♪Patrick Sea Star!♪ [the rock opens and Patrick is shown in his underwear. Hans puts his pants on]
[laughs] Whoa! [falls and starts guffawing]
Patchy
[off-screen] Nope!
[The classic film countdown happens again and Painty is shown for the third time, but with another different mouth.]
Oh... [Bikini Atoll is shown. The bubble transition goes until it shows Mr. Krabs' house] ♪Who lives in an anchor under the sea?♪
KKids
[the door opens to show Mr. Krabs kissing a bag of money. Hans appears and pulls it away] ♪Eugene Krabs does!♪
♪Crusty and red and greedy is he.♪ [the scene shows Hans taking the bag away. Mr. Krabs is following him]
Come back with me money! [money starts to fall out and Mr. Krabs grabs it]
KKids
♪Eugene Krabs does!♪ [Mr. Krabs passes some money and goes back to it and picks it up]
♪If stingy and greedy is something you wish...♪
KKids
♪Eugene Krabs does!♪
Money, money, money, money, money, money.
Patchy
[the scene returns to him] Ugh. Pretty cruddy, huh, kids?
[A mail truck drives through the mountain range. Patchy is driving the truck. He appears to be parodying S.D. Kluger from the song "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town."]
PPPatchy the Pirate
Merry Christmas, kids! I bet you're wondering why ol' Patchy has this mail truck. Well, this year, I wanted to be absolutely sure Santa got me letter, so I gave Mr. Mailman the day off.
[He puts his pirate hat on the mailman tied up and gagged in the back of the truck, puts on his mailman hat and closes the door]
Do you even know how to get to the North Pole?
Patchy
Oh, Potty, you silly parrot. Everyone knows that the directions to the North Pole are in the lyrics of the song "Jingle Bells." ♪Dashing through the snow, in a... [Mumbles] Through the fields we go. Fa la la la la.♪ Okay. So we're looking for some fields here.
No, Patchy, the directions to the North Pole are in the song, "There Goes Santa Claus." ♪There goes Santa Claus. There goes Santa Claus. Left on Santa Claus Drive.♪ Scurvy brain.
Patchy
Yeah, well, we ain't turnin' till we see some fields.
Look out! There's a fork in the road!
Patchy
I don't see no fork.
[The truck spins after the fork gets caught in the tire and they both scream.]
Patchy
While we wait for the truck to stop spinning, let's see what SpongeBob is up to this Christmas.
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
