[The camera zooms in on Bikini Bottom and into a pineapple house. A stop-motion SpongeBob and a stop-motion Gary are sleeping. An alarm clock goes off and sleigh bells are heard instead of the foghorn noise. He wakes up.]
SSSpongeBob SquarePants
♪Oh, it's drawing very near. My favorite time of the year. [He jumps out of bed and up the ladder] The snow is falling and the cold wind blows. [He gets up on the diving board, and jumps on it] Christmas is almost here. [He jumps up, automatically removing his pajamas and changing into his square pants] And I know that Santa, Santa. Santa has his jolly little eyes on me! [He spins Christmas lights around his pineapple] It keeps me warm and filled with glee to know Santa has his eyes on me. I light my house like a Christmas tree. Fa la la la la la la la lee. 'cause Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little... [A Santa hat pops out of SpongeBob's head] Eyes on me.♪
[He walks over to a house where a stop-motion Squidward is putting up lights]
Hi, Squidward. What are you doing today?
SJSquidward J. Q. Tentacles
Stringing lights so Santa knows, in no uncertain terms... [turns on lights reading "GO AWAY"] ...To "GO AWAY"!
Okayy...[Skips up to a stop-motion Patrick next to a box on a stick tied with string to a cookie] ♪Santa, Santa, Santa has his jolly little eyes on me. He sees everything I do, with his left eye on me and his right eye on you!♪ [sees the box] Ooh, what's that?
PSPatrick Star
It's a trap! A trap for Santa!
Ooh, baited with Christmas treats?
Patrick[singing, to the "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" tune] I will trap Santa in my box, locked up like Fort Knox and make him stop the clocks, and then we'll have Christmas all... year... looo-ooo-ong! [sees the cookie meant as bait] Hey, a cookie! [gets trapped by himself, anyway, as a result]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
What was that?
BGBritish Gentleman
Why, those are the Dwastic Wadicals, the #1 practitioners of extweme spowts. [sips tea]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Extreme what?
BGBritish Gentleman
Extweme... spowts.
Patrick
"Extreme spots"? Well, that's no fair. You're already covers in extreme spots. Ooh, hold on a second. [hive buzzing, Patrick screaming, electricity crackling] Okay, let's do meet our new heroes.
BMBank Manager
Good morning, gentlemen. [SpongeBob and Patrick scream]
Patrick
We've been rumbled! Run! Scatter! Scamper! Save yourself!
BMBank Manager
What's all this about? [walks backwards to alarm button, SpongeBob pulls off ski mask.] May I help you with anything, sir?
Ah. Yes, I need to make a withdrawal. I need to withdraw one Mr. Krabs!
BMBank Manager
I assure you, Mr. SquarePants, we've received no such deposit. [opens vault]
I've gotcha now, money sucker! That does it, Lizard-breath! It's you or me, now! Just you and me! [wrestles the vacuum, and breaks it. Laughs evilly] Ooh! I conquered the money dragon! Victory! Woo!
BMBank Manager
Security! [security throws them out] And don't forget your… eh… deposit. [tosses penny at Mr. Krabs]
You know, boyo. Through this whole ordeal, I've learned a little something about greed. A little something about isolation. Heh. Even a little something about love. And you know what I realized through it all?
That you can't put a price on freedom?
Barnacles no, boy! I realized that they didn't pay interest on me deposit! [shakes fist] Hey, you cheapskates! Give me me interest! [a penny is thrown at Mr. Krabs] Well. What do you know? I doubled me money. [laughs as the episode ends]
That thing's eating Squidward!
Patrick
Not our bestest buddy! We gotta save him! Okay, play 33. I need you to go long. And... break. You're going down, Fisherman! [starts beating up Squidward's Fisherman costume while SpongeBob grabs Squidward's neck]
Don't worry, Squidward. We'll get you out of that old monster. Let's get to the window. [he and Squidward jump out of the window and Patrick throws heavy objects onto Squidward] Okay! I think you got it! [sirens sound; Squidward grumbles as he is taken into an ambulance] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, there, there, no need to thank us. We were only doing what friends to for the bestest buddy. Well, I guess we don't have to worry about that old monster anymore. [The Fisherman costume growls at them]
SPSpongeBob & Patrick
[scream and run into ambulance. The Fisherman costume falls down, revealing Gary]
Meow. [starts sleeping on the costume]
Alright guys, I hate to be a party pooper, but it's a little late for all this noise. Time to wrap it up.
G3Ghost 3
Oohh... big face doesn't want us as patrons anymore! How about we make like a tree... and leaf! [laughs]
Now wait just a minute, that is private property! Maybe you guys should leave!
G1Ghost 1
Oh yeah? [ghost vomits]
Do I have to call-- [gets vomited on] Eww... ectoplasm.
G1Ghost 1
Enough fooling around! How bout we have a good ol' time like we used to!? [ghosts chant as SpongeBob gasps. Ghosts destroy the Krusty Krab]
You better have a darn good reason for getting me outta bed! [ghosts continue partying inside as he gets slimed on]
Patrick
That good enough for ya? [SpongeBob screams]
Mr. Krabs! Patrick! Help!
Patrick
Sorry SpongeBob, but this is the part of the story where I run away again only this time I don't know where to run to, so I'm just gonna go circling around the building. [screams and starts running]
Looks like a certain foolish sponge has been conversin' with the unliving! All right you floating nuisances! Time for the bossman to mop up! [ghosts laughs] Batter up! H'ya! [whacks ghosts into bubble as a ghost roars] Yeah, and go back in which ye came! [pops bubble]
Never hold a séance, boy-o... without me permission, because ghosts are like relatives. Once you let them in, they never leave!
[Squidward is at the Krusty Krab]
Patrick
[comes in] I invented a game! I invented a game!
[doesn't want to know what the game is] Whoopee. Do tell.
Patrick
Well, you know how hard "Tic-Tac-Toe" is and how it always takes so long to play?
Patrick
Yeah! Well, I made it easier and faster!
[sighs] I know I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but what do you got?
Patrick
It's called "Tic-Tac"! [holds out a notebook] You start with four lines that are crossed. And then the first person puts an X. And then the next person puts an, uh... [thinks]
Patrick
Oh, yeah! An O! And the first person to get four in a row draws a line through them and says, "Tic-Tac"!. [rips off the paper and laughs] You start!
[Squidward draws an X then Patrick draws an O. Squidward draws another X and draws a line through them]
Patrick
Uh... [rips off another paper] Best two out of four?
[narrating time card] Many Tic-Tacs later...
[Squidward and Patrick had been playing "Tic-Tac" for a while. As they played one more time, Patrick becomes worried as Squidward draws in the notebook]
Patrick
I should've gone with my first idea: "Tic."
[The X's, O's, and the writing of the Galley Grub starts disappearing before the scene changes to Squidward riding his recumbent bicycle. Patrick runs up to him]
Patrick
Squidward, I got a new game! It's called "Rock, Paper, Butter"! [holds out a stick of butter melting in his hand]
Butter invent a different game! [laughs]
[Squidward rides away as Patrick eats the stick of butter and sulks sadly back home. The scene changes to Squidward watering his garden. Patrick shows up with two ropes. A long one and a short one]
Patrick
Squidward, I got it! [throws the ropes on the ground] Whose Rope Is Longer? You... [Squidward picks up the long rope before Patrick finishes] You played this before!
Patrick
Welcome, gamers! And behold! [thunderclaps] My game!
[Patrick's game board is made out of random board games and is shaped like Patrick himself]
[yawns] Are we finished? Who won? [Sandy, disgusted by Squidward's rude behavior, nudges him, much to Squidward's annoyance]
Patrick
[laughs] No, my friend. We have only just begun.
What's it called, Patrick?
Might I suggest "Garbage"? [Sandy growls at Squidward] What?
Yeah, Patrick. What's it called?
[As Patrick thinks, Mini Brain Patrick pushes a light bulb out of his head and it lights up.]
Patrick
It's called... "Patrick!!" [thunderclaps]
Could we just get started already? I'm late for my coma. [still annoyed by Squidward, Sandy zips Squidward's mouth shut]
Hey, Squidward, you finally understand the rules!
Oh, I get the rules alright. The rules are that it doesn't matter what anybody rolls! You can just make up whatever it means! [takes the dice and rolls them] So I could just roll the dice and say, "Automatic Winner!"
Good job, Squidward! You've won!
Huh? Oh, you know what, you're right. That was a good play.
Patrick
Not so fast! [writes on his rule card] No player may declare himself "Automatic Winner."
You did it again. [becomes furious] You made up another rule! THIS GAME IS THE WORST! STUPID GAME! [Infuriated with Patrick's constant rules, he attacks Patrick. SpongeBob and Sandy run off while he grabs Patrick's game board and shakes it off of Patrick. Then he throws Patrick in the air and when Patrick landed, the game breaks in half. Squidward then puts a piece of the game board in his mouth and shakes his head like a dog. He stomps on it with both feet out of insane anger. However, the police arrives at the scene]
HSHighway Speed Patrol
Destruction to private property. [Patrick, who's visibly enraged at Squidward for destroying his game, writes on his rule card and gives it to the police. Squidward tries to walk away but Nancy O'Malley and the Highway Speed Patrol follow him] Oh, and I see here you are a repeat offender. You're going to real jail. [he and Nancy O'Malley grab Squidward and throw him in the police car]
Anything to get out of this game! Thanks, Officers! [however, the blue cellmate comes back inside the box]
BCBlue Cellmate
Welcome back!
Somebody say my name! [the police car drives away]
Patrick
[appears on a game board box; to the viewers] GAME OVER!
[the episode ends]
SpongeBob, you old patty junkie! Welcome home son! [SpongeBob glances at Patrick]
Patrick
It's okay, I hate work anyway. [everyone laughs]
Patrick
No really, I do hate work! [everyone laughs even harder, even Patrick starts laughing] Everybody's laughing! Oh hey SpongeBob, I got something for ya!
[Patrick gives SpongeBob two thumbs-ups, as well as SpongeBob. The crowd cheers, SpongeBob's and Patrick's thumbs launch into the air, and explode and the episode ends]
Looks like you sponges have everything covered.
MTMe Two
Mm-hmm! [suddenly turns pale]
Hey, you don't look so good. Can I take you home? Where do you live?
MTMe Two
I came from the Chum Bucket.
[realizing] The Chum Bucket?
♪I'm going to know the formula! I'm going to know the formula...♪
Plankton! [Plankton halts before him] Me Two says you made him in a copy machine, so that you could steal the secret formula!
Well, that's pattonly ridiculous!
You’ve gotta help him! I think he's sick or something.
MTMe Two
[scrunching up] I feel funnyyyy...
[Suddenly, Me Two rolls up like a paper roll in mid-air and disappears from existence]
ME TWO, ME TWO! Oh! What happened to him?!
I was afraid of that. I thought I'd save some money by using cheap toner.
It means my plan is ruined! All the SpongeBob copies will fade away now!
[shocked] Fade away...? All my brand new friends?! [crying] NOOO! THEY CAN'T!! [cries; runs inside and talks to a clone mopping] NO! DON'T DISAPPEAR!
[The clone also turns grey, scrunches and rolls up, and disappears like Me Two; SpongeBob cries harder]
[to a clone] Quickly, man! Before you fade, what's the formula?!
SCSpongeBob Copy
It's easy. You take one par -- Whoa! I don't feel so good... [turns grey, rolls up, disappears]
Wait, no! [to a clone carrying dishes] You, the formula?! [the clone also disappears; to a clone dusting a table] The formula?! [that clone disappears; to a clone at the register] The formula?! [he disappears; to a clone flipping patties] The formula?! [he disappears; a patty hits him] Ouch!
[He runs to several clones in the restaurant; SpongeBob keeps crying over losing his friends]
The formula, the formula, the formula?!
[They all disappear. Scene cuts to a bunch of other copies cleaning the roof, mowing the lawn, and some other things but they disappear. Then the scene cuts to Patrick playing with some of the copies but they disappear also.]
Patrick
Life is but a walking shadow. Ha-lube-lube-lube-lube-lube... [Stopped because he gets hit by a lawnmower and gets split into 9 mini copies of himself. Scene transitions to Plankton running over to the final copy.]
What's the formula?! [Mr. Krabs enters.]
Well, I did it. I calculated 1 paycheck down into 300 separate tiny checks. Only one of you left? Here.
[The final clone disappears]
Patrick
Hold on! I got this! [pokes the tree with his umbrella, but much to his horror, the tree cracks, loses its leaves and inexplicably dies]
[SpongeBob and Patrick scream]
Oh no! Patrick, we have to do something! Sandy'll never forgive us if we ruined her tree!
Patrick
And I'll never forgive her if she runs out of Nutty Butter!
Positions everyone! [SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward position themselves to protect the Krabby Patty at all costs. Suddenly, they hear something growling in the bushes. They get scared by the growling sound until a small snail pops out and meows] Aww. Hey, little fella. [thinks the snail was harmless and friendly, but to his surprise, the snail transforms into a monster and roars at them. Everyone screams and the snail monster grabs the Krabby Patty]
SPSpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward
THE PATTY!
[The snail monster begins to fly away with the Krabby Patty]
[Panics and runs around] Oh, what are we gonna do?!
Don't eat my patty! [grabs Squidward and throws him in the air]
[Squidward ends up in the snail monster's claws and the monster eats Squidward. However, the monster spits Squidward out and rubs his tongue, meaning that he didn't like the taste of Squidward. Squidward falls flat on his face in the ground and SpongeBob catches the Krabby Patty]
Squidward, you've saved the Krabby Patty!
Pen Pal, this one's for you. [SpongeBob's plane drives down the runway and slowly begins to take off. SpongeBob pulls down the lever and the plane starts to fly. The audience cheers in astonishment.] Whoo-hoo! I'm flying! Yee-haw! [Suddenly, to SpongeBob's surprise, Patrick is running on the runway below him.]
Patrick
Hey, SpongeBob! I can't believe you can actually fly like you said in your letter!
Patrick? You're Pen Pal?!
Patrick
[laughs] Duh! [laughs]
But... but you said you were dying! You're not dying!
Patrick
Dying? Oh, oh! You didn't read the whole letter!
[pulls out the letter] See? It says, "I wish I could watch you fly because I am dying!"
Patrick
[pulls out his second letter] And here's the second page: "...to see you as a real pilot, SpongeBob! Here are some other things I like to see: candy rain, a firetruck full of clowns, and... a bunch of other stuff."
It all makes sense now! [laughs] Oh, Patrick! [laughs]
Patrick
[laughs as his letter slips off his hands] You thought I was dying!
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
