Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob

We have to share these with everybody! [cuts to inside the Krusty Krab]

No, SpongeBob. We are not handling out anything free for every purchase. Even the smiles here cost a nickel.

SpongeBob

Aw, why not, Mr. Krabs?

Squidward

Hahaha. Because, SpongeBob. Fortune cookie fortunes are always lame and they never come true.

[picks up a cookie, secretly given to him by Plankton, opens it, and starts reading the fortune] "Unless you give a tiny copepod the Krabby Patty secret formula, you will die?!"

[opera voice] Hello! [normal voice] Did someone say copepod?

Just wanted to borrow a cup of grease, Eugene. I'll come back later, ciao!

[nervously speaking] J-just how true are these cookie fortunes, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

If the cookie says it's true, then it's true. Horribly, terribly, truthfully, true! [begins to cry]

"You will die." [the word "die" echoes in his head three times, leading to a vision of Mr. Krabs' funeral service]

Pearl

[sobbing] Oh, I'll miss you, daddy! [continues sobbing then she takes his wallet] But I really can't wait to spend your hard-earned money on shoes! [laughs and runs away]

[wakes up in his coffin] Me money!

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs! No! [cries some tears and fills up Mr. Krabs' coffin, causing him to float out of the coffin and hits his head on the floor. The vision ends]

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs? Mr. Krabs, it's time. [SpongeBob's arm breaks off while holding on to Mr. Krabs. Mr. Krabs gets scared as SpongeBob appears on his other side] It's time to give up the secret formula to Plankton! [attaches his left arm back into his body] Because your life is worth more than some scrap of paper in a bottle.

You're right, me boy-o, [heads toward his safe] I've got to face me fortune. [takes the secret formula out of the safe]

SpongeBob

Oh no! The nuts stopped!

Patrick

Hold on! I got this! [pokes the tree with his umbrella, but much to his horror, the tree cracks, loses its leaves and inexplicably dies]

SpongeBob

Oh no! Patrick, we have to do something! Sandy'll never forgive us if we ruined her tree!

Patrick

And I'll never forgive her if she runs out of Nutty Butter!

SpongeBob

[to Mr. Krabs] Let's see what other nice people are saying. [walks out of Mr. Krabs' office. Moments later, he is standing in front of the bulletin board, screaming and clutching his head] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Dave

What are you shrieking about?

SpongeBob

[hurriedly covers a space of the bulletin board; evasively] Nothing, I just love to shriek! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

I don't wanna hear another peep from anyone until we get to Food Con!

SpongeBob

[alarmed] PEEP!

Not a peep!

SpongeBob

PEEP!!!

NOT A PEEP!

SpongeBob

PEEP!!!!! [points ahead]

PEEP'S CLIFF!!!

SpongeBob

Positions everyone! [SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward position themselves to protect the Krabby Patty at all costs. Suddenly, they hear something growling in the bushes. They get scared by the growling sound until a small snail pops out and meows] Aww. Hey, little fella. [thinks the snail was harmless and friendly, but to his surprise, the snail transforms into a monster and roars at them. Everyone screams and the snail monster grabs the Krabby Patty]

THE PATTY!

SpongeBob

[Panics and runs around] Oh, what are we gonna do?!

Don't eat my patty! [grabs Squidward and throws him in the air]

SpongeBob

Squidward, you've saved the Krabby Patty!

Squidward

Whoopee.

SpongeBob

Pen Pal, this one's for you. [SpongeBob's plane drives down the runway and slowly begins to take off. SpongeBob pulls down the lever and the plane starts to fly. The audience cheers in astonishment.] Whoo-hoo! I'm flying! Yee-haw! [Suddenly, to SpongeBob's surprise, Patrick is running on the runway below him.]

Patrick

Hey, SpongeBob! I can't believe you can actually fly like you said in your letter!

SpongeBob

Patrick? You're Pen Pal?!

Patrick

[laughs] Duh! [laughs]

SpongeBob

But... but you said you were dying! You're not dying!

Patrick

Dying? Oh, oh! You didn't read the whole letter!

SpongeBob

[pulls out the letter] See? It says, "I wish I could watch you fly because I am dying!"

Patrick

[pulls out his second letter] And here's the second page: "...to see you as a real pilot, SpongeBob! Here are some other things I like to see: candy rain, a firetruck full of clowns, and... a bunch of other stuff."

SpongeBob

It all makes sense now! [laughs] Oh, Patrick! [laughs]

Patrick

[laughs as his letter slips off his hands] You thought I was dying!

SpongeBob

Gee, why is Mr. Krabs too crabby today?

Squidward

Porbrably because it”s payday.

Paydays been parceled! Now hear this. I’m captain of this ship, Captain Krabs! As I say “No rip current could ever harm the Krusty Krab.”

SpongeBob

Here you go, Mr. Krabs. You earned it.

Well, boy-yo, you believed in me. So, today will be a payday for you.

Squidward

What about me?

You, Ex-Captain Squidward, have gone from payday to mayday! Mush! Every last one of ya! All the way back to Bikini Bottom! [laughs]

Patrick

HEY! Where do you think you're going, chum chewer? [grabs Squidward and holds him up.

Squidward

Hey, come on! This is just a big misunderstanding! Ferry, fairy: They're two different words that just happen to sound alike!

SpongeBob

[holds up a bucket of chum meat] Open wide, Squidward!

Squidward

NO!

SpongeBob

[someone knocks on the door. Goes towards the front door and opens it to see that nobody is there.] Hello. Hmm. That's odd. I could've sworn I heard a knock at the door. [Two fish dressed in hot dog costumes puts him between two big buns. SpongeBob yells while being muffled]

SpongeBob

[confused] Mr. Weenie?

Congratulations, SpongeBob, you've been promoted.

SpongeBob

But you just fired me.

That's mustard under the bun, my boy. The important thing is my customers love your little sliders. [shows "Weenie Patty"] Now get to work!

SpongeBob

[raises handcuffed hand] I'm pretty sure this is illegal. What am I gonna do now?

[from the background] Pst! [shows him in the shadow] Hey, kid. You need help out of here? [leans out of the shadow]

SpongeBob

Pizza Pete! Yes, please. That wiener has me chained to the grill, [Pizza Pete approaches him] and he really seems to be relishing it.

I have something to free you. [yakes pizza sauce out]

SpongeBob

Pizza sauce? [Pizza Pete puts the pizza sauce on both handcuffs and he slips them off] I'm free!

Great! Now you can get to my grill. [takes bread stick out]

SpongeBob

What? [Pizza Pete ties his hands with the breadstick] Parmesan-crusted breadstick?! [Pizza Pete takes him] Whoa!

[from the kitchen door] Hey! Where are you going with my fry cook?!

[swipes SpongeBob with a pair of giant chopsticks and laughs while being on a roof] I'll take one fry-cook to go! [jumps off the roof and laughs again after landing. Señor Taco opens the door next to him and sends him away]

SpongeBob

[lands] Oh, thank you, Señor Tac-! [Señor Taco grabs him with his suit] Oh, no! Not you too! Ahhhh!

[Señor Taco runs into them] Get him! [they jump on Señor Taco]

SpongeBob

Whoa!

Let go!

He's mine!

I was here first!

No, I was!

Stop! Unhand that sponge! [Jumps on Pizza Pete and punches him away. Takes Señor Taco and destroys his costume by gobbling it. Señor Taco runs away embarrassed.]

[drops SpongeBob] It's the Killer Patty! [gets noodles squeezed out of his costume by Krabby Patty Man, Noodleman pops up from the noodles]

[Krabby Patty Man walks towards him and he drops SpongeBob before he gets to him] Here, take him! Just don't hurt me. [Whimpers with eyes closed. Opens eyes to see that Krabby Patty Man is gone and sighs. Starts humming while crossing the street and is hit by a bus] Aah!

SpongeBob

[opens eyes] Krabby Patty! You saved me!

SpongeBob

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh...!

Patrick

[turns to the audience; awkwardly] Good evening, ladies and the other ones. I know you're all excited to see the 400th commercial, but before we see it, I just want to say that Frozen Krabby Patties are MADE WITH SAND! [The audience gasps in shock]

[shocked] Oh, no! [faints in Don Grouper's arms again]

That was cute when you were rich. [drops Mr. Krabs and surrenders with his hands up guiltily] I'm out of here. [leaves the stage as the audience vomit out sand. In doing so, their butts shrink down to their normal size. The scene changes to a graph of the Frozen Krabby Patty sales going down]

Perch Perkins

And in shocking news today, it has been revealed that Frozen Krabby Patties are made with sand.

Well, it's gone. Everything I spent me life building is all gone. I'm ruined. [sobs]

Squidward

Oh, that house was too dangerous for you. [feels his head hurt] Ow. Besides, it was just a house, but this is a castle with a moat and everything.

SpongeBob

It's a long way from Bikini Bottom.

Squidward

I know.

SpongeBob

Huh?

Squidward

I mean, don't worry about it. It's a short 11-hour commute to the Krusty Krab from here.

You can't dump your garbage here, sir

SpongeBob

Oh, that's not garbage. That's my friend, Squidward. We're here to check in. [removes the trashcan off of Squidward, and his nose is covered with garbage]

Holy nostroly! You must be here for the nose job. Let's, uh… get your paperwork filled out.

SpongeBob

[imitating the French Narrator as he reads the time card] 80,000 impressions later...

French Narrator

Would you please stop imitating me? It is starting to get very annoying.