QQuincy
Open femur fracture. Definitely going to need surgery.
I'm in a lot of pain here. Could I get of morphine?
QQuincy
No can do, Frank.
Lidoc... is that lidocaine?
Ah, come on, guys! You got any fentanyl in there? That'd take the edge off.
QQuincy
Can give you a bite block to chomp down on if you like.
A bite block? [Laughs] What are you, the Marquis de Sade?
QQuincy
Best I can do after last time.
I did not steal drugs from your ambulance.
QQuincy
I saw you take it, Frank. Are you sure you don't want that bite block? This might sting.
[Frank grunts, yells and cries]
QQuincy
Personally, I would've taken the bite block. You want to ride with him again?
How long's the wait at County this morning?
QQuincy
Pro hockey season's shorter.
[Serves breakfast plate to Kevin] You want Tabasco?
It's only been two weeks since the surgery, babe. [Kisses Kevin's head and rubs chest] Give it some time.
12-year-olds last longer.
All right, girls, finish up. It's almost time for school.
Is this what it's gonna be like from now on? Eight seconds?
You really think we need to be having this conversation in front of the girls?
Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. That's me now. Mr. Kevin Ball, the "wham, bam" man.
Okay, girls. Dishes in the sink and backpacks. Let's go.
I'm so sorry I let them cut you guys. Can you ever forgive me?
You're gonna live, baby. It's one tiny incision. [To Gemma and Amy heading to front door] Wait for Mommy.
[Pokes eggs and they run] Oh, God.
Your sister coming again this morning?
She said she was, yeah. Tami's dad showed up at my house this morning.
No. Tami's made it very clear that I'm not allowed to have one.
Don't fuck with Bob. He's tougher than he looks.
He said Tami's definitely having the baby.
That's the Tamiettis. Old-school Catholics. Big families and fish on Fridays. She tell you she was going to see a doctor today?
This afternoon. Asked Cami to go, but she's working until 6:00.
W- what kind of doctor? Did she say?
Nope. Tami likes to stick it to her dad. Could be she's getting ready to solve your problem.
All right. Coke, crackers, and a bedpan. Barb's saying three hours, but could be five. I can't stay the whole time. I got a meeting.
Oh, Christ! AA?! Did you let Lip recruit you into that cult?!
Meeting with a public defender.
Trouble with the law? Excuse me! I've got a bone sticking out of my thigh! Does this look like a scam to you?! Hey, doc! Could you hook a brother up with a little morphine for a broken femur?! Come on, I... Ah, that's right. Just walk on by, Osama. We'll have your ass on that plane and back to Crap-sanistan as soon as the president revokes your H- B visa.
More bees with honey, Frank.
This is nothing but torture and payback. You signed a Hippocratic Oath, for fuck's sake. Doctors have been convicted of war crimes for what you're doing to me. How did this happen, anyway?! I was taking a brief nap in that shithole you used to own, and they started tearing it down around me!
I woke up with a... a wrecking ball trying to decapitate me! I had to run for my life. I should sue the bastards!
You were drunk, trespassing, and sleeping in a boarded-up building, okay?! I don't think a lawsuit is likely to go your way.
Never know. They may settle to avoid a court case. [To Fiona] Hey! You got anything useful in there?! Eh, a Quaalude?! Maybe an oxy?!
Miss! Excuse me. I'm in quite a bit of, uh, discomfort with this open fracture. I know the doctors are incredibly busy, but could you ask one of them to prescribe something for the pain?! I don't need much! of morphine would be more than enough.
SASouth Asian female orderly
You're Frank, right?
SASouth Asian female orderly
No.
[Chuckles derisively] Your reputation precedes you.
What the fuck is wrong with you people? You wouldn't treat a dog in the street like this!
I think so. I didn't tuck him in or anything.
Here's your bedpan back. Don't use it again till someone else can get it.
Hey. Catch a meeting later? I think I'm gonna do an Al-Anon meeting again today.
All right, well, let us know if you think it's worthwhile.
We could turn it into a fun-filled activity for the whole family. [Goes out side door]
Any of those beers have something left in them?
Let me finish this first. Ugh. Called a couple home healthcare worker places. Twenty-two bucks an hour. Thirty for overnights. Totally unnecessary. Just set me up in here with my Oxys, a couple of brews, and the remote, and I'm good as gold.
Yeah, you're down here yelling for us day and night. Totally need someone to take care of you.
I'm not even supposed to be doing this. It's Liam's shift.
Well, then get him down here. Liam!
He's not here, and I haven't told anyone where I hid your Oxy, so don't think you can bully Liam into giving you more.
What happened to that G.I. Jane chick your brother was banging, the one you were trying to steal?
I wasn't trying to steal her.
Sure you were. You were following her around like a lovesick puppy.
So she is a carpet-muncher?
Don't be an asshole, Frank.
She was cute. Smart, too. I was surprised she went for a moron like Carl. He was definitely punching above his weight on that one.
Softball? Really? Bi? Or maybe you just weren't tempting enough for her to risk jumping into gender experimentation. Women like smart.
Sorry, sweetheart. You're not the sharpest shovel in the shed.
Now, I bet if it had been your sister, Fiona...
Hey. She's not brilliant, like Lip, but she's street smart, quick. I bet if it'd been Fiona, softball girl would've taken that for a spin.
Keep it up, Frank. You'll never see an Oxy again.
Not to mention, Fiona got Monica's stripper-on-a-bender, dangerous looks, not that it's made Fiona's life easier. Too much pretty can really mess you up.
Morning. I'm not late, am I?
The Captain. He wants to meet you.
Captain Bob? I thought he was made-up, like Colonel Sanders.
Colonel Sanders was real.
Follow me. Sir. Ensign Gallagher. Best fryer mate I ever had.
BBob
Pleasure to meet you, Carl. Have a seat. You want a root beer float?
BBob
Lori, bring our little white panther here a root beer float.
BBob
You want some popcorn shrimp? Lori, popcorn shrimp, too. I eat a basket every location I visit, Carl. Quality control is the name of the shrimp game. Look at that. Nicely battered, properly crisp. Mm, mm, mm. You really saved my ass the other day, son. Once word get out you can rob a franchise, the sharks descend. Give much thought to your future, Carl?
BBob
Look, I know a young man like you, it's hard to see yourself down the road, but Captain Bob's is growing. Carl, you own a Winnebago?
BBob
I do. A Grand Tour. You got a lake house? Mm... I do. Ski boat? Two brand-new Cadillacs? You take a two-week vacation every year down to the Alabama coast?
BBob
No, you're damn straight you don't, but you will, Carl, if you make the right choice today. I got a store in East Garfield Park, and it's been robbed six times this month. You can start tomorrow, Assistant Manager. bucks a week. In a year, you could be manager. Hell, in ten years, you could even own your own franchise.
BBob
The sky's the limit, son. Carl, play your cards right, you could even end up with your own Winnebago. [Laughs]
Doctor's office called. They want me to call them back at noon, uh, go over the results of my test with them.
Five of. I just thought I should, uh, be with someone in case I try to jump off a roof or throw myself in front of a bus or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
Hey, Tami. How you doing?
It's none of your fucking business, Brad.
Okay. Come on. I'll find someplace to make that call.
There's gotta be someplace else you can keep this thing. It's scaring away the customers.
I tried to get it in the house. It just wouldn't fit through the door. V, I think we can make some money renting me out as Jesus.
Yeah, for parties and stuff.
Jesus parties? I think that's called church services, Kevin. Like Santas at Christmas, or Elvis impersonators.
I could work bachelorette parties, be one of those, uh, birthday strippers.
Look at this website. They got all kinds of people looking like celebrities they rent out.
[Comes in door] Hi. [Sits at bar] What is all that about?
The nuns figured out we were sending both of our girls to preschool for the price of one, so Kev has to be Jesus for their parade, only now, Kev wants to be Jesus all the time.
I thought you were taking some time away from drinking.
May I have a Coke, please?
Well, the zoning went through on the lot that I invested in and Max Whitford bought me out of the partnership.
No shit? How much? [Veronica leans into Fiona]
Right? That is fantastic. So you... what are you gonna do with it, buy a new building?
Oh, hell no. Fool me once.
Well, I quit my job at the gas station...
And now I don't know. I feel like I got a second chance.
And a third, and a fourth.
V, I could have different costumes for different occasions. Wedding Jesus. Uh, Last Supper Jesus. Bat Mitzvah Jesus.
Last Supper Jesus? Well, I guess that beats getting nailed to the cross.
They didn't use real nails, did they?
[On phone] Yeah, I understand. Right. Great. Yeah. No, thank you. [Sighs] Let me think it over. Uh-huh. [Hangs up and sighs] Positive. BRCA1. It's good.
That's... That's "baby good," right?
So I don't have to worry about you trying to find any tall buildings or anything?
I'm actually afraid of heights. Shotgun in the bathtub's more my style. [Sighs] Fuck! I don't want to have a baby just to save my tits!
[Exhales sharply] Okay. I gotta have an abortion. I mean, I work in a hair salon. I breathe bleach fumes all day. This baby's gonna come out with, like, five heads and a dorsal fin.
Tami. Tami, Tami. Hey, breathe. Breathe. All right? Good. If having the baby reduces the chances of cancer, maybe you should have the baby.
And what? Die on the kid when it's 13, like my mom did to me? Leave it an orphan?
It wouldn't be an orphan.
Right, because you're gonna take care of it.
And what about when you die, too, Lip? You know, the way you smoke cigarettes, it'll be a miracle if you make it to 40.
Hi. Who are you supposed to be today?
Liam, sausage and eggs. Grab a plate.
I don't eat the white man's swine.
[Reaches for plate] I like swine.
Hey! [Slaps Frank's hand with spatula]
Only kids under 12 eat for free. Everybody else pays.
Author, orator, escaped slave.
Oh, you two studying him in your "being black" class?
Yep, we are up to The Civil War.
Have to cover the Emancipation Proclamation and the defeat of the slave-owning traitor Robert E. Lee at the hands of black soldiers who fought and died to save America for the white man.
I always thought Robert E. Lee was some sort of great general. Racist shithead.
But don't he have statues?
Statues all gotta come down.
We gotta eat what our ancestors ate if we're gonna understand what they sacrificed for us.
[Looking at budget chart] Why can't I get a couple of hundred bucks of my Fiona money now?
Fiona didn't leave you any money, Frank. She left money for the family, and she left it under my control because she knows I'm the only Gallagher that wouldn't waste it on frivolous, stupid things. [Referring to chart] I've divided Fiona's $50,000 into three categories: 30,000 for essentials, 20,000 for savings.
Savings?! What the hell for?!
We need a rainy day fund, Frank. Anytime you're around, it's pouring. After I take care of all of the essentials, whatever's left goes into the discretionary fund with money divided equally for each of us, you included, unfortunately.
What's wrong with the ER? It's free.
The ER is not free, Frank. You just don't pay your bills.
Garbage disposal, home repairs. Taxes? What's this 600 bucks you've already taken out of my nonexistent discretionary money?
There's nothing wrong with our couch.
You spent the last six months dribbling your broken leg juices and piss all over it.
It's perfectly fine. It's just The cushions need plumping, that's all.
Yeah, we're getting a new couch, and it's coming out of your share.
Yeah, it is. All right, I gotta go to work now, you know, that thing people do to make money to support their children. You might want to wash those clothes. You smell like a sushi restaurant dumpster on a hot day.
She wants to have sex all the time. All right, three times last night and again this morning.
No hemorrhoids or problems with the mucus plug?
You'd know if you'd had a problem with it.
You know, I never thought I'd be complaining about having this much sex.
Enjoy it while you can. Cami didn't want me to touch her for months after Miles was born.
Oh, that's the thing, she's so fucking nice to me all the time. You know, it's all honey, sweetie. She called me boo this morning. I mean, it's "alien abduction movie" creepy. I don't like it.
It won't last. Once the baby's born, with the sleep deprivation, the postpartum craziness, and Tami being kind of a bitch, it's gonna be a rough ride, my friend.
Hmm, and rings. Cami's making a list of stuff she thinks you still need to buy before your baby gets here.
Oh, come on, man. Really? Wha- what about all the shit we got at the baby shower? The expensive stuff nobody around here can afford to give at a shower.
It's a fancy breast pump, baby video monitor that connects to your phone, some Scandinavian car seat-stroller combo thing.
I grew up around a ton of kids. I never had any of that shit. You know, Frank wouldn't even buy us diapers half the time. He'd tape garbage bags around us, hose us off in the backyard before bedtime.
I'm that guy now, that pathetic old guy that no one guards because he can't make a basket.
You're not old-old, honey, but every athlete slows down a bit. Maybe you just need to change up your game.
Has Brady slowed down? No, he just won the Super Bowl last year. Tiger Woods? No. He won the Masters.
Those guys are freaks of nature pampered and coddled by an army of trainers and nutritionists.
Not to mention the performance-enhancing drugs.
Brady doesn't use performance-enhancing drugs.
Look, you can't compare yourself to professional athletes, Kev. Hell, I ran a 5.2 40 in high school, and now I can barely finish a 5K.
[Chuckles] Did you run a 5K?
Well, I didn't say I ran it. There was some walking involved.
It's testosterone. Men lose one percent every year after the age of 30.
You never had any to begin with, so don't worry about it.
It's not me. It's my shitty shoes.
Yeah, all the players are wearing Kobes and Jordans and LeBrons. [Turns laptop around] This is what I need right here.
Impact cushioning and instant responsiveness plus easy entry.
That a shoe or a fat hooker?
But, V, my old shoes are fucking up my shitting rhythm.
It's not the shoes, honey. You're just getting old. You just said I wasn't getting old. For $350, you old as shit, Bernie Sanders old, Harry Belafonte old.
Well, I'm still buying 'em.
Not with our money, you're not.
We're on a budget, Kev. What do you suggest we skip this month, food or electricity?
All right, fine. You don't want to help me reclaim my manhood, that's just fine. Then I'm gonna earn my own money, and I'm gonna buy these shoes.
