MKMajor Keefe
[On phone with Kelly] Get your ass home right now, young lady, or I'm taking your truck keys...
[Debbie comes in house with contractor equipment] What are you doing?
Making this house cost-efficient. Adding insulation to the attic, welding leaking pipes, adding timers to light switches.
MKMajor Keefe
Where are you?
MKMajor Keefe
Then where are you, and when are you coming home?
My whereabouts are confidential.
MKMajor Keefe
Not from your father, they're not.
I'll let you know when the information gets declassified.
MKMajor Keefe
That's it. That's the last...
[Stifling laughter] God, if I knew pissing off my dad would be this much fun, I would've started years ago. Um... I don't think we should be seeing each other anymore.
Uh, because... you're not... hot enough.
[Answers phone] Hello, sir?
MKMajor Keefe
We had a deal, Gallagher.
Uh, now's really not a good time.
[Grabs Carl's phone] Uh... Sorry, Carl Gallagher's phone is out of service. He'll call you back never. [Throws phone on floor]
What the fuck? Why you always got to be throwing my phone like that? [Kelly gets Carl in an armlock on couch] Ow, ow, ow!
Bullshit! A spot at West Point?
No. We... then why are you breaking up with me?
I don't want to mess your future up. Your run times have been up, your test scores have been down ever since you met me. I don't want to screw up your shit to Annapolis.
What if I don't want to go to Annapolis? What if I'm sick of working so hard? What if... I just want to stay here and eat Fritos with your family and watch TV and enjoy life for once?
[Comes in door] Getting your ass kicked by a girl again, Carl?
Why are you walking like that?
Just being a superhero in a five-K. He was wearing a 60 pound duffel and combat boots, so... I'm not sure it was that impressive.
[Debbie walks into kitchen]
Nothing but junk mail. Rat shit in the attic. Fires in the dryer vent. These ads are terrifying. Carbon monoxide leaks from the furnace? Fiona always handled this shit. Should I be worried about these things?
[Pours herself cereal] Ah, homeowner stuff. Sucks to be an adult. [Pours out all milk and Liam stares at her] What? I'm eating for seven now.
Well, then all seven of you are gonna need to cough up cash if you're gonna be living here.
All right. I'm gonna do some therapy sessions on the phone this afternoon. I'll write you a check later.
...
[Comes in side door] Good morning, family one. Family two.
Why do you look like a farm animal?
Your father is gonna be the new Hobo Loco beverage spokesperson.
Now, I haven't won the competition yet, Ingy.
It's a delicious alcoholic beverage. They're looking for someone with no purpose in life. I finally found my calling. Soon I'll be able to support those I love. Oh, yeah. Wish me luck.
Oh, you go get 'em, my Hobo Loco tiger.
Good-bye, little Frank-ettes.
SGSorority girls
They cut the line!
AAmber
And that's exactly the kind of spunk we're looking for!
Do you hear that, Phi Piggie Piggie?! That's what they're looking for!
Get your spunk-less ass out of here!
AAmber
Hey, fellas. I just... I just need you to sign in right here.
AAmber
Again, yeah. Great.
AAmber
Okay, next, I'm gonna need to test your baseline blood alcohol content. Right this way.
RRandy
[Comes down stairs to find Ingrid lying on back with legs on wall] Ingrid, where... Ingrid. Ingy.
RRandy
Dr. Kwan called me. She told me you were pregnant. That's wonderful.
Wonderful? You never wanted me to have children because of my condition.
RRandy
Well, now that you are pregnant, it's a beautiful miracle. Let's do this together.
What?! They're not even yours! They're Frank's!
RRandy
Yes, but you just met him. You think he's really committed to having more kids?
RRandy
But I'm the one who's always been there for you, and I always will, so let's get you back on your meds and then we'll go for a checkup with Dr. Kwan.
You're trying to trick me. [Stands up] You're gonna get me on that exam table and then have Kwan just suck the embryos out of me!
RRandy
No, I won't. I won't, I promise. We'll keep two. We'll have twins. Wouldn't that be great?
Twins?! Bullshit! You don't want my babies! Frank does! Frank loves me! He loves all six of my embryos! I have a phone patient now, so please go!
RRandy
Okay, okay. [Sighs] I'll check back in later. [Walks away]
Hey, Debbie. Randy's wrong. Frank'll be committed to my six babies, right?
What are you on my ass for?! Find your own bedding! This is my spot!
I thought we could make a pact! Either one of us wins, we split the spokesman money, 50/50.
You trying to hone in on my dough?
Or am I trying to give you half of mine, hmm?
[Scoffs] You're a crafty dude, Mikey O. I'm a lone wolf. Go!
Suit yourself. Suit yourself.
Go! [Spots truck full of construction materials] Jackpot. [Climbs into truck and grabs two rolls of insulation]
Hey, yo! What are you doing in that truck?! Get out of there! Hey!
[Frank leaps from truck and gives chase] Get back here! Where the fuck do you think you're going?! [Mikey swings a bar into Frank's face knocking him down] That's what you get! Serves you right, asshole! Yeah, you better keep running!
[Lip and Tami pull up to the Gallagher residence]
So was it weird buying actual green things at the grocery store?
Hey, I've bought green things before. Guacamole, Mountain Dew, Jell-O, mint chocolate chip ice cream.
You gonna list every crappy green thing?
Yeah, I can go on. Shamrock shakes. Green eggs and ham. [Lip and Cami walk up to find Xan sitting on porch steps] Xan?
XXan
I didn't know where else to go.
[Standing outside Captain Bob's dressed as a pirate promoting popcorn shrimp] Aye, matey! Popcorn shrimp is back.
LLLi'l Shins
[Pulls up alongside Carl in black SUV] Oh, my God. Check this out. Gallagher? Shit.
LLLi'l Shins
What, you out here selling?
LLLi'l Shins
'Cause we took over this corner. I don't like no competition.
Hey, you won't have any from me.
LLLi'l Shins
So how do I know this whole gay pirate shit ain't some front?
I've been out of the business for years. I'm just working at Captain Bob's now.
LLLi'l Shins
I got trust issues, man. What can I say? I'm gonna have to shake your Johnny Depp-looking ass down, make sure you ain't got no stash. [Li'l Shins and thugs all get out of SUV]
[Running from Li'l Shins thugs] Yo, I swear to you, I don't!
LLLi'l Shins
[He and thugs catch up to Carl, grab him, hoist him upside down] Shake him!
Fuck! They're just shrimp! Come on, put me down, fuck! Watch the hat!
Just a Sprite. Last night fucked with me. Got a whole new attitude.
Ah, perfect. Uh, Tina, I got table's food for you.
Grilled ham and cheese... for you, and the tacos must be for you. Enjoy.
Police got a call last night about a possible robbery. A frantic woman called, saying that three men were threatening her, and she said they left but she was afraid they were gonna come back. And when the police arrived, the restaurant was closed, which is interesting, since we're open hours.
Maybe they had the wrong address.
Stop. I don't want your lies, and you smell like booze. I don't know if you're drunk now or if you just drank so much last night that it's just coming out of your pores.
What? Well, why? I- I haven't had a drink today, I swear.
I've been getting calls for the past month, from customers and vendors and employees, saying that you had been drunk on the job or asleep on the job or angry on the job.
Please don't fire me. Please. I- I've had a rough couple months, but-but I've turned a corner.
People who say they've "turned a corner"... They haven't turned a corner. They're just trying to convince everyone they have.
Please give me another chance. I promise I'll straighten out.
But not on my watch. You're acting manager now, so you make sure she cleans her things up and leaves.
[Scoffs] Fuck all of you. Ratting me out. [Laughs] If it weren't for me, none of you NA motherfuckers would even have a job. [Walks up to waitress Tyesha] Mm-hmm. I wanted to fire you because you suck, but you called me, crying about your mother and her medical bills, and I let you keep your fucking job.
Fiona, I think we should just...
Shut the fuck up, Eliza. [Laughs] I'm leaving. Oh, and guess what. The cook rubbed his dick on all of your meals. Yeah, enjoy. [Leaves out front door]
Good morning, peaches and cream, number one girl. How's my six embryos today?
You mean George, Gordy, Glenn, Gladys, Gina, and Gabby Gallagher? We're pissed, Frank. We're pregnant and we're lonely and we're tired of hiding from Dr. Kwan in this dark rat cave basement.
I want you home now. I want you home now. I want you the fuck home now. Right now.
Well, yeah, sure, you... you want that, honey.
This is for the future of our children.
You can't ask me to quit now. You can't ask LeBron James not to play in the playoffs. I'll be home tonight, a winner, 50... [Ingrid hangs up in spite]
Things a tad stressful with the little lady, Frank? Might be time to wash up and head home.
Nah. She was just calling to remind me to be humble when I win.
I don't know. That sounded a lot like a woman wanting you to quit.
Probably should. I've quit many things in my life, Mikey... School, jobs, marriages, rehab several times. I am not quitting this. I am the Hobo Loco Mofo.
[Fiona wakes up the morning after of a house party with all partiers asleep and finds bottle of oxycodone in a purse, initially decides against the theft, she proceeds to carry through]
FPFemale partier
What are you doing?! That's my Oxy! [Chasing Fiona out the motel with a man in pursuit] Hey, that bitch stole my Oxy! You fucking skank bitch! Get her! [Fiona leaps over a stone wall] South Side piece of shit! [Fiona laughs and runs away]
[Kevin is at a medical clinic with a practitioner]
The twins tortured the Guatemalan refugees, not me. That's why this whole thing is bullshit. Now my wife's like, "We can't bring babies into the world, because if we do, our daughters will kill them." Well, why is that my scrotum's fault, and why can't she just take the pill, like other women Why is it so much worse for her to take a tiny little pill that makes her "crazy" than it is for me to get my testicle lobbed off?
MPMedical practitioner
Your testicle will not be "lobbed off," sir. Only your vas deferens tubes are blocked.
Oh, it's bullshit. I'm calling bullshit on vasectomies. Time's up, vasectomies. [Practitioner holds up needle] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is that?
MPMedical practitioner
Needle. Local anesthesia.
Oh, good. Imma need a lot of that. Uh, lots extra, please. I don't want to feel anything from my waist down. [Lifts up medical gown] Agh! Yeah.
DDax
All right, for the semifinals, we have a challenge that is gonna separate the truly loco from the mildly loco. We call it... The South Side Emergency Room Challenge!
DDax
County General is two blocks away on Ellis and boasts the longest emergency room waiting time in all Chicago: - hours. [Bystanders all gasps] Your challenge, in one hour or less, is to get seen by an ER doctor.
You ever gotten through in less than an hour?
No, not possible. It's gonna take gushing blood. Amputation. Grand mal seizure.
DDax
Can I get one hour on the clock, please? Oh... All right. And... Go!
[To Xan] Hey, go ahead. Have a cupcake. [To Brad] Hey, man. Um... Cami say anything to you about Tami?
I don't know. She's acting funny. She was supposed to pick us up this morning... never showed. I didn't hear anything.
Maybe she's not cool with the whole Xan thing. I mean, it's one thing to start dating a guy, but it's another thing to start dating a dad with a preteen. What's she been saying about it?
Oh, nothing. I mean... I don't know. I guess I didn't really ask.
Women like to be asked everything. I don't buy 1% milk instead of 2% without asking Cami.
What, you think she's gonna make me choose between her and Xan?
That... that's crazy. I don't know, but you gotta ask. Just ask, pretend-listen, and nod. Works every time.
[Regarding knocking on front door] Could someone get that, for fuck's sake?! Oh, God. Keep your fucking pants on. [Opens door and sighs] What?
PPeter
Hi. I'm Peter Naylor, here to see Phillip Gallagher. He at home?
Lip! You home?! Guess not.
PPeter
What about Alexandra Galvez? She in?
PPeter
Alexandra Galvez. G-A-L-V-E-Z. Female, age ten, African-American.
Uh, I'm sorry. I was sound asleep. Yeah, Xan crashes here sometimes. Why?
PPeter
I'm with DCFS, here to do a home safety check for a case opened up by Phillip Gallagher.
Sure. We're just doing a few, uh, home improvement projects - today.
Your tetanus is up to date, right?
PPeter
Is that an open hole in the floor?
Uh, yes, but it's not what it appears to be. My sister is actually a welder, so she's very qualified to... Uh, Debs, can you come down here, please?!
PPeter
Who's in charge of these children?
PPeter
Uh, the woman you can't find?
Uh, well, she's definitely here. She's just probably getting a tool or something. Debs! Can you come down here, please?! Are you here?! Uh, it doesn't seem like Debs is here.
PPeter
Mm. And where does Alexandra sleep?
Uh, on the couch, most of the time, I think. We take really good care of her.
