I tried, okay? But I'm not even part gay. I'm just a boring hetero dude. So go ahead, you and Svet can have your spasgasms. I'll just be here on the couch, jerking off.
Well, it was brave of you to try.
The truth is, I just wanted to make you jealous.
Like I am. You don't have to be jealous, babe. I think Fiona helped me realize what her real power is over me. It's not the vagina.
What could be more powerful than a vagina?
It's her bitchiness. It's not women. It's being dominated.
Well, great. Maybe I could do that for you.
Sure. Why not? What could I do? Just tell me. Give me some ideas. I'll try anything you ask.
Just tell me... how to dominate you.
I think you're missing the point, babe.
All right, I'll go. I'll be right back and boss you around, okay?
CChuck
I'm- I'm sorry to say no. Um... Mr. Singh was let go yesterday.
Chuck, if I may, this is not easy for me. Adeeb was a dear friend as well as a colleague. He took a chance on me. In a way, he gave me a new life.
CChuck
He was first rate, all right. So you can understand that... though I am flattered... and yes, ready to step into his place, I do it with a heavy heart.
I'd thought it would be a while before I replaced him.
CChuck
Frank... you have the wrong idea.
Is that so? Well, if this is a... a move to corporate...
CChuck
I'm here to let you go, too.
CChuck
Today is your last day.
I- I don't understand. I'm Employee of the Month. What did I do wrong?
CChuck
My gosh. Nothing. Nothing at all. You were the model employee. Corporate is shutting down the store. Half the stores in the country, actually. See, the Internet gutted us, like a... an alien popping out of our stomachs and eating our brains. I'm working my way across the country like the Angel of Death. And once I finish burying Spokane, there'll only be one man left to fire.
CChuck
Myself. I wish you luck, my friend.
Thank you, Chuck. But men like us... We land on our feet. We're diligent, dependable, honest. We got gumption, cando spirit. Temporary setback at best.
Who let me be a father? That kid is so screwed having me as an old man.
Everyone's old man is an asshole. You're not special.
Tell me I didn't fuck Yoli. I can't go back. I can't face Cami. They're better off without me.
I just don't have it, man. I don't have the strength. Let me go. Just... let me go, look at me.
You think you're such a fuckup? You got everything, man. Everything that matters, you've got. You think that was an accident? You built that family. Right? You built that business. Hard work. Recovery every day. You have a life. You have people that love you. 'Cause you deserve it. So shut the hell up, you whiny bitch. Drink your coffee. And then you're gonna start over. I hurt my hand on your fuckin' ribs.
Yeah. I think you might've broke one, too.
Good, asshole. I owe you.
WWaitress
[Referring to TV] Hey. Hey, turn that up.
NNewscaster
...and the search for the most hated man in Chicago continues, as the fate of the Michael Jordan statue's arm remains a mystery.
Somebody cut off the arm of the Michael Jordan statue? What kind of asshole would do something like that? No. No way. It's just 'cause I... I love him so much, man. What did I do with it? Because, you know... I- I'll be burned at the stake if people find out.
[Fiona is awoken by a bucket of water thrown on her by Ian]
No! I am not doing this with you again today. We are both fucking adults! Come on, I know you're pissed! I know you're pissed...
[Ian throws another bucket of water on her] Oh, fuck!
Think we should do something?
She survived prison. She can handle the Ice Bucket Challenge.
He's been icing her all week. Over a stupid church? Who cares?
So we shouldn't do anything?
Absolutely not. Squabbles between siblings are as old as time. Cain and Abel. Serena and Venus. George W. and Jeb. Hey, son, what do you say you, uh, iron some military creases into my suit jacket? Need sharp corners today. Daddy's got a big job interview. With Lumber Lot.
Thought you already worked at Lumber Lot.
No, that's Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Debs, an entirely separate and sub-par institution from whence I have parted ways.
Livestock's been fed and watered, sir. Permission to attend last day of school?
Jesus, Carl. Your involuntary detox program is stinking up the whole house. It smells like afterbirth down there.
I still need $3,527 for tuition.
Look at you! The managerial apple is falling close to the tree.
[Enters kitchen] Mornin'.
Let's go, Liam. Before he pours pathetic sauce all over us.
Have a good last day, Liam. Good luck at Lumber Lot, Frank.
[Slumps to floor with head on forehead] Oh, God!
Jesus! Get it together, loser. No one wants to see a grown man ugly-cry in his underwear. Idiot!
[Kevin is watching BDSM porn on his laptop with his toddler daughters in front of him]
Kev, we're out of toilet paper. Can you get some today?
Hey, is this the thing you were talking about, with wanting to be dominated? 'Cause it looks painful. I mean, look at the guy with the pole up his ass. He's sad in his eyes.
You really think you should be watching Triple-X Hardcore with the girls?
I have the volume on mute.
I just want to feel a tiny bit controlled. You telling me what to do. You be in charge instead of me being in charge. Is that so hard?
No, it's just, you know... We haven't had spicy... salsa since the girls.
Mm, all the more reason to caliente it up.
Okay, so what do you want me to do? Buy some props, some leather, or what?
I don't know, Kev. You be in charge.
All right, fine. I'll see you later today. Or maybe I won't. I'm being mysterious.
I'm late. [Kisses him] Love you.
[Kisses daughters individually] And you. Love you, love you.
[Speaking on bullhorn to tenters] You look hungry. I bought you pizza. It's being delivered right now to the park. Completely free. All you have to do is go there and eat it.
TTenter
Hey, hey, Ian says we're not to leave camp.
[Without bullhorn] It's meat lovers pizza! [Into bullhorn] I repeat, there is hot, free meat lovers pizza waiting for ya! Twelve large pies! And I will pay you 20 bucks each to go eat it! Okay! Follow that pepperoni smell! Who wants a crisp $20 bill?! [Repeatedly] You get a 20... You get an extra 20. An extra two 20s. [To migrant laboreres] Okay, boys! Bring it in! Rapido, rapido! Clear the lot! Thank you, thank you! Everything goes!
[Carl is riding the Chicago El and following a man with a briefcase at a station who leaves it and Carl intercepts it, opening it in an alleyway]
KSKassidi's father
[Appears behind Carl] Where is she?!
KSKassidi's father
Don't "who" me, you little shit! Kassidi! My daughter, where is she?!
Uh, I can't disclose that to you, sir. I promised her.
KSKassidi's father
How old are you kid, 15?
KSKassidi's father
Well, maybe you don't know this about the world yet, but girls like Kassidi, this is what they do. You have no idea how many times I've done this ransom bullshit thing. My daughter's a Venus flytrap. Lures you in, and snap, eats you slowly over time. Just like her mother. And you're on the menu. Now tell me where she is.
KSKassidi's father
Tell Kassidi it's Tiffani's 12th birthday on Friday, and her mother wants her at the club. In the same blue Chanel dress she ran off in last Friday. Make sure she gets it dry-cleaned.
Hey. Look, I don't care who's right or who's wrong anymore. I just want this to be over.
You threw away their shit.
And you called an inspector on me. Cost me 400 bucks in sprinkler services. We both did shit. We're both guilty. I don't care anymore. I just want to fix this. I called Margo. She's got another building she's willing to lease. It's way down on Ashland, but it's got good bones and she's willing to rent it monthly.
I already found the perfect building. You stole it.
I understand that you feel wronged. And while I do not see it that way, I'm trying to do the right thing here. I got Margo to waive first and last.
We don't want your charity.
Wait, where... where is this place?
Fuck off, Fiona. The answer's no.
What the fuck is wrong with you? I am trying to move forward here and you are acting like a toddler! What is going on with you? Are you off your meds?
You heard me. Your meds. Are you taking 'em? Are you?
Yeah. I am taking my fucking meds, Fiona. I'm just... fucking angry. Are you gonna accuse me of being off my meds every time I get fucking angry for the rest of my life? 'Cause I am allowed to get angry... at bitch assholes when they are being fucking bitch assholes!
It's a good building. At least take a look, okay?
Fucking unbelievable! That's what it is.
This United States of America. I played by the rules. I gave my life, my blood, sweat, and tears to that job. Paid my taxes...
Colored inside the lines. Didn't roll through the stop sign. And where did it get me? Up the ass, that's where. Right up the ole poop shoot. I was moving up in this world. And now? I'm a 50-something adult white male with a couple of years of college and managerial experience, and the only thing available to me is minimum wage! The system is fucked! Give me a shot of Jamie. And leave the bottle. The America we knew has ditched the party and turned the lights out, boys and girls. And left us white guys in the dark to fight each other over the few crumbs left behind by our masters. Am I right?!
AAkram
You think you're having a shit day, pal? I'm being deported next month. Been here 25 years. I was a translator in Iraq during the goddamn Desert Storm. Now they're kicking me out. Because of a fucking speeding ticket. I tried to flee up to Canada, but they stopped me at the border, wouldn't let me in, sent me back.
Wait, you're trying to get out of America?
Jesus, that's a piece of fucking cake.
AAkram
Yeah, maybe for a white guy.
[Extends hand for a handshake] Frank Gallagher.
Akram, my friend. This could be your lucky day.
So, what are you working on next?
I'm just going to a house over on Franklin. Owner saw some work I did on a Marion Mahony Griffin house.
One of the world's first female architects. Born in Chicago.-
She worked with Frank Lloyd Wright.
He stole most of her designs.
You ever seen any of his buildings?
I don't know. I don't think so.
They're all over the South Side.
Really? I thought there was just a bunch of crack houses down here.
No. Some amazing historical buildings in this area.
It's one of the reasons I moved to Chicago. Do you wanna see some of them?
Team, if I could have your attention. Thank you for being here this morning. I want you to know that just because you look like terrorists, doesn't mean you should be treated like 'em. Until America can distinguish between good brown people and bad brown people, it's my goal to get you all safely across the border into Canada. Shh, shh, shh. Discretion, right? You can all thank me later when a big bull moose is slurping an ice cold Molson right out of your butthole! Okay, not an alcohol and sex kind of a crowd.
I don't even wanna know what's going on here, Frank.
This is one of my favorite buildings in the city.
One of the first residential highrise buildings ever built.
No shit. I've walked past here a thousand times.
Built as luxury apartments for the Chicago Exhibition in the '30s.
I know a guy who got his face shot off in here.
Arched windows. It's Romanesque revival. Look at the ornamental cornice.
I would look at it if I knew what a cornice was.
Up the top, there. Come here. See all that extraordinary masonry work and detail? It's remarkable.
You mean the little ribbon things?
It's polychromatic brick façade on top of beautiful stone.
Looks kinda like a castle.
...
This is the Frank Lloyd Wright thing?
Built for the Robie family. And the planters are supposed to break the inside out so it divides.
...
And we're under a bridge. And now everyday places...
GGrace
Can I get three Advair discs?
You bet. Bobby Junior'll be breathing easy in no time, Grace.
LLionel
And it's costing me half of what it costs down here?
LLionel
All right, give me three months' supply of Januvia, 100 tablets of Diovan, 10075 milligram pills of Praluent and you might as well throw in two EpiPens.
Jesus, all that's for you, Lionel?
LLionel
I'm a walking medical disaster, Frank.
Well, that's why God invented Canada. Okay, everybody, get your orders in. Now, I'm giving you all a low, low special introductory price. I can't be so generous with my fees next time. You ready, Mauricio?
Okay, you take a stool softener with all that Vicodin. You don't wanna end up dead on the can like Elvis.
FFatemeh
What's Canada like, Mr. Frank?
Well, it's wilderness as far as the eye can see. Filled with maple trees that have an endless supply of magical syrup in their trunks.
FFatemeh
I would like to try magical syrup.
You will, Fatemeh. You will also receive a pound of Canadian bacon, a pair of ice skates and a gift card to Tim Hortons as a welcome gift.
If you thought Lady Liberty had a lot to offer, wait till you see what the lumberjack country has in store for you. Health care for all, marriage equality for gays, legal hookers for the asking.
FFatemeh
I think I will enjoy Canada.
The Canucks can be a boring people, but every now and again, Mother Canada spits out a halfway decent talent like Bill Shatner, Celine Dion, um, Pamela Anderson, Justin Bieber.
FFatemeh
I would like to meet Justin Bieber.
Anything's possible. That's why Canada's called The New Land of the Free.
PPastor
Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man also lie with mankind" as he lieth with a woman, both of them "have committed an abomination."
CCongregationalists
Praise the Lord.
PPastor
But we are here today to give sweet Tammy a chance to redeem herself in the eyes of the Lord and return back to her flock.
Are you fuckin' kidding me?
PPastor
Matthew 18 says we must confront the sinner and give him a chance to repent. So, I ask you in front of your family, Tammy, do you want to be cured of the homosexuality disease and go back to being a normal girl again?
PPastor
Do you want God back in your life, Tammy?
PPastor
He can't hear you, Tammy. Do you want God back in your life?
PPastor
Then let us now close our eyes and raise our palms to Tammy so that we may light the path for this lost lamb to find her way back to the kingdom of heaven where she can become the beautiful, feminine woman with long hair that she was put on this Earth to be.
CCongregationalists
Amen.
I'm gonna beat the fuck out of this guy.
Come on, let's get out of here.
