[Jimmy is at The Alibi]
I don't care if it's your 44th. We don't do buybacks.
Hey, news flash, princess. So is 150% of the patronage here.
Welcome back. How was your vacay?
Oh, I went surfing, got hit by a jet ski, Saw a dolphin masturbate.
Well, my finger's broken, my parents are divorced, And my dad's a fairy, so--
A fairy? Hello, 1983. Did you get my co2 tanks?
Hey, can you make it quick? I gotta get out of here.
Hey. You know, not for nothin', but, uh, no one likes to hear a grown man whine. It's like the verbal equivalent of a dude wearing uggs.
Yeah, well, I appreciate the sympathy, thanks.
Get over it. Fiona doesn't have room for it. She's busting her ass just to keep food on the table.
[Walks in] Good denizens of Cook County, I have a proposition. [Patrons murmurs] Do you remember- Do you remember the holdup of that jewelry store on South Ashland in '92?
PPatron
Oh, yeah, sure. Bastards cleaned out these poor spics of every piece of crap that they had.
That was my mother. She did the heist. And I think she buried the crap in my backyard.
PPatron
How do you know that?
Well, she stashed it somewhere and then she forgot where. So the other day I was planting some basil. I've recently gotten back into gardening. And I found this.
PPatron
Shit, is that gold?!
Could be. Pretty dirty, gotta get it appraised. The point being, this is only the tip of the golden iceberg. Now I can't dig it all up by myself. So I will give a sizeable cut to anyone who helps me unearth it. So who's with me? [Patrons sparsely chuckles]
There you go. Bravo, soldiers. Onward, onward. Let's go. Let's do it. That's the spirit. This is what made America great.
Muscle through it. We gotta find her. Where'd Carl go? Huh?
[Throws a fireworks cluster] Ninja!
Carl! No! No! [Fireworks explodes in the backyard] Oh, my god. Shit, Carl! [Pause of epiphany] That actually kinda worked!
You get those from the fireworks stash?!
[Sees figure walking through smoke] Ian?!
[Walking through smoke] Reeks out here. Hey, listen. Oh, man. About all the stuff, just with my dad, I--
Oh, my god, why are we still talking about this? I mean, really? Christ.
Okay, so, like, whenever you need me, I'm, like, there for you, but the one time I need you, You're like, "screw off"?
Carl thinks he's a cancer survivor! Molly thinks she's a girl with a penis! Debbie's getting terrorized at the public pool! This yard smells like a sewer! I got three drunk assholes operating power tools behind me! And the bitches at work Locked me in a bathroom today! Oh! And we might all be on the verge of going to prison! So you wanna talk?! Fine! Grab a shovel! [Throws shovel at Jimmy's feet] Talk your face off about how your dad gave a blowjob to a teenager, but dig while you do it!
You know what? I'm really tired of playing this "my tragedy is bigger than your tragedy" game. My entire world got rocked, and it's, like, not even on your radar. We're in a relationship! What's important to me should be important to you.
Look at us. We are literally digging up a body! How do you even compare our situations?! [Jimmy turns heels and walks to the street and Fiona chuckles] oh, that's great! Walk away! That's a real pussy move! Yeah, why don't you go cry to your gay dad about it?!
BKBoth Kevin and Carol
Are you out of your fucking mind?!
Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, Not sex!
It's clinical. So no one enjoys it. Millions of sperm died in that turkey baster. This will deliver the biggest batch. The bigger the batch, the better the chance.
This is an express bus to The Maury Povich Show.
I want nothing more than to be able to give you the baby That I know you want... and the grandbaby that you deserve. But I can't. And it kills me. Please, just give it a go while you're still ovulating.
[Groans] What kind of hard liquor you got and how much? [Exhales]
LLou
The county database says that you're available for placement, But I'm concerned there are too many children in your care. I'm sure there's some kind of limit.
MKMama Kamala
These ain't cats, honey. They're kids. They need someone to take care of them. That's why the good lord put me here. So I can take in all his babies don't nobody else want. [Laughs] Come here, sweetheart. Come on, I'm not gonna bite you. [Laughs] You're a blessing. Mama kamala is truly blessed to have you.
Yep. It's only for a few days. I'll be okay.
LLou
Um, this is my number. If you have any questions Or, you know, if you just want to talk about anything, you can call me anytime, okay? [Walks to door with Kamala]
MKMama Kamala
Okeydokey. Bye-bye, now. [Closes door and her mood changes] Rule number one; no sitting on the good furniture.
This is the good furniture?
MKMama Kamala
Rule number two; no sassing. You hear me? Let me look inside that bag. Give me that bag. Make sure you ain't got nothing in there to get you in trouble. Why are you standing there eyeballing me? Get busy minding them kids.
MKMama Kamala
You ain't getting your bags back.
[Fixing kitchen light fixture] Damn, it's hot up here
That's because heat rises.
Then how come space is so cold? [Someone knocks on door] I got it.
Who's at the door? [Jody opens door ]
Who's at the door, baby? [Frank comes in and Sheila gasps] No! Frank, no!
You- first of all, get out! Get out!
You are not allowed in here. Get out!
DFS pinched my kids. I need you to pretend to be Monica to help me get them back.
What? No! No! Why should I do anything for you? You left Hiram all alone.
I am begging you. As someone who knows what it feels like to lose a kid. Karen ran away. Can you imagine what it must feel like to have them taken from you? This isn't for Frank, okay? It's for Debbie and Carl and Liam. Maybe you should do it, Shelly-Bear...For the kids.
[Flipping through channels realising all prime channels are blocked] What the hell? TV's broken.
SSteven
Uh, parental controls. We wouldn't want you stumbling onto something you shouldn't.
That's the only reason to watch.
SSteven
It still gets Discovery Kids, Disney, and Bravo. Come on. Put the remote down. It's time for your bath.
How many damn times do I have to smell like mango and pomegranate?
SSteven
Uh, if you think I'm gonna let you near your tutor without one, you got another thing coming, young man.
SSteven
To brush up on your math. You're two grade levels behind.
[Debbie walks down stairs and a girl bursts out front door to hug father]
MSMaria's father
I missed you, baby.
They finally let Maria's dad out of prison, huh?
MKMama Kamala
He'll be back. So will she. Till then, drop the mop. Come on.
You want me to do laundry first?
MKMama Kamala
You're going to replace her. [Opens basement door] Downstairs.
MKMama Kamala
You gonna make me push you down? [Debbie walks down stairs to find kids at work in a sweatshop-like operation] Okay, all right, find a seat and get busy.
LLaronda
Debbie, here! Next to me. You can share my Krazy Glue.
She forces us to make jewelry?
LLaronda
Oh, no. You don't have to. Not if you aren't hungry. One bracelet gets you a burger. Four earrings, French fries.
I don't think this is legal.
LLaronda
Used to be only a couple of us down here, but business took off when Mama Kamala started slapping those "made in Africa" stickers on. Dust gets my allergies going. Yeah, well, the mold and rat droppings can't be helping. I'd take more, but it makes me sleepy.
MKMama Kamala
Idle hands are the devil's work, hmm?
[Kevin slides a shot and Frank downs it] Last one.
If I had a dime for every time I heard you say that, I'd have exactly one dime.
Court hearing's tomorrow.
I thought you already pissed in a cup.
Spot test. Anything to keep families apart. One more.
CChester
Amen, Frank. Gestapo tried to declare me an unfit parent.
You brought a crack pipe to the courthouse.
Who the hell tries to run a crack pipe through a metal detector?
I know the dog and pony-- show up in a suit, flash some AA chips, character reference. They'll hand the brats right over.
Well, it's nice to know the bar is set so high.
Nothing more American than a second chance. Or a third or a fourth. Redemption, tugs at the heartstrings. Shot for the road.
CChester
Oh, you be careful, Frank. Those child-stealing liberal bastards are out for blood.
Broke my judicial cherry years ago, Chester. They will never take my kids from me. I want the kids.
JJudge
Ms. Gallagher, you want to tell me why your father should be declared unfit?
We were living out of a car once. Uncle Nick had kicked us out. We couldn't find anyone else who'd take us in. Lip and Ian and me were sleeping in the backseat when Frank pulled over. Middle of the night. Think it was Halstead. Told me to take the boys and sit on the curb and he'd be right back. I was six. Few hours later, we're still sitting on the sidewalk and Ian's head is burning up. He's hysterical. I don't know what to do. So I ran down the street, Lip under one arm, Ian under the other, trying to flag down help. It would have been easier scoring crack than a ride to the clinic. I finally made it on foot. They said Ian had a fever of 104. Another couple hours later, who knows. I didn't find Frank until a couple days later. First thing he asked me, was how much money I had on me. Wish I could say that was the only time, but it was just the first. My mother is bipolar and my father is an alcoholic and an addict. He takes what he pleases and he offers nothing. No money, no support. I've done what I could to help raise my siblings. I wish I could've done more. I'm not asking for your pity or your admiration. I just want to be able to give these kids everything that they deserve because they're great kids. And they deserve better.
