Jordan quotes from Scrubs

Jordan

You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.

Elliot

You don't like Cox?

Jordan

Actually, I love Cox.

The Todd

[walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.

Jordan

See, that's the problem.

[offscreen] This sausage is huge!

The Todd

Excuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.

Carla

Now Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's got Jack, plus... she's not that emotionally available.

Jordan

[cheerfully] I'm dead inside!

Jordan

Anyway, I was thinking we need new table linens for the dining room. Well, not so much table linens as placemats. What do you think's prettier, burgundy or mauve?

Dr. Kelso

[While Jordan continues to talk continuously] What the hell's with her?

She's mad, but she can't give me the "silent treatment", because she knows I'd actually love that, so she's giving me the "talk until I want to commit suicide treatment".

Dr. Kelso

Sucks to be you.

You have no idea. [Doctor Kelso walks off]

Jordan

[is still talking as Doctor Cox starts eating his newspaper] What else do I need for that — OH! I need new pillow shams and I — I like cotton, but I think we should get a cotton blend because that's easier to clean and I hate ironing. Maybe we need a new housekeeper — maybe the housekeeper should come every single day now...

Gandhi, did you tell Jordan what I said about her wanting to cuddle? She doesn't like people to know that she actually cares for me!

Turk

Relax, she's pregnant, what could she possibly do?

Jack

Man check!

Jordan

Good boy, Jack, good boy!

Turk

He can't possibly make this my fault, right?

J.D.

Dorian. Dammit, now I'm doing it! [Stepping over Dr. Cox] Careful, he's gone fetal.

Okay, I made you breakfast, the kitchen's as clean as a whistle, I'm gonna drop Jack off at daycare on the way to work, is there anything else I can do for you?

Jordan

I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Somethingsen. I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a polaroid of the tomato plant that I planted last spring, because I'm worried it may have snails. Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word "slut" under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear, and don't forget to be home by 6:30 because you gotta give Jack his bath before you make my dinner!

But, when will I have time to kill myself?

Jordan

Well, that's not my problem!

Jordan

Wow! You guys look great! I'm gonna get a photographer.

Jordan, I hate this.

Dr. Kelso

Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.

Up yours, Bobbo.

Jack

Yeah, up yours, Bobbo!

Outstanding.

Jordan

What have you been doing all day?

Right up to this very moment I've been successfully avoiding you.

Jordan

I came to tell you that I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And, seeing that you're not allowed within forty feet from her house...

Ah, the restraining order.

Jordan

[smiling] Ahhh, Christmas memories...

J.D.

I'm doing this thing where I take a slice of someone else's wisdom and use it in my own life.

Jordan

Seems coincidental.

J.D.

And yet I do it almost every week.

Hi, I'm trying to keep non-medical personnel from coming back here. I'm the chief of medicine.

Jordan

I'm the chief of slag-smacking, so I'd keep moving if I were you.

That's very clever.

Jordan

Being clever's not how I got the job; smacking slags is.

Jordan

Excuse me? Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.

Dr. Kelso

What are you doing?

Jordan

I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.

Dr. Kelso

That pansy-assed little tattletale!

Jordan

Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out!

Dr. Kelso

Twenty years ago I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.

Jordan

And I would have loved it!

I wanna thank you for dinner last night. I've eaten by candlelight before, but never by firefly-light.

Yeah, it was hard to get them all into jugs, but I thought it was worth it. [clasping her hand] So, what do you want do do tonight?

[letting go] I don't really want to hold hands right now. Is that okay?

Ssure, You know, that's uhm, I'm fine with that. Whatever. Like, like teenage girls say: "whatever!" We're cool.

Okay. I'll call you. [leaves]

Hey Janitor, rock solid relationship there!

Jordan

You know, there's nothing like looking into someone's eyes and seeing a part of them die. Oh! There it goes. Bye bye, hope!

Everything is fine between me and Lady. And excuse me for not having a relationship built on a mutual affection for jet-black hate.

We don't hate each other. Do we?

Jordan

A little bit. But we make it work. At least I can hold your hand. [notices Cox's wedding ring] What's this? What the hell, are you wearing a wedding ring?

You're just noticing now? He's been wearing it for months.

Jordan

Months?

Gotta go! [runs off]

Jordan

[to Ted] Hey, sweat-stain, how's it going your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?

Ted

Oh, we're having sex like all the time.

Ted

Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?

Dr. Kelso

You try it!

Ted

[thinks, makes a horrified face] OH GOD!

Dr. Kelso

Not a pretty sight, is it?