Dr. Kelso quotes from Scrubs

Even though no one ever comes, every time I hit this nurse's button, I feel a bit better.

Dr. Kelso

That's morphine.

That explains it.

Dr. Kelso

Let's just say that around here, I'm not as loved as your Sargent Borden.

We hated Sgt. Borden.

Dr. Kelso

Come again?

Yeah, he demeaned us, overworked us... Still, maybe sometimes that's what being a good leader is. Uniting everyone by giving 'em someone to hate.

J.D.

In life, it seems we all have a role to play. Some of us are meant to be loved... and some of us, unfortunately, are meant to be hated.

Dr. Kelso

Goodnight, minions. Slagathor.

J.D.

But Dr. Kelso wouldn't have it any other way.

Dr. Kelso

My name is Bob Kelso, and I like whores. [pauses while the group stares] Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example. He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. And what did the patient do, doctor?

J.D.

Well, uh, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed [in a high falsetto] "I'll kill you bitches!", which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.

Dr. Kelso

Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell, and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?

Ted

Girlfriend's gonna get paid.

Hey Grandpa, a little help.

Dr. Kelso

Here you go, sport. But call me "Grandpa" again and you and I are going to play a little game called "hide the wingtip". There may be a generational gap here, I'll explain. The wingtip is my shoe, the hiding place is your ass.

Lonnie

Dr. Cox!

Dr. Kelso

You might want to knock, he's in an imaginary glass bubble.

[pantomimes opening a window] What?

Lonnie

[looking down at Dr. Cox] I need help with a patient.

Twenty minutes.

Lonnie

[begins to walk away, turns around] Hey, how long does it take for an old woman to slowly bleed to death?

Dr. Kelso

What are you thinking, Ted?

Ted

[voiceover] I could jam this [knife] through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in to stop me... [to Kelso] The usual, sir.

Dr. Kelso

Well, you'd never do it; you don't have the guts.

Carla

If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.

Dr. Kelso

Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems any more? I can't sleep more than 40 minutes without needing to take a whiz...

Carla

Unfortunately for you, someone left this invoice for the hospital needles on my desk. And they're really undercharging you! So, either you shell out the extra 20 grand a month for our raises, or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.

Dr. Kelso

[angrily] Ted, are you responsible for this?

Ted

[expressionless] Please, sir. I don't have the guts. [voiceover, deliriously happy] Oh yeah! Suck it bitch! I will murder you!

Jordan

Wow! You guys look great! I'm gonna get a photographer.

Jordan, I hate this.

Dr. Kelso

Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.

Up yours, Bobbo.

Jack

Yeah, up yours, Bobbo!

Outstanding.

[noticing Kelso's head] Fair enough.

Turk

[calling] What it do, Beardface?

It's Beardfacé! BEARDFACÉ, DAMMIT!

Dr. Kelso

Calm down, Seymour.

If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta lose the beard. Of course... then you'd be Doctor Face...

Dr. Kelso

HA! Dr. Face.

DAMN you all!

[to his girlfriend Lady] I think it's time you learned the real me. Here we go. I'm not... like normal people. I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it. For instance, watch me move this pen. [stares at pen; it doesn't move] It worked at home. I don't know. Maybe my table's slanted. Uh, anyway. Um, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get it... the circle of life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.

Kelso

Ha! I love a good trainwreck! [Carla goes to interfere]

Furthermore, I think if you look closely enough at a...

Carla

Stop it you! She doesn't know you're joking.

No, I'm...

Oh, he's... he's joking? [Carla nods] Oh thank God.

So, Gandhi, what did your wife think of her terrible present?

Turk

I haven't told her yet. I mean, I was going to, but her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.

Dr Kelso

You got brinner? DAAAAAMN, Turkledawg!

Elliot

[reading off the bathroom stall's wall] "Rate Dr. Reid's butt?"... Yes! 9.2! Thank God this hospital's full of white guys.

Kelso

Don't be too pleased with that 9.2. That's out of 100.

Jordan

Excuse me? Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.

Dr. Kelso

What are you doing?

Jordan

I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.

Dr. Kelso

That pansy-assed little tattletale!

Jordan

Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out!

Dr. Kelso

Twenty years ago I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.

Jordan

And I would have loved it!

So this is what fear feels like. It's kind of like being drunk, only in a very sad way. You're just lovin' watchin' me fall apart like this, huh?

Dr. Kelso

More than comfy shoes and a warm place to crap. But you're gonna take this job. Partly because you were meant to do it, but mostly because if you don't I will always remind you that you are a sackless little fraidy-cat.

Why the hell'd you try to talk me out of it?

Dr. Kelso

I had to tell you the truth to prepare you. If I'd fluffed it up, you would've tortured me forever.

So you actually think I'm the man for the job?

Dr. Kelso

Who the hell do you think recommended you?

Thank you.

Dr. Kelso

You're welcome.

Oh, God, no.

Dr. Kelso

What?

You don't really think we're becoming friends, do you?

Dr. Kelso

[Realizes] Good Lord, I hope not.

Dr. Kelso

So that's what a Chief of Medicine does!

Oh now, what's with the lab coat, Bob?

Dr. Kelso

Ah, the old gal down in the pharmacy doesn't know that I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.