Dr. Kelso quotes from Scrubs

Dr. Kelso

What do you want?

I'm getting ready to torture Nurse Chestwhiskers [Carla], but it's her word against mine, so I need you to verify yesterday's incident.

Dr. Kelso

What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.

You were there.

Dr. Kelso

Excuse me. [holds a muffin to his ear] What? Ssh, he's standing right here!

Me?

Dr. Kelso

Okay, I'll tell him. [to Janitor] My muffin thinks you're crazy and she wants you to go.

Tell your muffin that I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go!

Dr. Kelso

No.

What is happening to me? [leaves, upset]

Carla

So, how was your honeymoon? Did you know Kelso stayed in the Bahamas too?

I love you.

Dr. Kelso

I love you too. Let's never leave.

[uncomfortable] Yeah, we saw him...

Dr. Kelso

Yeah, I'm sorry. I was so blitzed on rum drinks I didn't know where I was. I feel horrible.

Oh, no, stop it. At first, you were like the third wheel from hell, but then we made you do stuff. Made you pay for our meals, got you in a couple bar fights... On the beach, we bet you you couldn't eat a starfish.

Dr. Kelso

And?

I owe you a buck.

Jordan

[to Ted] Hey, sweat-stain, how's it going your girlfriend now that you guys are roomies?

Ted

Oh, we're having sex like all the time.

Ted

Why do people react like that when they picture me having sex?

Dr. Kelso

You try it!

Ted

[thinks, makes a horrified face] OH GOD!

Dr. Kelso

Not a pretty sight, is it?

Ted

Dr. Cox, did you hear that I'm quitting?

I did, Ted, and I don't know how to pretend to care.

Ted

Understandable.

Dr. Kelso

Theodore, I always figured that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.

Ted

Yeah, that was the dream. But the Gooch and I are taking some time off and touring the country.

We've written a song for every state.

I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to Hell.

And now, a boring announcement about a pointless tradition, brought to you by an aging figurehead with a failing liver and an over-active libido.

Dr. Kelso

Thank you, Perry, you anger-filled muscle-slut.

I miss this.

Dr. Kelso

Me, too. It kills me that we're friends now.

Dr. Kelso

Anyway, I got a little bit lightheaded, so we're going to run some tests.

Turk

I wouldn't worry about it. A few years back, I got a little light-headed myself. Turns out it was, well... it was diabetes. That's a bad example.