Dr. Kelso quotes from Scrubs

Dr. Kelso

Do you think I got to be chief of medicine by being late?

No. You got there by back-stabbing and ass-kissing.

Dr. Kelso

Maybe so, but I started those things promptly at eight.

Bob, I cannot believe you're going to turn this hospital into a money-making machine that coerces people into spending their hard-earned cash on expensive procedures they don't even need.

Dr. Kelso

Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.

Dr. Kelso

[Drunk] Dr. Turkleton!

Turk

Actually sir, it's just Turk.

Dr. Kelso

That's your first name.

Turk

You think my name is Turk Turkleton?

Dr. Kelso

[Carla walks up] And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! [chuckles; leaves to find bartender] Can I get another Scotch?

Dr. Kelso

So what do you think?

I’ll tell you there, Bobbo, either this kid has a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.

Turk

Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?

Elliot

Mrs. Kahn, my second year.

Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.

Kelso

I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?

On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.

Todd

Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.

Then later that third day... [his beeper goes off] Oh boy, that can't be good.

No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?

Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?

Dr. Kelso

With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the Board for trying to con her out of meds.

Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!

Dr. Kelso

Well, that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling.

Exactly!

[to Neena] Okay, missy. Knowing damn sure that you'll sue us if the slightest thing should go wrong with this elective procedure, we're gonna go ahead and elect not to do it.

Neena

You can't do that.

Really? Bob?

Dr. Kelso

Hospitals can refuse treatment on a non-emergency patient. Here's a list of places we can refer you to. Thanks for playing.

Neena Broderick

Mr. Corman is contending that the shoulder surgery he received ruined his tennis serve. I'm going to start by asking Dr. Turk if his diabetes could have affected his performance in any way.

Dr. Kelso

[to Turk] You're a diabetic?

Turk

Yes. I told you that.

Dr. Kelso

I thought you were joking!

Turk

How is that funny?

Dr. Kelso

Well, it's a very serious disease, and I don't like you!

J.D.

(narrating) I couldn't decide whether I should tell Murray his dad wasn't his dad. Luckily hospitals are full of supportive colleagues eager to help.

Dr. Kelso

Go tell that little bastard this second before he coughs a kidney up to his fake father and sues this hospital. Write that down in your little unicorn book.

J.D.

It's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on its head!

You know I'm a unicorn, why can't you just say it?

Dr. Kelso

What in the hell are you doing?

Turk

I get to have sex!

Dr. Kelso

I hate this place.

J.D.

Look, Elliot, I've got my own problems. I don't have time to deal with your little sex pickle.

Dr. Kelso

[passing by in his Rascal motor-chair] Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.

J.D.

I hate that thing!

Dr. Kelso

Perry, I get the feeling something is bothering you.

Bob, people have a private life and a professional life, and usually those two hells are kept pretty separate. For instance, I don't know that much about your home life other than the fact that you treat your wife like a dog, your dog like a wife, and your son like an androgynous ne'er-do-well who drained your retirement nest egg to open up a yarn shop in Minneapolis.

Dr. Kelso

Harrison posted his first profit this quarter.

Aces. And I'm guessing that's because his significant other...

Dr. Kelso

Terence.

...Terence, doesn't follow him around the shop all day telling him just exactly what color is "in" this season or showing all the other employees that he is not in fact the boss of his own life. You see, the woman is everywhere. She's there when I work out in the morning, when I work out in the car on the way to work, and when I work out when I get to work. I can't seem to get away from her. That used to be fine, when she just came by for five minutes every month or so to feed on my dignity, but now I'd honestly kill myself, Bob, if I weren't absolutely certain that Jordan would be waiting for me in the afterlife. You see, typical of her, she went ahead and signed us up for an eternal tandem bike ride all along the banks of the River Styx.

Dr. Kelso

I'm so glad you shared.

Dr. Kelso

This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A.—

Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill You and Stuff You and Leave You by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face...of the Year.

Dr. Kelso

And we're back.

Jordan

Anyway, I was thinking we need new table linens for the dining room. Well, not so much table linens as placemats. What do you think's prettier, burgundy or mauve?

Dr. Kelso

[While Jordan continues to talk continuously] What the hell's with her?

She's mad, but she can't give me the "silent treatment", because she knows I'd actually love that, so she's giving me the "talk until I want to commit suicide treatment".

Dr. Kelso

Sucks to be you.

You have no idea. [Doctor Kelso walks off]

Jordan

[is still talking as Doctor Cox starts eating his newspaper] What else do I need for that — OH! I need new pillow shams and I — I like cotton, but I think we should get a cotton blend because that's easier to clean and I hate ironing. Maybe we need a new housekeeper — maybe the housekeeper should come every single day now...

Dr. Kelso

Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".

[excitedly] Debbie is actually my name!

Dr. Kelso

Then out of fairness to the others, you will be "Slagathor". Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office. If you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.