[J.D. walks up to the Janitor, dragging Elliot by her arm]
I want you to tell her the truth, dammit, alright? Tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being.
[A small boy is standing next to the Janitor]
ElliotOh my God, J.D.! [leaves]
I-I-I'm sorry. I-I didn't even see him there...
JJanitor
No. I'm glad he heard it. I think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us.
...I'm so sorry. [walks away ashamed]
JJanitor
[to kid] Who the hell are you? ...Go on, beat it. Scram! ...Alright, stick around.
I decided to take Jamie out on a date.
You know, Tasty Coma Wife?
Elliot
No way!
Nice job there, Hooch. I tell you what: You give me some prep time, and I'll rig it so the husband can come with you. Honest to God, I'll have him sitting right next to you. Whaddaya say?
[In J.D.'s fantasy, Mr. Moyer appears from over his shoulder]
MMr. Moyer
I'm free, and I love Italian.
[cuts back to reality]
I can't believe you, Bambi!
Elliot
What are you thinking?
Oh, Rin Tin Tin Tin Tin...
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP AND SHUT UP, OK?! Who are you people to give me advice about anything?! All you do is just bitch about your relationships all day long! [to Dr. Cox] And you know what, glare all you want, big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. [mimicking Cox] "Oh no! Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!" That must be so hard for "Dr. Look-At-Me", isn't it? "LOOK AT ME!" [to Turk and Carla] And you two? What, you're arguing since you got engaged? Wow, you're probably the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared, is it? [to Elliot] And you! Y-you know what, let's just — let's just forget for one second, that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because, for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. [to everyone] Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is that while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are!
[He storms out. Laverne walks in]
Did I miss something good?
Elliot
Dr. Cox...
[angrily, to computer] Work. I hate you. You suck.
Elliot
I know, but I've been trying harder lately—
Barbie? Talking to the computer, but nice self esteem.
PPaul
Hey cowboy, how about you back off the little lady, and we'll all agree that you're really, really scary.
Look Flowers, I know your pink scrubs are balled up at the base of Barbie's bed three nights a week, and congrats on that, really. But if you're gonna go ahead and have a showdown with everyone who hassles her, you two won't have time for that sweet, Aryan sex that you love so much. Hit the bricks, towheads.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the whole "It's your baby" thing.
You know, the funny thing is, I wasn't even mad at Jordan.
No. I was scared, because I'm quite confident that I'm going to be a terrible father.
You? You're going to be a very scary... I mean, great father. Like last night, when you totally kicked our asses because we deserved it. Ad do you remember that time when you told me I wasn't the worst resident who ever lived?
You mean, like, eight seconds ago?
You have no idea what that meant to me.
I said I think you might not be the worst resident of all time. But I can't be sure of that. I mean, c'mon, I haven't done the appropriate legwork.
Dr. Cox, you're always there when we need you. I think you've got this fathering thing down. [they look over at Kelso, who is berating Elliot until she is near tears] See, if she was your daughter, you'd totally know how to handle it.
[Cox walks up to Kelso and knocks him out with one punch]
You're doing fine there, Barbie.
Elliot
[stunned] ...Thank you?
Everybody have a good one! [smiles warmly at Elliot] I'm going home to see my son. [steps over Kelso] 'Scuse me, there, Bobbo.
[narration] That may come up tomorrow.
You'll be okay, Marshmallow.
Elliot
Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?
Well, yeah... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.
Elliot
[Upon applying red lipstick in preparation for a date] Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?
No... Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute that caters exclusively to clowns.
Elliot
Oh! Ah... that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.
Elliot
Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day.
PPriest
Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?
MMMaureen McCormick
My name is Maureen McCormick.
Marcia, please! Father, continue.
Elliot
But Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso said-
Ughssssh- I don't ever want to hear anything that's come out of that man's mouth unless, of course, it's "I'm dying. Now I'm moving towards the light. But wait, there's been a mistake! This is Hell! Hello, Hitler; hello, Mussolini. Captain Kanagaroo! That's weird!" Don't you see, Barbie? I would rather listen to you go on and on about the joys of... dolphin sex.
Elliot
Dolphin trainer sex. My boyfriend is a dolphin trainer.
I hear that's a shame. Because the dolphin thing used to make you so interesting. Too bad. We are moving on.
You heard him, people- we're moving on.
[Groans] Oh, God, help me.
Elliot
Oh my God! She has a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?
Her vagina, Elliot. She has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.
[Turk walks in]
This just isn't fair, not fair at all it's ridiculous! [storms off, Elliot follows him]
[looking at the picture] It does look a little sad. They always do.
[to J.D., who is flaunting his new hair wax] Your hair smells like Elliot's.
Well, your breath smells like chimichangas! [storms off]
[to Elliot] Was that racist?
Elliot
Well, it depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?
Elliot
I can't find that girl's little pink doggie anywhere.
I got a pink doggie for you, but it's not little!
Elliot
Todd, if you show me your penis, I'm going to take it away from you.
Elliot
Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?
He was here like 8 years ago complaining of the same abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication, he went A.M.A.
Elliot
So he just took the drugs and bolted?
No... he took some towels too.
Elliot
You know, Dr Cox, you think that you have seen it all and done it all, but guess what? You haven’t done me. [Storms off.]
[Everyone turns to stare at Cox.]
Give her a second there, gang.
Elliot
[Coming back.] That didn’t come out right.
Scrubs · 394 quotes
