Dr. Elliot Reid quotes from Scrubs

Turk

Remember my first year, Mr. Quinn?

Elliot

Mrs. Kahn, my second year.

Mr. Studabaker, forty minutes into my first day.

Kelso

I've been a doctor for thirty years. What do you think?

On my third day there was Mr. Kirschner.

Todd

Jenny Roth about eight weeks ago. It was really tough, because she was hot.

Then later that third day... [his beeper goes off] Oh boy, that can't be good.

No, newbie, I've not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So right about now you gotta be asking yourself: do you think you're that good?

(to Elliot) Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.

Elliot

Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!

Elliot

(to a cafeteria worker) Do you have chocolate cake today?

Nope.

Elliot

Oh. Isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day!

Turk

Elliot, relax; I never get chocolate cake.

Elliot

Oh, right, 'cause you're diabetic. Boo-hoo! You know what, Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!

Elliot

I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club, I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.

Carla

Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.

Jordan

(to the security guard) Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty.

Jordan

Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.

Elliot

Hm. Very classy.

Jordan

Don't judge me, stick. You do what you have to do to level the playing field.

Elliot

Well, Carla and I would never behave that way.

Carla

(holding a plate of chocolate cake) Thank you.

Elliot

How'd you get chocolate cake? He said they didn't have any!

Carla

Oh. I just did like this (thrusts her cleavage) and said, "Got cake?"

Elliot

Okay, so I tried to get some x-rays back from the lab tech by making a kissy face, and he asked me if I had palsy!

Jordan

Elliot, if you want to get ahead, you have to use what God gave ya!

Carla

Or in your case, what Dr. Fineberg gave you.

Jordan

Exactly!

Elliot

Oh, I'll just be a sec. Dave, can I get an orange soda? I'm so hot and thirsty.

It's on me. (gives Elliot the orange soda)

I'd like an orange soda too.

Oh, I'm sorry, that was the last one. How sad.

J.D.

I can't believe Turk and Carla are kicking me out.

Elliot

Mm. When I was fifteen, my parents threatened to do the same thing, so I called them on it.

J.D.

They let you stay?

Elliot

Nope. I lived with the Babcocks for two years. I didn't have a lot of rules, though, because they were really old and they thought I was a ghost.

Molly

You know, they make thongs specifically for low-riders now.

Elliot

They don't work for me. I still can't sit down without showing the whole world the crack of my ass. The other night, some guy tried to put a pen in it.

J.D.

[narration] "Some guy"... I never get credit for anything!

J.D.

Why can't Carla just let this go?

Elliot

Wouldn't you be mad if you caught your husband talking to his ex-girlfriend?

J.D.

Yeah... but mostly because I had a husband.

I need your help.

Elliot

Fine, but I have three rules. One, when we're in the room you say nothing. Two, I get to say whatever I want about you. And three, if you break rule one or two, I get to boing your curls.

What the hell does "boing" mean?

Elliot

[pulling on one of Dr. Cox's curls and releasing it] Booiinnng.

Oh God—this is gonna kill me.

Carla

[about Dr. Cox, in his presence] Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?

Elliot

He doesn't have one.

Carla

Exactly! But what does he have?

Elliot

A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.

Ohh! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is a giant ego! I have a giant ego!

Elliot

I don't think we're going too fast at all. By the way, what do you do?

I make and distribute Hungarian pornography.

Elliot

[horrified] Ohh....

I'm a real estate developer.

Elliot

Oh, thank God!

J.D.

[narration] Maybe I was being unfair to Turk. Maybe it's too much to expect a friend to just sense that you're upset and wanna talk about it. [turns corner in the hallway to where Elliot and Carla are talking]

Elliot

Carla, I can sense that you're upset. Talk to me!

J.D.

[narration] OK, but Turk's a prideful guy, and it's hard for prideful guys to admit when they've been insensitive. [turns corner in the hallway to where Dr. Cox and Jordan are talking]

Listen, Jordan, I've been incredibly insensitive.

J.D.

[narration] Touché, magic hallway!

Elliot

Ronald's gonna be mad.

J.D.

Yeah? He's six. What's he gonna do, kick my ass? [voiceover] Again.

Carla

Elliot, I can't believe you would do that.

Turk

What'd you do?

J.D.

Was it naughty?

Elliot

[to J.D. and Turk] You see, yesterday I went shoe shopping, and there was this one pair of...

[looking off into space, to themselves] Shoe shopping.

Carla

[to Elliot] Great, we can talk. What were you thinking?

Elliot

So, we kissed. I've been treating his kid for a week now and we just hit it off, you know. It started off with some innocent flirting: "Hi, I'm Dr. Reid"... "Why is there blood in my son's stool?"...