J.D. quotes from Scrubs

J.D

[narration] ...That's why it's always nice when someone takes the time to reach out and befriend you.

[Approaching from behind a wall] Hey! I'm Ron, I'm a new doctor here.

J.D

Hey Ron, the "I don't care" ward's down there.

J.D.

[narration] Even though I was already an amazing doctor, when I became chief resident I decided to add a little something extra to my repertoire. A hook, if you will.

J.D.

[into recorder] Mrs. McCullum, forties. Moderately attractive, condition improving.

Did you just say I was moderately attractive?

J.D.

Excuse me, Mrs. McCullum. [into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.

J.D.

What happened?

Dan

What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel 800 miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "hey, how are things?"

J.D.

Dan.

Dan

...Dad died.

J.D.

...There's ice cream in the fridge.

Molly

I'm sorry, I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people and you're just too normal.

J.D.

[narration] Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.

J.D.

My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how much I try I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.

J.D.

[narration] At that very moment I feared I had divulged too much.

J.D.

Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.

Molly

Wow. [kisses J.D.]

J.D.

What are you doing?!

It's been four years! How do you not get how this works?!

J.D.

[narration] Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs. [to Neena] Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.

Neena Broderick

[laughs] That's really funny.

J.D.

[narration] Well, that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious.

J.D.

(narrating) I couldn't decide whether I should tell Murray his dad wasn't his dad. Luckily hospitals are full of supportive colleagues eager to help.

Dr. Kelso

Go tell that little bastard this second before he coughs a kidney up to his fake father and sues this hospital. Write that down in your little unicorn book.

J.D.

It's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on its head!

You know I'm a unicorn, why can't you just say it?

(to J.D.) Hey, I bought you a present.

J.D.

Oh, my God, a journal!

Well, you seem like the kind of sensitive young buck that likes to chronicle his feelings.

J.D.

(narrating) I can't wait to chronicle this one!

Murray

(to J.D.) Look, you obviously have some issues with your own father that you're projecting onto me, so why don't you go ahead and give him a jingle?

J.D.

He's dead.

Murray

Good stuff!

J.D.

No I'm serious.

Murray

Classic!

J.D.

He had like a massive heart attack.

Murray

I'm sorry for your loss.

J.D.

(narrating) Make the flesh and blood argument again, but in a different way.

J.D.

Blood and flesh, Murray.

Murray

I'll do it.

J.D.

(narrating) Jackpot!

J.D.

(to Dr. Cox) Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!

Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Like, say, he's got a son. Or he's 29 years old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover?

J.D.

Ah, that's a horse with a sword on his head, and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.

J.D.

(to Murray) Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me, like every second of my life.

Murray

Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father?

J.D.

Remember? Recently deceased dad?

Murray

Massive heart attack!

J.D.

Yes! I mean, yes.

J.D.

Hey I just wanted to take a second to thank you, For constantly berating me doubting my abilities and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.

My pleasure.

Saaaay... that was some real Nancy Drew work there... Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing!

J.D.

Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.

Did you somehow think that you weren't annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you, you ARE annoying enough. In fact, you're the number one contender for the Middleweight Annoyance Crown.

J.D.

Well, you're the number one jealous weight for the jealous... weight jealous... champ.

HE'S DONE IT! HE'S DONE IT! DORIAN IS THE MOST - ANNOYING - MAN - IN THE WORLD! WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT, A JOURNEYMAN ANNOYER LIKE DORIAN?... [trails off as he leaves the room]

J.D.

You are a close second!

I'm getting my Masters in Political Science.

J.D.

I love politics, ask me anything. [narration] What are you doing? You don't know anything about politics. You're screwed unless she asks about Bush or the bald assistant president who has all those heart attacks.