J.D. quotes from Scrubs

Danni

What are you doing here?

I called him. Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of... well...

Jordan

Guilt.

No, not that.

J.D.

Guilt?

Yes, that.

I... I don't like her to be right.

Elliot

But Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso said-

Ughssssh- I don't ever want to hear anything that's come out of that man's mouth unless, of course, it's "I'm dying. Now I'm moving towards the light. But wait, there's been a mistake! This is Hell! Hello, Hitler; hello, Mussolini. Captain Kanagaroo! That's weird!" Don't you see, Barbie? I would rather listen to you go on and on about the joys of... dolphin sex.

Elliot

Dolphin trainer sex. My boyfriend is a dolphin trainer.

I hear that's a shame. Because the dolphin thing used to make you so interesting. Too bad. We are moving on.

J.D.

You heard him, people- we're moving on.

[Groans] Oh, God, help me.

J.D.

God help him.

J.D.

She’s not moving in permanently, she’s just crashing for a while.

Laverne

Mmm hmmm.

About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to crash for a while. Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment centre and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice, I don’t even know anymore.

Turk

If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.

Carla

That's sweet—while your mother lays there dying!

Turk

[to J.D.] Tell her.

J.D.

His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.

Turk

It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... because I love my mom.

J.D.

Mmm... and I would love her too!

Carla

New low.

As Residency Director, it is my pleasure to have both surgical and medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room, we have enough brainpower to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws.

[taking notes, whispering to J.D.] Stringent what?

J.D.

[whispering to Doug] Stringent updoc. [to Turk] It's happening.

Yes, nervous guy?

What's "up Doc"?

Carla

[to J.D., who is flaunting his new hair wax] Your hair smells like Elliot's.

J.D.

Well, your breath smells like chimichangas! [storms off]

Carla

[to Elliot] Was that racist?

Elliot

Well, it depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?

Carla

...Maybe.

Shower Shorts?

J.D

For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.

[talking to Ben] Hey, where's your camera? Aren't you... Aren't you gonna take some pictures?

J.D.

Pictures of what?

Y'know, crying babies covered in chocolate. People singing "Happy birthday" to my son who've never even met him before? Y'know, the-- The whole routine!

J.D.

Where do you think we are?

Listen, Abby, I didn't write to you for advice, so if you continue down this road you are going to be eating, breathing and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind! Signed, Dealing With It On His Own, from Kansas.

J.D.

I once wrote to Abby because I didn't have any hair like the rest of the boys. By the time an answer came back it was like a forest down there! But, you know, nothing ventured.

I'm looking for streamers and a marching band because this will be the ceremonial one millionth time I've had to shake off something you've said.

Listen to me, never stick any part of your hairless body in my life again. Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it, because even if you went on a cruise to the furthest parts of the ocean and rescued my salt-soaked body in time to pump the sea water out of my lungs and bring me back from the brink of death, I would still be disappointed that the first face I saw was yours.

J.D.

Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!

Lonnie

Mr. Miliken just died and his family needs to be notified. And since I’m still kinda new at this, I was hoping you could do it.

J.D.

So you steal my research project and now you want me to do your dirty work?

Lonnie

Dr Cox told me if you said that to say, “That’s right, Melinda.”

Danni

Do you even enjoy spending time with me?

J.D.

"Enjoy" is such a strong word. I... I'm used to it! Y'know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.

J.D.

[to Dr. Cox] C'mon, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station! You must have a metaphor you want to use. Hit me with it.

I suppose I could riff on a list of things I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see. Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV. Wireless hotspots. The Bush daughters. The O.C. The U.N. Getting Punk'd. Danny Gans. The Latin Grammys. The real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much. The Yankees' payroll. All the red states. All the blue states. Every hybrid car. Every talk show host. Everything on the planet. Everything in the solar system. Everything-everything-everything-everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh... and Hugh Jackman! [leaves]

J.D.

Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!

Newbie, do you want me to give my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.

J.D.

I agrizzle, my nizzle.

Newbie, how you doing?

J.D.

[voiceover] OK, keep it together. It's "be a man" time. [out loud, barely holding together] No, it's fine. You did what you had to do! You went with your gut. Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though. [hysterically] Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love?! Who's going to tell my mom?! And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards?! [Falls to his knees, throwing business cards everywhere]

Relax, Scarlet, you're chief resident too.

J.D.

Uh, what now?

Well, I figure with her being ridiculously book-smart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills, and you being warm and cuddly as an un-potty trained labradoodle, and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an un-potty trained labradoodle, together, the two of you make one barely passable doctor...-slash-labradoodle.

J.D.

So wait, why didn't you just say that in the first place?

What, and miss your hall-of-fame hissy? Not on your life.