Darlene Conner quotes from Roseanne

Darlene

[Becky's new boyfriend knocks at the door] I'll get it!

Roseanne

No, Darlene, no! We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.

God, I hate this family.

Darlene

Hey Mark, two plus two?

Mark

What?

Darlene

Yeah, I thought so.

Jackie

Are you sure?

Dan

Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years: every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.

Crystal

I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.

Dan

And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly pleasant"?

I'm gonna be at the mall.

Darlene

I've got basketball practice.

Crystal

Me too.

Bev

You know, Darlene, you're very lucky to have such a popular sister. When you start dating she could give you some pointers. (winks)

Darlene

Yeah well, if she's so popular, just ask her which one of us got felt up. (winks)

Roseanne

Darlene, leave the table.

Darlene

Yeah, I knew that'd do it.

Dan

What's wrong with DJ?

Darlene

Oh, his death ray broke.

Dan

How did that happen?

Darlene

Oh that's not important.

Darlene

Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo.

Dan

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No butt-kissing at the dinner table.

Darlene

From down the street?

No, the guy I went out with.

Darlene

Oh, yeah! The stupid one.

He's not stupid, he's gorgeous. I mean, you just wish you could meet a guy like that.

Darlene

Yeah well, if I wait a couple years, he'll be in my grade.

Hello. This is Barry Parker. Is this Darlene?

Just a second, Barry. I'll get her. (screams) DARLENE! HURRY! IT'S HIM!

Darlene

OK, I just became the kind of girl I hate. Now gimme the phone.

Darlene

I got fifty bucks you can borrow, Beck. That'll leave you with only $12.50.

What's in it for you?

Darlene

Well, I'll lend you the money, interest free, then when I'm sixteen, we share the car.

You think I'm gonna share a car with you? No way.

Darlene

Then forget it. Junior Miss can take the bus until she's forty.

Jackie

We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.

Darlene

Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.

Roseanne

[to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?

[about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.

Dan

He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain others in this household, considering what happened to me yesterday.

Darlene

You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take one shot. Now that is love.

Dan

[patting Darlene on the head] Thank you, dear.

[to Darlene] Oh right, suck up for the inheritance!

Darlene

Okay, she wants to see the blue dress, let's show her the blue dress. [Darlene and Becky leave the room to show Roseanne, then, starting a loop, come back immediately] It's too blue. [In an orange dress] Looked better on the hanger. [In a red dress] Rhubarb with hair. [In a green dress] Makes too much noise when I walk. [A different blue dress] Makes me look lopsided.

[following Darlene] Well, you do look like Judy Jetson.

Dan

Well listen, if this Barry guy tries to hold you too close, just tell him you've gotta throw up.

Darlene

Oh, I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.

What's all this fuss about Mother's Day? I don't remember us getting like a Kids' Day.

Dan

Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.

Darlene

God, don't you just want to smack them when they say stuff like that!?

Crystal

[sobbing about why her baby won't sleep at night] Well, why won't he sleep?! I've tried everything, even the washing machine!

Darlene

You put him in the washing machine??

Crystal

No, Darlene. You put him in his little baby seat on the washer, and the vibrations are supposed to soothe him to sleep.

Roseanne

[to Darlene] Yeah, you know, when you were a baby we couldn't afford a washing machine, so I had to take you down to the river and beat you against a rock.