Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

I can't stand it no more, Dan. I gotta push.

Dan

No, no, not 'til the doctor gets here. Come on, blow.

Roseanne

[after a few quick breaths] Okay, okay, it passed.

Dan

You're pushing.

Roseanne

No I'm not!

Dan

Yes, you are! If you aren't going to do this right, let's forget the whole thing.

Roseanne

Oh, right, we'll just go home. God, you're such a moron!

Dan

Well listen, if this Barry guy tries to hold you too close, just tell him you've gotta throw up.

Darlene

Oh, I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.

What's all this fuss about Mother's Day? I don't remember us getting like a Kids' Day.

Dan

Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.

Darlene

God, don't you just want to smack them when they say stuff like that!?

Roseanne

Becky wants me to take her and get her some birth control. [Dan heads for the back of the shop] Where are you going?

Dan

Oh, I'm gonna kill Mark. He's in back, so I have to go in the back to kill him.

Dan

Oh my god! I can't believe we forgot about him again.

Roseanne

Boy, he better learn how to bitch and moan like his sisters, or he ain't going to make it in this family.

Roseanne

(to D.J.) Remember, since the last time, your dad made that rule: no more pets.

Dan

(with the dog) Yes, you're just a happy boy, yes you are. Look at you, waggin' your happy little tail. Mmm mmm mmm, ah-oooohh.

Roseanne

Dan, would you like to explain your "no more pets" rule or keep making out with the dog?

Dan

Hey honey, why didn't you tell me Leon was gay?

Roseanne

What difference does it make? You're all pigs!

[talking about a Halloween prank Dan and Roseanne pulled on Kathy earlier] Oh boy, I gotta tell you Dan, Kathy was so mad about that, she didn't say a word to me all day.

Dan

Well I guess you owe me a beer, Jer.

[chuckling] Yea, I guess I do.

Dan

So you want to just take off and leave the kids?

Roseanne

Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!!

Dan

Mmmm, what smells good?

Roseanne

Prime rib, baked potatoes and all the trimmings.

Dan

Say, that does smell good. What are we having?

Roseanne

Somethin' I need scissors for.

Nana Mary

Hey, caveman, don't get fresh with me.

Dan

Not gettin' fresh with ya, I'm just friskin' you for silverware, you crazy bat!

God, I hate my life!

Dan

Tough day, honey?

My job sucks, my boss is a big dumb jerk.

Dan

(still looking at paper) Too bad, dear.

And I can't quit because there's never any money around here for anything I want.

Dan

Sorry, sweetheart.

And if you expect me to clean up this rat hole, you're nuts! I'm taking a bath and going to bed.

Dan

(continuing to look at the paper) 'Night, Rosie.

Mark just gave me my Christmas present a little early.

Dan

What'd he give you.

Dad, I'm kidding. I got it out of a gumball machine. It's a joke.

Dan

Don't you ever do that again.

Okay, I'm sorry, I thought you'd laugh.

Dan

No, that was not funny. That was cruel. [Looking out the kitchen window] Ooh, here comes your mom. Do it to her.

Roseanne

[in a dream sequence, she looks at herself in the mirror after her surgery, sees her breasts which have been grotesquely enlarged instead of reduced, and screams]

Dan

Great, huh?

Roseanne

They were supposed to make 'em SMALLER!

Dan

This is better!

Roseanne

Oh my GOD! OH MY GOD!!!

Calm down, Mrs. Conner, calm down. I've got your Jell-O right here.

Roseanne

WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?! WHAT HAPPENED?!

You had a breast enlargement.

Dan

And a great one!

Roseanne

I was supposed to have a REDUCTION! You made a mistake!

That's not true, Mrs. Conner. See, here's your release form, right there, there's your signature.

Roseanne

But my doctor told me what he was gonna do! Where is he? I wanna see my doctor! I wanna see him NOW!!!

Right away. [opens the door, calling as she leaves] Doctor, we need you!

[enters room] Yes? What's wrong, not big enough?

DJ

I thought it was good to be a man.

Dan

Oh, no. Not since the late '60s, son