Dan Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

You know, of all of the people in the world to have as a role model, our kid has to pick Eddie Munster.

Dan

You're the one who thought it would be great to have a son.

Roseanne

Well, it would have.

Dan

Whatcha doin'?

Roseanne

Oh, I'm packing D.J.'s little duffle bag. He's going to stay over at little Warren's house tonight.

Dan

You think that's a good idea? I mean, isn't little Warren the one that tied all those squirrel together?

Roseanne

No! That was D.J. [pause] Little Warren just stunned 'em.

Dan

What's wrong with DJ?

Darlene

Oh, his death ray broke.

Dan

How did that happen?

Darlene

Oh that's not important.

What's it look like I'm doing? I'm nursing a beer and watching a dirty movie through all these lines.

Dan

Why don't you just pay them the extra four bucks and they'll unscramble it?

Then they'd know I'm in here watching a dirty movie.

No one could eat this crud.

Dan

Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not gonna get any crap for dessert.

Darlene

Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo.

Dan

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No butt-kissing at the dinner table.

(to Dan) God! You're beginning to sound like Mom!

Dan

Hold it! (to Roseanne) If I find that really insulting, will it bother you?

Dan

(to Roseanne after arguing with Becky) This whole marriage-family thing has been a lot of fun, but I gotta go.

Roseanne

Damn, I lose more husbands that way.

Dan

Deej, what's goin' on?

D.J.

It's OK. As long as I give Kevin Morgan two Twinkies every day, he won't beat me up.

Dan

No, it's not OK. You can't go through life giving in to bullies.

DJ

But I wanna live!

Roseanne

Don't encourage him!

Dan

Kid's a genius!

Roseanne

He's an extortionist! So, what, now I'm buying Twinkies for Maxine instead of Kevin?

D.J.

No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he'd give me two Twinkies every day. Then I give one to Maxine and eat the other one. Doesn't cost you anything.

Roseanne

He IS a genius.

Roseanne

Geez, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts like a total baby.

Dan

[yells] What's that honey?

Roseanne

[yells back] I said, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts just like a baby!

Dan

Oh, ok.

Roseanne

Look at these really cool sunglasses.

Dan

What do you need those for? You never leave the casino.

Roseanne

That's so nobody can see my eyes when I'm bluffing.

Dan

You can't bluff a slot machine.

Roseanne

I don't see why not, you talk to the dice.

Dan

Oh look, it's our favorite fun couple: Becky and anybody-but-that-guy.

Roseanne

Oh man, he makes my skin crawl...

Dan

Ah...honey, just put on your best fake smile.

I just don't want you to hate Mark.

Dan

I don't hate Mark.

Mom does.

Dan

Oh, Mom definitely hates him...definitely...hate. Mom does, yes.

[about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.

Dan

He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain others in this household, considering what happened to me yesterday.

Darlene

You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take one shot. Now that is love.

Dan

[patting Darlene on the head] Thank you, dear.

[to Darlene] Oh right, suck up for the inheritance!