Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Dan

[seductively] Roseanne, I've been thinkin'... what if my manly abilities aren't really mine, what if it's the mattress?

Roseanne

I thought it was the mattress.

Dan

No, I mean, what if I can't wow you in the new bed?

Roseanne

Well, you didn't have no trouble when we brought home that new kitchen table.

Jackie

(talking about men) Why do they do that?

Roseanne

I don't know. We're talking about the only animal on Earth that would wear black socks with bermuda shorts.

Roseanne

[toasting Dan at his party] So here's to you, Dan Conner, my husband, my soulmate, my friend, my rock...

Dan

[to himself] God, please, let this be over...

Roseanne

...a great big rock that just sits on my couch and does nothing but watch TV!

Dan

[to himself] That's it - God's a woman.

Roseanne

Oh, occasionally, y'know, it'll ask for a beer and then I have to go in there and get it because after all, it is just a ROCK, and a rock can't just tip itself over and roll over to the refrigerator, can it? So I have to get the beer for it... yep! A big, TV-watching, beer-drinking rock. But he's MY rock, and I must live with it. [downs her champagne in one gulp]

D.J.

Mom, how come Becky's got three hands in this picture?

Roseanne

Three hands...?

D.J.

Yeah, look.

Roseanne

Lemme see. (looks through DJ's magnifying glass and gasps) She didn't do it. I'll kill her!

I can't believe this! You guys weren't mad when you thought I did do it, and now you’re mad 'cause you know I didn't? God, maybe next year I ought to moon the class photo so you guys are proud of me.

Roseanne

Make sure it's your own butt!

Jackie

Say, guys, um... your son just gave Gilligan the finger.

Roseanne

Dan...

Dan

Well, he's the reason they're still stuck on that island!

Roseanne

(sternly) Dan!

Dan

Alright, Alright. DJ! Get in here, little buddy!

Roseanne

BECKY!!!

DJ

Yeah?

Dan

Have a seat, okay? Let's see, uh, how can I explain this? Ah! Ok, this is the church, this is the steeple, open the doors, and see the big guy in the third row? Just don't ever stick him up in the air at anybody.

D.J.

But Mom did it when she was driving!

Roseanne

Well, the idiot cuts me off!

Roseanne

Ah, do your kids do this in the family pictures?

No way.

Roseanne

(to Principal Hiller) No, they do it here.

That's right.

Oh I see, following that logic, Mrs. Conner, as long as they're not stealing anything out of your living room, it's not your fault if they hold up a convenience store.

Roseanne

Hey, we're not talking about armed robbery here, OK? We're talking about some teenagers flipping the bird. I think we should get over it.

Maybe you're right, but I don't think so. And neither do all these parents who have called in to complain about the photo. They want us to reshoot it at our cost and quite frankly, Mrs. Conner, this is not within our budget. So, what would your have me tell them about what your daughter did?

Roseanne

(remembering her own teenage years with Annemarie) Ahh, that it's a political statement?

Roseanne

You know, of all of the people in the world to have as a role model, our kid has to pick Eddie Munster.

Dan

You're the one who thought it would be great to have a son.

Roseanne

Well, it would have.

Jackie

You're kidding? You guys have a night?

Roseanne

Yes, we have a night. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.

Jackie

You have a time too?

Roseanne

Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.

Jackie

Well, you should make him wait half an hour after he eats.

Dan

Whatcha doin'?

Roseanne

Oh, I'm packing D.J.'s little duffle bag. He's going to stay over at little Warren's house tonight.

Dan

You think that's a good idea? I mean, isn't little Warren the one that tied all those squirrel together?

Roseanne

No! That was D.J. [pause] Little Warren just stunned 'em.

Jackie

Bring on the fudge and Kevin Costner's butt. I'm ready to sink my teeth into both of them.

Roseanne

How ya doin' sis?

Bev

[yells from the bathroom] Roseanne, are these towels clean?

Jackie

[realizing Roseanne tricked her] You are just EVIL!

Bev

You know, Darlene, you're very lucky to have such a popular sister. When you start dating she could give you some pointers. (winks)

Darlene

Yeah well, if she's so popular, just ask her which one of us got felt up. (winks)

Roseanne

Darlene, leave the table.

Darlene

Yeah, I knew that'd do it.

Jackie

(Talking to Roseanne) What if he hits on me?

Roseanne

Oh Jackie, he's annoying, not desperate!

Crystal

I'm pregnant.

Roseanne

Are you sure you're not just late?

Crystal

Yeah, I'm sure, I've got all the signs. I'm nauseous, I'm eating all the time, and oh yeah, my doctor told me I'm pregnant.

Dan

(to Roseanne after arguing with Becky) This whole marriage-family thing has been a lot of fun, but I gotta go.

Roseanne

Damn, I lose more husbands that way.