You got something to tell me, Morty?
[awkwardly] Merry... Christmas?
Who dropped a lightsaber perfectly fսcking vertical?!
Oh, sh...
Guess what, numbnuts? It's a mile deep and still going! You know what's in the hilt of that thing?
Kyber crystals!
Okay, nerd. Whatever it is, when it hits the core, it's gonna cause a chain reaction that destroys the Earth!
I-It is?!
Why are you still playing with laser swords anyway? You're fourteen! You know all that Star Wars shit is silly, right? Lucas promised a new trilogy for decades, then when he delivered, fans turned on him, and started giving any knucklehead with nerd cred a shot, and churned out these irredeemable cash-grabs! Half pretend to be satisfied, half shit on it - and in the end, no one's happy! Do you know why, Morty? Because when you start with a turd, you end with a turd.
[Morty has started sobbing]
Why you crying?! Where's Rick?
He's busy. A-And I hate him! And I lost my lightsaber, and now it might destroy Earth, and you're unloading all this Gen X hatred on me for even wanting one, and i-it's the worst Christmas ever!
[trying to comfort him] Okay, M-Morty, Morty, Morty, Morty. I shouldn't have talked to you like you're a UN official. Let's get your embarrassing-ass lightsaber back so you can swing it around instead of kissing girls.
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