Jerry[being swallowed by a Gibble Snake] I'm sorry! I-I made a mistake, I won't do it again!
Jerry
You self-righteous piece of shit! You took my family!
"I took your family"? Who do you think had taken more from them when you shot 20 CCs of liquid dreamkiller into my daughter? She was Rick's daughter, Jerry! She had options!
That all ended because she felt sorry for you! You act like prey, but you're a predator! You use pity to lure in your victims! That's how you survive! I survive cause I know everything, that snake survives because children wander off, and you survive cause people think "Ooh, this poor piece of shit, he never gets a break! I can't stand the deafening silent wails of his wilting soul! I guess I'll hire him or marry him!"
Jerry
Oh, real nice, Rick. Turning our son into an Akira? Real nice.
Eat my ass, Jerry! He turned himself into Akira!
Jerry
Oh-ho, I'll eat it! Because this is my house, Rick! I'll eat any ass I want!
Dad, can we please go back and hang out with Grandpa's clay people?
Jerry
Why? Because they might have a Sega Dreamcast? Why is it so hard for you two to let nature in?
Because this sucks ass! Camping is just being homeless without the change.
Jerry
Well, that attitude is exactly why we're out here. You guys wouldn't last two seconds on your own. You're only happy when you're penned in and drսgged up like some kind of chicken or lemur... [sees Summer and Morty using their phone and gaming device] Hey! I told you kids, no phones!
There's not even any service. Just... just let us be happy for a minute.
Jerry
You know, maybe if you two stopped whining and let your old man take the reins, you might actually learn something. [roasts a marshmallow and uses it to make a s'more] Here. Take a bite of this tasty treat.
Oh, you think this s'more makes you special? What, because someone said "good job" to you once when you were ten? [throws it in the fire] That's actually really sad, Dad. Let's be real - you've been high-roading us non-stop, forcing us to do nothing in the middle of fucking nowhere, because it's the only way you're gonna level the playing field, isn't it? Because if you move the bar so low, you might actually seem like you're worth a fuck!
Jerry
[sniffles, looking deeply hurt] I'm gonna go take a walk... [sadly takes his backpack and leaves]
[to Summer] Jesus Christ. You really need to stop hanging out with Rick.
Just admit this is about you wanting to feel needed!
Jerry
Says the woman who sold out her family for an ounce of approval from her drunk father!
Well, maybe he drinks because it isn't easy to be more powerful than God!
Jerry
Well, if it's god-power that gets you going, light some candles and put on the Billy Ocean, 'cause Moses is home, and he's ready to burn some bush!
Jerry
Well, kids, never thought I'd say this, but, Summer, you were right.
Jerry
I thought I wanted to teach you guys about tents, but really, I just wanted to feel important. I guess sometimes teenagers do know what they're talking about, even if it's mean.
Right, but didn't you, like, go into god-mode and fight Mom?
Jerry
Love is the only power that matters, Morty.
No, you had actual power, and you did jack shit. That was a divine staff. You could've cured cancer or raised the dead. Instead you made bugs.
Well, I was impressed, Dad. He saved my life, no thanks to you.
[A moment of silence, with Rick looking bitter and noticing Jerry smirking in his mirror]
Your kids got high on alien mist and drove the ship into that Zeus guy's head. Basically murdered him.
What? You did. I mean, not to cast the first stone, but Beth and Jerry? Pretty terrible parenting on your part. Did you know Summer huffed a K-Zax Array? She basically smoked The Ring - most pilots die after three days. And Morty, the fucking moron, he thought the ship worked like a game controller! What in the Disney Channel fuck is that?! Maybe help him with homework next time! He's clearly crying for help!
NNimbus
Getting cold feet?
Jerry
No...Please don't tell Rick.
NNimbus
Yes. He. Would. [shakes off his robe]
[Jerry and Beth look down, then quickly get inside with Nimbus and close the door]
Jerry
But why does he always want to be hunted?
That's not important right now, dad!
Jerry
Sure, guys. Rick can make secret decoys of the family and place them all around the country, but fuck me if I have questions about the starfish man in the target suit.
So thankful this is my Saturday.
DDemon
Don't you see, Rick? Jerry was just bait. The two of you - you're a package deal.
The hell are you talking about?
DDemon
You think Jerry is lame and you're cool, but the lamest thing of all is thinking that! The two of you combined is what we call the lamest thing ever!
[horrified] Oh, no... No!
Jerry
[smugly] Well, well, well. Table for surprised, party of me.
DDemon
Yes! See? Cringe cannot exist in a vacuum. It needs to be observed!
The turkey is raw, dad. Shit's potato bunz.
Jerry
Sorry, Summer, the United States enclosed us in a shimmer bubble that scrambled my oven timer. So I guess elections do have consequences.
Eat my ass, Jerry! I've seen your IRS records. You can blame me once you have taxable income.
[laughs, then catches himself] Yes, Jerry's a piece of shit, I agree.
I've been really sensitive about family lately because of something I've been keeping secret...
Jerry
Okay, who's on the Supreme Court and what state do we live in? It's been years since I thought about this--
No, I'm not pregnant, but as you guys recall, and as a lot of people keep bringing up, Morty and I did accidentally create a giant incest baby, which the government did launch into space. And... I'm not sure how to tell you this, but, it is still alive, and I have been in contact with it. [narrating over a flashback] There were soldiers waiting for me outside school last month. They took me to the Pentagon and briefed me, and from there, I was shuttled to a secret base on Mars. They had captured him and wanted to see if he'd respond to me instinctively, being his mother. And he sure did. But what they didn't expect was that I'd respond to him. I was supposed to help discipline him so they could turn him into the ultimate weapon. Instead, I trained him to love, to believe in himself - and finally, to escape! [flashback ends] The government doesn't want anyone to know it happened, but it's only a matter of time before the story comes out. And when it does, all we're going to have is each other. And you guys are a couple, and Rick has Morty, but I'm the odd one out, so [starting to cry] I wanted to make sure we stuck together! But instead, I drove us apart, and Rick replaced me with an anime girl, so all I got is myself and my giant, tortured, government-trained rogue incest monster baby out there in space somewhere!
Jerry
[comforting her] Oh, baby, what the fuck? [frowning] And then you have to wonder, what else are they doing with our taxes?
[Rick and Morty start flashing green with a pulsing sound]
Wait, what? Wh-What's happening?!
Instead of resetting portal travel, I may have reset portal travellers. Too late to apologize.
Jerry
[enters, also pulsing green] Rick, why am I pulsing green? And don't say you don't know, because you're pulsing green.
Rick, are we about to die?!
[putting a makeshift device together] No, we're about to vanish from this reality.
Jerry
That's totally dying!
No, it isn't! It's everyone from this reality returning to their reality of origin.
Back to our original universes...!
I explained it fine, Morty, you're spoon-feeding spoons. Where's Summer?
[enters] Oh nice, you guys are back. [notices the flashing] Whoa...
Summer, three of us are one-way blind hopping. [hands her the device] You gotta help us get back. There's a protocol for this in your chore-server, filename "Booger AIDs".
Every file is "Booger AIDs"!
I—I hate naming things! Just.. search for words like "one-way blind hop, reset map beacon".
Jerry
[aghast] Why do I have a reality of origin?!
There's no time to explain, Jerry! Counting on you, Summer! "One-way blind hop beacon protocol"! HERE WE GOOOOOOO...!
[Nothing happens for a while, though the pulsing speeds up]
Jerry
So there was time to explain.
Don't waste extra precious seconds with your pettiness, Jerry! Summer, let's rundown--
"One-way blind hop, reset beacon, Booger AIDs".
Cool. [waits for a moment] Wow.
Jerry
[angrily] THERE WAS SO MUCH TIME TO EXPLAIN!
Yes! Fine! Hindsight is 20-20! Who has ever taken this long to vanish?
Jerry
How did I end up not in my own universe?! [thinks] Oh my God, the Jerryboree!
RMRick and Morty
Ohhhhhhhh, the Jerryboree.
Deep cut. [all three vanish]
Wait, but where's our real dad and our real Morty?
That's what the possums are after...
You know, fortune cookies only come true if you eat the cookie first. [eats and reads] All right. "Hard work often pays off." Lame.
[reading hers] "Family time is time well spent." Okay, that's not only empty, it's been disproven.
Okay, mine says "Family time is time well..." Oh man, I got the same one?
What's your stupid 21st century watered-down fortune cookie say, Dad?
Jerry
"You will have sex with your mother."
[Jerry gets surprised, awkward looks from the family and everyone else in the restaurant]
Rick and Morty · 269 quotes
